eccedentesiast || severitus

chapter twenty-one | one step forward, three steps back

Stupid.

So stupid.

How long had his stupid brain intended for this to go on?

It was all a lie. All of it.

Nobody would ever care about Harry, especially not a man like Snape.

No.

The men like Snape hurt him, touch him, force him into things he doesn't want. The men like Snape...they're not good men.

Was Snape even real? Or had his stupid, stupid, brain conjured up the image of his 'savior' only for it to turn out to be an elaborate joke, on himself!

Had he mentioned he was stupid!?

How had he let himself get like this? He'd played around in his mind, dreaming up dreams of magic, and leaving the Dursley's and getting a new guardian...yeah. Right. As if that'd ever happen to him.

No.

Any minute now he'd wake up in his dingy cupboard under the stairs. Any minute now Uncle Vernon would be dragging to him work. Any hour now, he'd be passed around like a cash prize and be dehumanized by old men.

Yea, any minute now...

Any minute...

Any-

He remembered the hands that grabbed him underneath his armpits and pulled him up, up, up, into strong arms and against a broad chest. He knew he should have tried to struggle, but, just as he thought, at this point there really was no reason for it. He'd messed up horribly, allowed himself to get lost in stupid childish fantasies when he wasn't even a child anymore. Not really. Not where it counted.

Instead of throwing a fit, getting nowhere, and eventually earning a beating, he retreated into his mind. Past the fantasies, and the abuse, and his Uncle's hands grabbing him, caressing his back, his hair...wait, caressing?

Uncle Vernon had never...would never... He preferred to take a gallery view. He'd never touched...

He must already be with the men then.

Great.

Even more of a reason to block it all out. He pushed himself so far into his mind that no sound, no touch, no anything could reach him. His head felt full and empty all at the same time, loud yet quiet. He heard a rushing, pounding sound in his head, yet it was quiet.

Peaceful.

So quiet.

Yeah, he told himself, I'll stay here. Where no one can hurt me. No Uncle, no men, no rude and immature fantasies of a man in a black cloak that bled safety and comfort....

No!

No.

Don't let yourself do that again, Harry.

Stay here, far, far away from that. Any of it.

Just stay here...

Stay here.

~

Severus was freaking out. Like, totally, unhinged, raw panic, wild thoughts, mass confusion and hysteria, freaking out. On the inside of course. He'd never show anything but a calm facade on the outside (so he believed).

But inside?

Oh, hell. It was a wreck.

He didn't know what he'd done. What had happened. One second he was eating his lunch and wondering if Harry would be more comfortable being eased into living with him and would prefer to sleep in the Tower tonight and come down another night to sleep with him. Obviously, Harry would reside in the Tower for the remainder of the school year, and every year after that until he graduates and Severus is old and grey, pity the thought. But during the holidays and summer, Harry would live in the dungeons and eventually Spinner's End, with him. So would he rather get it over with and sleep here tonight or would he want to go to the Tower and not talk to Severus again until the Christmas holiday?