SONDER. timothée chalamet

chapter seventeen

"chalamet, are you trying to pick fight?" he says.

i look at kenny, i couldn't believe what i heard. she kissed harry. when. how. why.

i was almost embarrassed.

were they dating? i'm so full of shock that i don't even reply to harry.

he takes kenny's hand and walks away, fast. she's looking back at me each time. i follow them, i don't know why. but my eyes were only on her. i was like a dog.

"kenny, look at me." i say.

she does. and he does as well.

"when was it?" i say.

"when was what chalamet!" he yells.

"you and her."

she doesn't know what to say, she almost looked scared. i don't know if it was because of me or him.

"the kiss."

"it was a three days ago." she says.

you don't like him kenny. say it. say you like me. but i was clear that i was second best. this kiss was a mistake. it was one-sided.

i liked her, she didn't like me back.

"me or him kenny." harry says.

"alright, don't make this a competition," i say.

"no im gonna make it a competition since clearly you like her as well."

"fine pick kenny." i say.

i assumed her silences was meant for harry. she clearly wanted him. so i wanted her to let me know now.

i don't want my time wasted.

"i'm not picking any of you!" she says, "not a single one of you has even considered me as girlfriend, this is clearly a game to the both of you—and i want no part in it."

she leaves, walking away.

harry runs his hand through his hair frantically, "you got to be fucking kidding me."

"kenny." i say, walking to her.

"what timothée!" she says, "am i the punching bag? a joke to you and him?"

"you know you are not a joke." i say sternly.

she walks face to face to me, she's mad. the first time i've seen her this angry, "remember when i said i forgave you? i lied." she walks away,

i don't know if that damaged my heart or mind more, but it sure did hurt like fucking hell.

this girl has never trusted me. i understood why, i'm just too much of a dick to realize the damage i left on her. it took me this long to realize. of course fucking-stupid- me-would.

harry is about to get into his truck, he turns his neck, i see a hickey.

was this from kenny?

he doesn't even try to get her. he just drives off.

"kenny i'm not letting you walk in the dark on your own!"

"old you would've let me walk in the damn dark! so why care now? why change now?"

her words cut like a knife.

"b-because." i stumbled.

we both stop walking.

"i'm trying to change for you. i'd fight for you. i'd do anything to protect to now kenny." i say with passion, "for fuck sakes i fucking love you kenny."

"stop timothée," she mumbled over and over again quietly, she almost cries, biting her cheek.

"and i'm sorry i kissed you, that was a dick move. i don't know why i did it. it felt right, when it was completely wrong, you must've thought it was..." i say fast, i empty my brain to her entirely.

"no more saying sorry." she says what i once told her.
"because i'm not sorry— and i think i'm an idiot for feeling the way i do for you, timothée."
"you make me feel so much. i haven't cried till you came around." she holds her tears in, "i haven't even cried since my brother died. it's not like i can even remember—but don't you get it? i feel so much for you and i'm guilty i feel this way." she says, a tear falls from her eye, her cheeks are flustered red. "forgot it, i'll see you at home." she turns around.

i reach my hands gently to hold her back from leaving me, something falls out of my pocket, it was the keychain i won, i forgot it was there.

she turns around to see, i grabbed it from the ground, cleaning the sides, handing it to her. she holds it in her hand, noticing the lake.

"take it. it was for you,"

"you're trying to hurt me timothée." she says, breathing slowly, she hugs her hand around the keychain, trying not to cry.

"that's the last thing i want to see." i say,

"but why does it hurt so bad?" she says, i reach in to hug her.

"if i'm the problem, tell me now kenny. i'll leave," i mumbled, feeling a lump in my throat.

she nods, burying her head in my chest, hugging me even tighter. "if you leave me...that would be the problem, don't go."

"i won't," i wipe her eyes again, trying to reassure her over and over again, holding her chin up.
"now you have leon with you at all times." i say, i hug her, kissing her forehead.

she smiles with tears still streaming down.

"never will i ever want to hurt you again," i muttered.

"don't break the promise." she says,

"never, ever."

i deeply mean it.

i've fallen for her.

***

"i'm still mad at you." she says, we were home now, both sitting on her bed.

"i know. i know." i say, her head was on my lap, i played with her hair.

"tell me stories of us when we were younger," she says.

i smiled. the feeling lingered my body, i missed those memories, although she couldn't remember. 

"god, this one is embarrassing for me." i say,

her eyes widen, she lifts her head to listen, "say it!"

"you know that park by delores?"

"uh huh."

"i was being bullied by a group of boys there, i couldn't do anything. literally i was so scared. but you! you scared them away." i laughed. "you used to do karate and you'd pull out your moves and lied that you had killer sharp ninja stars, when you clearly didn't."

she laughs, rolling around her bed holding her stomach. "i have to write this." she grabs her book. "tell me more."

the night went on, we went on about stories. little memories her and i had when we were younger.