Alexithymia

the whispers - opening

a-ah?

it's already.. morning huh..? 

//

i got up from the table and looked around, the door was heavily barred but not completely broken - the surface i passed out on was reeking with dry blood, and it's metallic stench filled the room..

i tiptoed and went near by the window to see if asahi is still around.. when i peered over there was no one there but suddenly.. AH! MY HEAD!!

1..2..3..

it still sticked even if i wanted to counted it away — it hurts it hurts it hurts!!

i winces in pain til it all goes away whilst doing so i fell to the ground on my butt and groaned in pain, i noticed the apron asahi was wearing yesterday, it sparked something within me yet.. i couldn't figure what it was, it if was a positive feeling or not.. i couldn't tell..

i looked down and crawled over to get it.

holding it in my hand i look at it solely with a despair-filled gaze, my eye sockets begam tremblong slightly and my arm followed along suit.. what was this again..? this overwhelming feeling of.. regret?

my eyes liquidated as my body started making me sniff out of nowhere — i was familliar with this feeling all before but now.. i dont understand anything about it at all.. can this even be called 'feelings'?

i let the apron go as i got back up and cleared the table out of the doorway

i went further inside first and then grabbed my childhood coat.

the coat i was wearing the first day i met him, it was a winter day.. a very lonesome day — i was walking with my mom and dad. theyre all gone now though so now it's just a thread of memory.

it was blue coat with green outlines.
my favorite colors..

i opened the door and as i was about to step outside, it immediately collapsed — looking around i realized.. it's

'already december? huh?' there were snow everywhere, and even small smudges of red everywhere but it wasn't so obvious to the eye.

i looked to the side where the boots and shoes are kept whilst fixing my unkempt hair and putting my winter boots on, i followed that trail of red which leads to the other side that's not straight to the plaza.

*crunch crunch*

there. i saw.. i saw someone standing in an open field, she was facing back as if waiting for someone — a slender woman with black hair in a coat, she had her hands in pockets and the wind blew to the right which made me aware of her long hair..

it looked as if she was tired from all the standing — walking towards her with a hand gripping on my chest, i tapped her shoulder and suddenly she turns to me.

"Hey, I was waitin' for a long time you know?" It's.. her.. Kim.. Hyoung..

the woman of my dreams..

she held out her arm with a smile.. suddenly it feels all too familliar — it feels just like that day i met him.. whats his name again..? i had already forgotten..

it feels like i'm out of my shell now, i felt naked.. maybe because it was cold? i don't know — this moment here.. it's shitless, yeah it felt real

i took her hand and she happily took it and walked around with me nearby, the way she took it.. it was like him..

after for a few minutes she turned to me and looked me serious in the eye..

she firmly brushes her fingers across my hair and giggled..

"Do you remember the truth?" the truth? what is the truth anyways..? isnt the truth that i've always loved her?

my heart is pounding faster..
but my mind tells me that i'm forgetting someone in the same time.. i feel like this isn't true at all — these emotions i have for her feels like..

"Well I think you will with this.." she leaned closer as she.. closing in for a kiss..? i closed my eyes and prepared excitedely.. even in that moment i couldnt speak..

after i few seconds i felt her cheeks near my cheeks too but there was no kiss — she only whispered.

"Please.. do your boyfriend a favor, and admit the truth." what..?

what..? is this about that call..?

[flashback to when she was on the table, about to pass out: she had her phone with her and dialed Kim Hyoung and told her that her boyfriend was abusing her and was attacking her in cold blood.]

no.. no.. Mika.. stop.. not right now..

//
*thud thud..*
in shock i stepped back and slipped and fell on my butt — wide-eyed, i noticed footsteps and there he was.. 'him' he came running and hugged me..

who was he..? My boyfriend..?

"MIKA!! PLEASE WAKE UP! UGHH DON'T DO SUCH THINGS!" huh..? what is he on about..? what such things..?

he kneeled whilst hugging me in the cold snow.. suddenly his tone seemed so different..

i was frozen in perplexion and looked over to Kim Hyoung.

"Dear, lies, won't get you anywhere. I can't help you if you won't listen."  What..? I don't understand... what do they mean..?

*slap*
"ADMIT IT! ITS HAPPENED BEFORE! SO PLEASE RETURN TO ME! MIKA SALOMANGCA!"

my name..? its.. asahi.. asahi..

oh..

I looked over to him and he was fervor, i buried my face on his chest and with no sound i teared up whilst grippimg tightly into him.. I was wide-eyed and I couldnt understand.. how i felt.. and why i felt all these thimgs but my body made me cry and so i closed my eyes and snuggled him tight..

i felt like i was drowning.. drowning in a ocean of lies..