A Mom in Middle School

Too Many Changes

 I'd said goodbye before, but this was too hard. I just felt like I couldn't do it. Little Hazel held me tight, her tiny arms wrapped around me. I gave her a kiss on the head. I'd grown so close to her over the past couple months, but this was how things were in foster care. Sometimes kids just got a different placement. Hazel was going back with her uncle for the time being.

"Let's go, Ros," Janet said in my doorway.

"No," I whined.

"I know. I know," she said, holding back tears. "I don't want her to go either."

I handed Hazel over to Janet, who carried her down the stairs. Hazel was half asleep, so she didn't realize what was going on. Josie, who was at the dining room table, ran over when she saw us bringing Hazel down the stairs. She was already crying.

"I hate this part," she said.

"I know. Maybe someday you'll see each other again," said the social worker standing in the doorway.

They always said that. There were a lot of other kids we'd lived with, many who I didn't miss and a handful that I did, who they said I'd see again but we never did. We never, ever did.

Janet handed Hazel over to the social worker, along with her garbage bags full of personal belongings, like her pull-ups, clothes, and toys. I couldn't say anything else as that woman walked out the door, bringing Hazel into the unknown, but hopefully someplace safe with her uncle.

I was already feeling crummy with Hazel leaving. It was hard to get through the rest of the weekend. I couldn't put on my game face for Sunday afternoon: my very first meeting with Jake and Ella-Mae.

Janet drove me over to one of our local diners. Grace said it would be a good idea to meet up in a neutral place. Whatever that meant.

"Are you sure you want to go in by yourself?" Janet asked.

"Yeah. I'm okay," I said.

I got out of the car, dressed in a mini skirt, leggings, and my Ugg boots. The fashion police should've come and arrested me right then and there. I walked up the steps of the diner and opened the door. I saw Grace waiting with Jacob and Ella-Mae.

"Roslyn, good to see you," said Grace. "This is Jacob and Ella-Mae."

"It's so nice to meet you. Can I give you a hug?" asked Ella-Mae. I nodded and she hugged me. "Thank you so much. I don't know how we could ever repay you."

"I'd say the same about you guys," I said, separating from Ella-Mae.

"We really can't thank you enough," said Jacob.

I froze. He had a thick, Long Island accent, just like my dad and my grandma.

"Any questions before I go?" asked Grace.

"I'm good," I said.

"We're all set," said Ella-Mae.

"Alrighty then. Take care. Let me know how everything goes," she said, giving us a wave before walking out the door.

I turned around and looked at Jacob and Ella-Mae, who both seemed like they were glowing. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. I didn't know giving my baby to someone else could make them this happy. I could only imagine how much they'd love her when she's here.

We got a booth by the window and I sat down across from Jacob and Ella-Mae. We each took a menu.

"You can get whatever you want, Roslyn. The whole thing is on us," Jacob said.

"Sweet," I said, turning towards the appetizers.

"How have you been feeling?" Ella-Mae asked.

"Uhh...pretty good. My back hurts at night, but my new pregnancy pillow helps a lot. I feel a lot better than I did in the first trimester."

"I've heard that's the way it usually works. I spent a lot of time doing research when Jake and I were trying," said Ella-Mae.

"Are you involved in any extracurriculars, Roslyn?" Jacob asked.

"Not really. I've been kinda...sneaking into the French club with my friends. I'm not taking French but it's a cool place to hang out," I said.

Jacob chuckled. "I actually took Latin in school. It was horrible!"

The waitress came by and brought us our drinks, then our appetizers. I went with the mac and cheese bites. They didn't disappoint. Jacob and Ella-Mae asked me about school and my future. It was pretty calm and casual. However, I could feel Ella-Mae tiptoeing around asking me the real question that was eating her up: why I chose them.

It all started when they asked me where I was from originally. Jacob grew up only a stone's throw away from me, my dad, and my grandma, in the Bronx.

"I can't believe we have this much in common!" Jacob said.

I laughed. "You sound a lot like my relatives too. My dad had a really similar accent. He was FDNY, too."

"You're kidding," Jacob said. "That's absolutely crazy. Do you remember where he worked?"

"Ladder one-eighteen," I said. Their faces looked puzzled. "You may have seen the picture—"

"Of the truck going across the bridge towards the towers on nine-eleven. Everyone who's a firefighter knows that picture," Jacob said.

"Oh no. I'm so sorry, Ros!" said Ella-Mae. "Grace told us both of your parents had passed on, but I just can't imagine."

"Your dad was a hero. You know that, right? That crew saved a lot of people that day. A lot. I never knew him, but he was a great guy because of that," Jacob said.

"Thanks. He's always been a hero to me. It's why I wanted my little girl to grow up with people who were similar to at least one of my parents," I said.

"Wow. That really means a lot to us," Jacob said. "I've seen some stuff at work, but Ella's dealt with some trauma in the past. I know it must've been hard being down there while that was happening."

"Yeah. My grandma sent me to a trauma counselor afterwards. The wait was over three months long because everyone else was going," I said, dunking one of my chicken fingers in honey mustard.

"I'm still seeing my trauma counselor after almost five years," Ella-Mae said. "I survived the Valley Hill High massacre."

I dropped the chicken finger I was about to eat. "You...what? I remember that! It was all over the news."

"She got...injured," said Jacob.

"Like...shot?" I asked.

Ella-Mae nodded. "I would've been dead for sure if my band teacher didn't jump in front of me. Mister Everston. He'll always be my hero." She paused. "But let's not go down a rabbit hole. This is a happy occasion. Would you like to see some pictures of our baby room?"

"Sure," I said, taking a sip of my soda.

Ella-Mae took some pictures out of her purse, pointing out each and every object that was in the room, ready for my little girl. The walls were painted yellow, and the crib was a light brown with frilly, pink sheets.

She let me keep that picture, and every time I look back on it, that nursery looks ancient compared to the ones from today. Everyone has a specific theme for their nursery. I was going with space and planets this time around. It seemed like something babies would enjoy.

"Oh, by the way, we wanted to make sure you didn't have any names picked out, right?" Ella-Mae asked me.

"No. You guys can name her whatever you want," I said.

Jacob and Ella-Mae held hands and looked at each other.

"You can tell her. Go ahead," Jacob said.

"You have one picked out? I can't wait to hear it!" I said.

Ella-Mae took a breath and said, "Okay. We'll tell you. It's the perfect name for her."