cradle to grave

blue bird

To say Jay was shocked when he opened the door to find Louis, would be an under statement.

"Lou honey, you didn't say you were coming back?" She states, but it comes out as a question.

"I didn't plan on coming back, but I have to talk to harry" Louis says, making his way into the house.

"What?, is he OK?"

"We had a fight."

"A fight? That constituted you suddenly coming back home, a few weeks before your final exams?"

"He knows mom, and it wasn't me who told him" Louis explains.

"What does he know exactly?"

Jay knows about Louis's sexuality, she also knows that Louis has a boyfriend his kept a secret from Harry.

Louis let's out a sob, the exhaustion of holding himself together.  The fear of losing harry, and the weight of having hurt the one person who means everything to him. Finally crushing down on him.

Jay immediately pulls him into her arms, "hey hey it's okay"

"Luke told him everything, he cornered me into letting him meet harry. Then he told him everything, and harry felt so betrayed.  And I don't know how to fix it"

"Just tell him the truth love"

"It doesn't feel enough anymore, Harry's thirteen for me to assume he's not ready to know about my sexuality doesn't feel like a valid reason anymore"

"Well, it's why you did it right?"

"Yes, and I was scared he might see me differently if he knew. That he might find it weird, how close we are" Louis whispers, tears flowing down his cheeks freely.

"Then tell him that, he loves you. He wants to forgive you, so explain to him. And he will understand"

"Thank you mom" Louis says, hugging Jay tighter.

"No problem, I love you"

"I love you too mom"

***

Louis knocks on the door nervously, preparing himself for what's on the other side.

Anne opens the door, "oooh Louis honey, come on in. Its so great to see you" she exclaims happily.

Louis smiles at her, anxiously looking upstairs towards Harry's room.

"Oh I see, you're here for Mr grumpy pants.  He hasn't left his room since yesterday, didn't even want to talk to niall" Anne explains.

Louis shifts from one foot to the other  uncomfortably, "could I?" He asks, pointing at Harry's room.

"Ofcourse love, you don't have to ask" Anne says, a bit confused that Louis asked in the first place.

Louis sees her confusion, but doesn't really want to explain the situation to her just yet. So he clears his throat, then awkwardly points to Harry's room again signaling that he's going up.

"It's good to see Louis" Anne says, shouting behind him.

Louis turns to genuinely smile at her, "it's good to see you too"

***

Louis knocks gently on Harry's door, "Haz its me, I know you might..."

Before he can even finish his sentence, the door is yanked open.

He's startled, at the fact that harry opened the door so fast.

But he carefully makes his way inside, closing the door behind him.

Harry quickly turns around to get in bed, turning his back to Louis.

Louis climbs on the bed, touching Harry's shoulder gently.

Harry flinchs at his touch, Louis feels like someone just cut his oxygen supply.

"Harry please" Louis Begs, gripping his own hands tightly together to stop himself from reaching for harry again.

Harry doesn't say anything.

"Harry, I'm soo sorry.. "

Harry turns to look at him then, he's eyes are red from crying and they look irritated. Like he's been rubbing them.
He looks like he hasn't slept in days. His hair is a mess, he just looks like a heart breaking mess.

Louis heart squeezing in his chest, knowing it's his fault harry looks so lost.

"Don't you dare apologize, you knew exactly what you were doing. It wasn't a mistake" the voice is coming out of Harry's mouth, but it so cold that it sounds nothing like him.

"I know harry, but i was just scared"

Harry looks shocked for a minute, but composes himself and keeps his neutral expression once more. "Scared?"

"Yes, I was scared that...well at first I thought you weren't ready."

"When did you know?"

"Uuum when I was around 13"

"You've known for five years?!" Harry exclaims.

"Five years ago, you were eight harry" Louis tries to reason.

"Yeah ok fine but, you ...you never dated anyone in high school.  Or did you keep that from me as well" Harry accuses, eyesglaring at Louis.

"No, Luke is...or was my first boyfriend I don't know. I never really, well you know...I never really got the chance to date anyone" Louis mumbles.

"Why not?"

"You"

"What do you mean, me?"

"You took all my time, and attention so...I didn't really have any room for a relationship. And I, I knew If I started one...you would find out. So I just didn't"

"Oh, so when you were free of me and my chains. You took the first chance you got?" Harry snapped.

Louis stares at him, shocked "thats not what I meant"

"It sounded like it!"

"Harry, our relationship is..  we've been close since you were born. I want to be near you. Just as much as you want to be near me. It wasn't difficult to choose you over everyone , because I wanted to. I never really cared about exploring my sexuality, cause I was scared I might lose you. And so it wasn't important enough"

"Why would you think you would lose me?"

"Because you were a kid when I first realized I was gay.  And I didn't know how to explain it  to you. Then eventually I had kept it hidden for so long, I just didn't know how to tell you at all.

And we're so close harry, for fucksakes we spend weeks sleeping on the same bed when I'm home. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable with sharing a bed with me.

Or just with being so close to me, knowing that I'm gay. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't risk losing you.

So instead I hid a part of myself from you, and I'm soo sorry that I hurt you harry. I would never ever hurt you on purpose you know that. You're everything to me"

Harry doesn't say anything, eyebrows furrowed in thought. "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten since yesterday" is what harry ends up saying.

"I could make you something to eat?"

"Yeah do that"

Not knowing what else to say to the boy, Louis gets up to go make him a sandwich.