tw: descriptions of abuse
Severus left the sitting room, barely concealing the emotion on his face. Pain, grief, regret, and most of all sorrow and guilt for Harry.
Oh, Harry.
Merlin, what had he done?
Sitting hard on his bed, after placing numerous silencing and privacy wards on his door, Severus couldn't have held the sob in if he had tried. This wasn't supposed to happen to him and Harry. Things were supposed to get better. Harry was supposed to finally have somewhere that he could feel safe, call home.
But Severus had to fuck that up, didn't he? He had to go and ruin this chance for Harry to start over. For him to have someone he could trust to protect him, guide him, and care about him without question. Instead, Harry had felt safer in his own goddamned mind than he did having lunch with Severus.
The man tried his hardest to understand where he'd gone wrong. He'd spent his whole day while Harry was sleeping trying to think back on what he did, what he said to fuck this up so bad. Had he done too much by insinuating that Harry would be able to sleep in his quarters if he wanted to? Had he seemed too demanding when he told the boy to sit down to lunch? Did he come off too--predatory when he'd hugged the boy time and time again?
Disgusted at the thought, Severus fell backward on his bed, running his hands over his face knowing he was just smearing his tears, but not even caring. He deserved this. By Merlin, it was time he deserved pain. Harry had gone on for eleven years in absolute hell, and when he finally escaped it, he'd looked to Severus for guidance and he ruined it. Tarnished that trust, over lunch.
How Poppy couldn't tell that all of this was his fault was beyond him. Nobody else had been there to trigger Harry in any way. Just Severus and his fucking awful persona.
Fuck, he'd never despised himself more.
The one thing he'd told himself, that night after Harry's attempt, was that if he was going to do this, if he was going to take the boy in, no more breakdowns would happen because of Severus. And yet, on the very first day of Harry being alone with him, it happened.
How was he supposed to be a guardian to this boy if they couldn't even have lunch?
"Fuck," Severus cursed, wincing when his voice croaked in the otherwise silent room. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
He knew he should give Harry a chance to speak his mind, to give his opinion, but Severus didn't want to hear the boy admit what he already knew. That he wanted a new guardian, that Severus wasn't good enough. If he heard those words come from the boy's mouth... he was sure he would break.
Why did he have to fuck everything up?
He'd wanted this so bad. Severus wanted to prove, to himself more than anyone, that he was capable of good. That he could do good things because he cared. More than that, he wanted to protect Harry, Merlin that's all he wanted. Still did.
But this just proved that he wasn't capable of good, didn't it? That he was that awful, nasty, cheating, lying, sneaky little Slytherin boy that had no good in his heart. That his heart held nothing but evil and hatred and disgust. He just proved everyone's point, what they'd been saying for years.
Hell, James Potter, himself would be rolling in his grave with laughter just seeing him fail so horribly.
Severus Snape, James would say, capable of protecting my son? Capable of being anything other than a sneaky little hatred-filled bastard? Right.
YOU ARE READING
eccedentesiast || severitus
Fanfictionharry has never known love in his life. he's never known how special he truly is. his relatives certainly made sure he never knew. when he receives a letter to a school called hogwarts, everything changes. he tries so desperately to be a normal, hap...
