Alexithymia

the queen // underside

we're both standing in front of the therapist's door.. there's a plate in the top middle

"Ms Kim-Hyeung"

it's a lady.. huh.

asahi, by my side nods and wishes me luck as i peer my head in whilst knocking 

//

"Come in, come in!" ah.. her voice it's lovely.. wow.

somehow my legs subconsciously went inside on their own and the doors shuts behind me 

"hello." is the only word i could utter from this shaky.. feeling

the doctor looked happy to see me.. her skin was a white as snow, and her hair was in an adorable bun, she looked like a knigtht.. no a queen in a golden crown to me.

her glasses are like a mask of cuteness..

it's make my heart race but somehow it's.. i can't tell why.

"Ah you must be Mika? Come on take a seat here, right in front of me please." her voice is like.. an angel singing.. wow..

she crosses her legs and grabs a record book or something then begins to write something down..

"Hmm.. Mika? Your boyfriend signed you up to this, why so?" she looked to me briefly and smiled.

i couldnt say anything at the moment.. i feel like i'm such an insect to speak to a goddess like her.

"Mika?" *snap snap* 

"o-oh.. it.. was doctor who suggested.. me.. to you, he told me, i had alexithymia.." what// what is this? why am i speaking like this.. it's sickening!!! 

it's so hard.. to feel, right now i feel like beneath an anvil.

she's flipping through some of the pages and stops.

"Ah. Must be a colleague, alexithymia ah yes. He did send me a memo this morning." after she says this she looks into my eyes and finally puts the book down.

"Well sweetie, do you want to begin? this'll be our first session free of charge!" i just nodded.. as my reply.. i don't know but somehow.. i feel so weak whenever she talks..

i dont know why.. it's that my heart throbs and it's.. uncomfortable yet it's hard to suppress.

"o-okay.. do i have to explain some stuff from when i was a kid..?" i inquired.

"Well sure, if you'd like to start with that! You can tell me anything, only I'll know." 

her smiles are somehow intoxicating, i rest my back on the couch and puts my hands on my knees.

"w-well my mom always had problems with me when i was a kid.." 

"Such as?" 

"w-well.. i once got into an 'accident' and after that.. things were rough." gosh.. that day.. somehow i remember it as the worst day but right now.. i feel void towards it - and partly.. happy?"

She opens that booklet again and looks at me..

"Well.. let's assess that.."

she adjusts her glasses and looks over to me with a stiff but patient face.

[the session took an hour and half.. and after that - i could feel a bit better now that i've talked to to that.. beautifull... ugh what.. am i,, this feeling oh god..]

after we both said our goodbye the doctor gave me a card.. she suggest i should stick it somewhere it can easily be seen - that way people can know about my condition..

i dont really wanna walk around donning the card so i plan on ignoring the suggestion.

i open the door and come out as.. oh.. asahi.. i forgot that.. he was with me here today.

"Hey! How was it? Did it do any good ?" Asahi's face lighted up in joy..

i feel terrible that.. i've caught feelings.. no it isnt romantic.. right? so i dont think i really need to worry.

"It was nice, she really helped and stuff and I feel better." I smiled after a long time now.. finally it feels so different when i try to to think about that woman but i dont mind too much after all.. i havent done anything right? a thought cant be evil.

"Oh that's nice! Let's go get you some breakfast - Come!" asahi pulls me towards him a loving way.. but his face is stiff and steady.. again, his words doesnt match his face.. hmm..

"i love you, asahi." saying that now.. it felt so different from everything i've felt before - it simply didnt feel.. real

"love"