cradle to grave

HBD II

Louis POV

Harry hasn't said much since we left the club.

"Do you want to go back to my apartment or your Dormitory?" 

He shrugs, keeping his eyes out the window.

"Harry..."

Nothing.

"Harry please..."

"Take me wherever you see fit" he mumbles.

I sign, "Fine"

***
We walk into my apartment, and harry goes directly to the fridge for some water. Atleast he's not passing out.

I stand awkwardly by the counter  waiting for him to finish. 

Then he just walks past me to the couch.

"Could I have a blanket please? If you don't mind?" He says, laying on his back on the couch.

"Uuum sure, but you can share a bed with me."

"I'd rather not"

I huff, and take a seat across from him.

Harry's not looking at me, but I think he's listening. "Harry, when I said I would kiss you on your 18th birthday I didn't know that you would wait for me. And I'm really sorry that I didn't take your feelings for me seriously. But I miss you Harry, and it kills me that you're not talking to me anymore. I want to fix this."

He turns his neck to look at me, "then see me Louis... I am not that kid who used to follow you around anymore. I've grown, and I'm inlove with you. The only way to fix this, is for you to start seeing me for who I am...or you could give me space to deal with my heart break in anyway i see fit" Harry says, voice level. He might be a little less drunk than I thought. 

"And by dealing with....it...in anyway you see if, you mean getting drunk every night and letting strangers pass you around" I say, feeling myself getting angry at the memory of nick  grinding on harry.

Harry sits up, "pass me around? Are you trying to call me a whore Louis?"

"N-no...no...that's not what I'm saying" I stutter, "I just think, getting drunk every night isn't healthy...it's not you"

"And how the fuck would you know "what's not me" when you didn't realize I've been inlove with you for years. You don't know shit about me Louis, you have a version of me in your mind...and that isn't me at all. So don't fuckin tell me what's not me" Harry snaps, standing up and towering over me.

This isn't going the way I wanted it to, so I calm myself down instead of snapping back at him, i try again.

"harry, I'm just trying to have a conversation. I'm trying to fix this...meet me halfway"

"I've already told you the two ways this could go, you either start fckn seeing me... or you let me go do whatever the fuck I want... there's no in between or compromise"

When i don't say anything, he turns around to go back to the couch he was laying on.

We stay like that for a while.

And the more he lays there stubbornly, the angrier I get.

"So you're saying, I can either fuck you or lose you?"

"Don't insult me by belittling what I feel for you, ...again!  You've chosen not to see it for years, and now that you're being forced to see it. You're going to insult me by insinuating that I just want to fuck you?..." he says, voice filled with anger and hurt.

"I tried to talk to you like the adult you claim to be" i argue weakly.

He sits up again, I'm starting to hate it everytime he does that.

"No Louis you didn't try to talk to me like an adult. You tried to push me back into the role of your little brother, whose whiny and possessive.

Instead of seeing me as someone whose breaking everytime he looks at you, because you will never look at him the way he needs you to... whose possessive because, he wants to have as much of you as he can when given the chance...

you can say you don't feel the same for me, I get that...I'll find a way to move on from that. But don't try to force me back into a role I've no interest in playing anymore"

And suddenly he looks tired in the Dim lit sitting room, and he looks much older than he is... and I really don't know how to fix things with him.

I sigh, "Maybe you're right, maybe I haven't seen you for who you are for a long time. But harry, I can't lose you."

"You're not losing me, you're giving me space"

"We've had enough space, we've barely seen each other for the past five years. This was supposed to be our time to spend time together"

"And for me, this was supposed to be our time to be inlove. I've spent so long with that dream, I could almost taste it."  Harry says, sounding broken for the first time since we got back.

I want to go cuddle him, but I'm not sure that I'm allowed.  So I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"You got a tattoo and you didn't tell me?" It comes out more accusatory than intended.

He looks at me for a moment, and I think maybe he won't say anything.

But then,

"It was meant to be a surprise, I had planned that I would get  this tattooed before my 18th birthday. Show it to you after our first kiss, and sort of just prove to you that you're the love of my life.

But now, I have it as a reminder that what I feel for you is real. That even if you don't want to acknowledge my feelings for you, they're as real as the ink on my skin. That I'm not crazy, that I didn't imagine what I felt for you. Or over estimate it."

"Harry, you're eighteen years old..."

"I know how old I am Louis don't patronize me" Harry says interrupting me.

"I wasn't going to, I'm just saying that... maybe I'm your first love but you're young and idealistic...and you might regret having that tattooed on you"

"I won't regret it, and please get me a blanket. I'm tired of going around in circles, cause clearly you're hearing what I'm saying but you're refusing to understand me"

"I'm trying"

"Try harder"

"I need time harry, you claim you've been inlove with me since you were 12. You can't just expect me to get used to the idea in two weeks"

"I don't, thats why I left.  You're the one who brought me back here, and you started this conversation"