Random Book (+ HxR Oneshots)

hi

You know those times when you just feel kinda empty inside? Like a husk of the former self you don't even know?

I hardly remember what I was like as a child. Only stories about how "hyper" and "funny" I was.. I wish I had never changed.

There's this thing that happens to the brain after a series of traumatic events I just can't explain. Not even to myself. It comes in waves I guess. I can assume we can all relate. Sudden demotivation. An empty hollowness that follows us everywhere. The feeling that we have no soul; no emotions; nothing for anyone else to care about.

I know I make a lot of jokes here on this account, but honestly, sometimes...I just wish I was like that all the time. I wish I could smile in public. I wish I could smile in front of strangers and just tell a good joke. Apparently...I used to do that a lot as a kid.

I don't really know if I am going to make this public. Idk. I just feel like venting. All my friends are gone atm, so it's literally just me and this device. Heh...funny how we all give our time, our energy, our very souls to little more than entertainment. I mean...is the real world REALLY that bad?

I struggle with writing happy things. I honestly do. Not only because I have little but a few blurry memories to base anything joy related off of, but also because when I start...I can't stop. I get addicted to these fake moments. These fake worlds... World's which are WAY too real to me.

I get in a lot of trouble for thinking so much. Both my long AND short term memory are in jeopardy because of it. I scare myself sometimes. 

I'm sorry.

At least I feel better now.