Alexithymia

chasing // stepping

ah.. its drowning me.. i can't breathe..
the waves.. the fumes..
*gasp*
i wake up.. in asahi's arms. its 9am and everything.. every memory feels so.. strange

i felt like i've shocked myself the last time but right now. i feel somehow remorseful for having to fool him..
wait did i? really go through with it? i don't remember at all.

i try to shut my eyes but to my horror strange memories haunts me.
memories that.. i feel so bitter about.. things that i.. rather not talk about.

i should stop pretending..
i sit right up and sigh.
i'm not even in asahi's arms.. i'm in a different place - atleast it's what i feel now..

disgruntled, i scratched my hair agressively and looked down. while pacing back and forth, my legs shake.
it shook for some reason that i don't remember.. so i was forced to sat down.

that's right.. he beat me up for it.
for fooling him..
i cried and weep as i remember the first words that he spoke when he knew that i'd been fooling him.

"do you have no regrets?"

it sent a chill to my spine and made me gag..

ughh..

i got up once again with all my strenght and tugged on my sling bag whilst rummaging through my things to grab my phone.

i was sweating alot and felt so sick.. so i was planning on going out to get some medicine later.

when i set my touch on my phone it was very hot, snatching it out of my bag i opened it and there was 14 missed calls from Maryanna..

hmm.. what.. why would she be calling by 12am? i don't usually stay up that late..

i swiped on the notifications to see our message history..
it's full of spam texts from her and it took me a while to finally scroll up to the top where it all started.

the texts started from me..

"Asahi. he's beating me up." 11:13PM

that was the beginning of the thread of these messages and soon
it all spiraled down to her calling the cops..?

oh.. look right now she's typing.

• • •
"hey!! the police said you werent responding!! how are you?? are you still there??" Today - 7:01AM

i hastily looked at it and typed it in my response.
"i'm still here, yeah, sorry about last night.. i was just drunk — i'm all right now ^U^" Today - 7:01AM

whilst waiting for her reply i bit my fingernail and panicked internally on whether she'll accept my excusr or not.
wait.. why am i even excusing myself..? isn't it true that he's abusive?? right now he's sleeping and i could spike him right now..
But somehow I feel like.. that's not what i'm supposed to be doing.. instead.. i'm just left confused as to why.. i even made that convo in the first place..

i made the excuse because i felt.. confused.. not in danger.

when i glanced back at the screen there had already been the replies that are on the bars.

"well you better be careful next time!! and don't joke about that stuff. promise me, okay bestie?"

"i'm always here for u so please tell me if things go wrong. and i'll go call Asahi myself too to see if he's doing something actually bad."
Today - 7:04AM

i just looked at the messages with a blank expression, i left no reply and sat back down since my legs shook and felt weak again..

i looked up upon Asahi and sighed.
everything last night felt so surreal
i dragged myself near him and snuggled along side him once again - right now the feeling has definetely faded but there's some left, and my body tells me to savor this.

//
[ch 8. op theme:

i released myself from his arms and got up instanenously whilst stretching my arms out — tiptoing to the bathroom, i looked deeply in the bathroom and told myself.

"let's meet her today shall we?" with this i sounded almost confident, i discarded my feelings for asahi for now and now my heart yearns to be with Kim Hyoung.. ohh yes..

I grabbed the towel and showered gracefully whilst not missing a step around the floor.
After so I happily dressed in the cutest clothes and before leaving i wanted to confirm if i really had faded away from him.. surely it's not bad to drift away? i've spent years with him and maybe i could spend time with someone else now.

Outside it was pure euphoria but.. inside it was void — i didn't know what would happen so i wanna meet Kim Hyoung as the escapism.

i leaned close to asahi and kissed him on the cheek, it felt so good kissing him yet so bitter too..
savoring the final feelings for him i paused for a bit before putting on my shoes and before i was about to leave from the door i looked back out to him — 'i'll open you up, soon..'

i left.
the initial happiness i had went away but i was still determined to maybe.. ask her ou- NO NO! not yet atleast maybe i should know her more! yeahh that'd be cool..

i went to the direction where her facility is — and i was still far when i had saw HER but.. someone was with her. she seemed happy.. my heart felt like it was chasing an unclear someone.

it was another woman with long hair and it was fashioned in a way like Hermimorphite's..

she's one of my favorite characters from those mangas i read years ago but even if i don't remember the name of the manga this woman's hair immediately reminded me of her name.

the butterflies in my stomach quickly turned into bees..