alexithymia (n); an inability to describes emotions in a verbal manner.
forgetting the olden affection she felt for her unbridled lover; she tried to scream out but her screams are nothing more than muted static only heard by phantoms.
PLEASE!! I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE!! I WANT.. to fade away..
asahi..
i hear the voices.. their voices
i finally escaped.. and opened my eyes once again - it was the brightest light i've ever seen..
"Hey. Hey!! Are you okay?!" what greeted me wasnt the angel i thought it was.. it was asahi, holding me close on a medical bed - i sighed in relief but also in dissapointment.. i expected that i'd be woken up by Ms Kim yet.. i'm still in shock and wondering where I truly am..
what were those things i heard..? they were his voice for sure but.. i feel something amiss, to my relief i leaned it for a kiss and asahi returned the favor.
"What happened? Your therapist said you collapsed outside, what's wrong hm..?" the concern in his voice is loud somehow i felt embarassed since we were in a white room with other sickly people around.
"I don't know.. what happened, Asahi.. my head just started to hurt and poof.." i said emptily. i couldnt tell if that was enough of an answer to satisfy him, hell, i don't even know what i should be feeling.. this thing.. called alexithymia, it's sickening - i released my grasp from him and laid flat on the bed once again, i winced in frustration, slightly tilting my head to the side..
Asahi's hand.. is brushing against my arm slowly as he whispers.
"Are you on your period?" huh? his sudden question made me jolt my sights on him again
"huh? no, why?"
"Oh, well.. usualy when you go out it's only for pads and tampons.. but youre dressed in your cutesy dress so I'm not so sure why you went out." !!!
gosh.. he's on to me.. no.. i don't wanna be found out now, right now.. i'm worried about these feelings of mine - i need to get to her.. Ms Kim.
"hhhey where is she? miss kim? i need to see her" despite the trifling agony in my head, still i tried to defy bedrest and tried to get up and look around to find her.
"Hey calm down.." asahi holds onto me as if trying to stop me.. no.. UGH it hurts!! STOP LET ME GO
"n-NO Let me.. go!" my escape was success.. my love, my only true love belongs to her - dear
..I ran to find her, the one for me
I swiftly bolted across the room. I didnt get how the others in the room looked at me, I'll be out of this world of misery soon anyways!! Yes!!
running out the doors, seeing the abundance of light.. there i witnessed Ms Kim again, handing some kind of papers around - i made my way to her and in that instance, matched forehead with her and i firmly pressed my lips on hers..
it's not like i was addicted to her, my body just felt the need of her grasp.. her skin and the sense of.. i'm not so sure anymore, whatever it is my mimd refuses to think asahi can ever gratify it..
//
*beat.. beat.. step.. step*
i heard loud footsteps getting closer as our eyes locked together, the people around had faces as if they'd seen a ghost.. i wondered why.
//
*shatter.. shatter* somehow.. whilst emerged in the euphoria of sharing lips with Kim.. my heart yells out the exact opposite.. it's beating so fast and somehow it begging to let me go of her - saying that.. i must love the one i truly love.. not another
// *click clack* it's all blinding.. and then *SMACK* in the sides of my view.. there was fist and immediately it hit me in the face -everything went black.
// this sensation made everything flow slower, i.. i don't know what to feel anymore i should.. just accept it.
all this time while i'm alone in my thoughts.. *thud* I realized I betted all my life with asahi just for a furfelt kiss.. and my mind slowly folding to a twilight - to search for a latibule.. it isnt even a place but i person, in reality.. i can't choose anyone.. i'm shackled to asahi, but like a slave ill of freedom.. i want to run away with her..
asahi, was the one who knocked me out.. //
shortly after i woke up in this warehouse.. i looked around and about - i'm here all alone in darkness, no different from when i was knocked out.
and there he was.. standing across from my feet. and that thing he's holding.. i can't seem to make it out. how long was i even.. out?
then he came rushing and.. *SMACK* it was clear.. his fist.. in that instance i could only cough and wept i can't..
everything.. i did.. somehow i did it and it caused only ruin — every chapter this week.. a week of my life.. where did all of this start? i.. i don't even want to remember..
alexithymia.. my feelings.. they arent lined up at all — he stopped whence he saw that i never spoke or resisted atleast once, i only took it.. then bled
"Listen.." were his only words to me, i looked him in the eye, i reminisced my each loving moment with him — in that thought and instance, i resented him, it all felt disgusting.. how do i even get here..? to a warehouse from a happy plaza?
the world's so dense i raised my shoulder and immediately rushed away from him — i only ran in one direction where the moonlight illuminated, there was a huge door-like gate that i went out of and when i glance behind me he was right there running after me in a wolven sprint.
"You shouldn't be running you unfaithful canaven crow!" he shouts i.. run and run and reached the city once again, seeing the plaza, i ran to it — it was midnight and there were a few city lights.. instead of going straight to my home, i banged loudly on Ms. Kim's clinic — i don't know how many things have changed but in the corner of my eye he was still chasing after me..
out of fear i abandoned the idea, i.. i went to our home.. where all our happy memories in the air.. but now the air seemed rancid to me..
I blocked the door with a table then he came banging..
my nose had been bleeding all those times running and yet.. i never realized it only up til now..
i covered my nose and closed my eyes whilst i maneuvered myself ontop of the table — the banging continued, even more louder and scarier.
"Mika! Let me in! I know you're in there, I hate it when you do this to me!" were his words.. to me they were words of a hunter and my heart trembled so much.. everything began to fade into black once again — it's helpless..
please.. i wanted to love someone else for a change.. is it.. wrong?
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