The Darkening of Your Soul

Chapter 51

“What?” Harry asked after a few moments of awkward silence as Sirius pretended he wasn’t crying and Harry pretended he didn’t see the tears on his godfather’s cheeks. “What happened?”

Sirius sniffed and wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “Remus said we were changed men, that we couldn’t ignore the last decade. He said I’ve changed, which yeah, of course I’ve changed.” Sirius’ bloodshot eyes narrowed for a few seconds in obvious anger. “I’ve been stuck in that hellhole for years. That’s going to change anyone.”

Harry swallowed and licked his lips, feeling rather mute with shock. Of all the things he thought might happen in the future, this wasn’t it. He’d rarely felt as out of his depth as he did at that moment, because Harry knew nothing about relationships.

For once, Harry was quite aware of his own limitations. He knew very well that the ‘relationships’ he’d had in his previous life were nothing more than teenage flings. That thing with Cho had fizzled out before it ever got started, and while Harry had definitely had a crush on Ginny once upon a time, their whole ‘relationship’ had lasted no more than two months, if even that. During those two months Harry had spent a large chunk of his spare time in detention with Snape and Ginny had been insanely busy with preparing for her OWLs, so in truth they got to spend very little time together. The moments they did get to share they mostly spent snogging, so they never really talked much, least of all about their relationship.

Then Harry had ended it for both their sakes since he had much bigger things he needed to focus on, like fulfilling that stupid prophecy. And after the war Harry had been so bruised and battered emotionally that he’d never gotten back with Ginny, letting her down gently when she tried to kiss him a few days after the battle of Hogwarts.

And that was it. That was all the experience Harry had with relationships ending.

Right now he was in a relationship he sincerely hoped would never end, because Harry would be lost without Tom. He knew that much. He also knew that his relationship with Tom was so unique and unconventional that he couldn’t very well use it to understand what had happened between Sirius and Remus.

“Er…” Harry finally said while Sirius kept wiping at his eyes while staring off into space. “That’s…er…too bad.”

“I just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be between us,” Sirius said, mostly to himself as though he’d already forgotten Harry was even listening to the conversation. “But Remus insisted that wasn’t possible, that I had to grow up, whatever the fuck that means.”

“I dunno,” Harry mumbled with a shrug, because he honestly didn’t have a clue. Yeah, Sirius obviously had been wounded on more than one level from his stay in Azkaban, but it seemed a bit unfair that Remus would hold that against him. Then again, Harry realized that he honestly didn’t have a clue what the relationship between Sirius and Remus had actually been like in the privacy of their own home. Perhaps Remus really did have good reasons to end it.

But Remus had always been a bit wishy washy with relationships, hadn’t he? From what Harry remembered, Remus’ relationship with Tonks had also been difficult at times, mostly because of Remus and his werewolf insecurities. Hell, Remus had been ready to leave his pregnant wife behind to go off on some wild adventure. For reasons.

Harry shook his head, unsure if he should mention those things to Sirius or not. Would they help his godfather in his grief or would they make things worse? Harry had truly no idea, so he decided to keep his mouth shut until he could talk about this with someone else. Anyone else, really.