cradle to grave

This is what i meant.

Harry's POV

It's the day before my birthday, Louis came home yesterday.  We're currently watching TV, I skipped school to spend the day with him.

"So, I have something to tell you", I start gently running my hand through his hair. As he's laying on my lap watching Grey's Anatomy. 

"Mmh"

"I'm gay"

A few moments of silence go by, and I think he hasn't heard me so I open my mouth to say it again, "lou I said I'm..."

"I know what you said" he interrupts me.

"Oh, well then?"

He takes a deep breath, then sits up.

"What uum, what did Anne say?"

"What?, she didn't say anything cause she doesn't know. You're the first person I've told.. can't say the same for you" I mumble that last part. 

"It's been three years H let it go"

I wait for him to say something else, anything else. But he just sort of looks at the space behind me.

"Well ain't you going to say anything?"

He pushes his hair to the side, a nervous habit of his... "aarh, so whose the boyfriend?"

I frown, "there's no boyfriend, I don't have a boyfriend"

"Crush then?"

I bite my lip, "Yeah, there is a crush"

He chuckles, "well am I getting a name or what?"

I swallow, my throat suddenly feeling dry. "His name is Louis"

He raises his eyebrows in momentary shock, "huh?! Well is he atleast good looking? He better live up to the name"

"He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen" I say, trying not to swoon.

"You mean handsome?"

I shake my head, "no I mean beautiful"

"Well, I'm really happy for you harry. And I'm want to support you in anyway possible you know that. You can trust me with anything, I'm always here for you" he says, pulling me in for a hug.

"Does supporting me in anyway possible include giving me my first kiss?" I whisper in his ear, going for sedative and failing miserable.

But I don't really have to worry about that, cause Louis jerks out of my arms immediately. "What?!"

I feel the pain of rejection clawing at my throat, I swallow it down with difficulty. He hasn't said no yet, there's no need to panic.

"Well I've never been kissed before I was waiting, and I never really wanted to kiss anyone..." the 'besides you' sort of just hangs in the air.

Without being said, but both of us thinking it.

"Am I your crush harry?" He asks, gently.

But he may as well have slapped me in the face, cause he's looking at me the same way he looked at me when he was reassuring me that my first day of school will be good. Cause he would be there with me.

He's looking at me like I'm a child. But
There's no going back now, so I don't bother lying.

"Yes you are"

"And is that why you think you're gay?"

"I don't think I'm gay Louis, I know I'm gay"

"But you don't have any crush besides me? Not even like a celebrity crush or something" he asks, desperation clear in his voice.

"No, no I've only ever wanted you" I tell him, sounding pathetic even to my own ears.

"This, this is exactly why I didn't tell you. For fucksakes harry you were thirteen. My sexuality shouldn't have affected your perspective of our relationship.  You were old enough to know the difference" he snaps.

But he seems to be more frustrated with himself than me.

"And it didn't, I...I knew what our relationship was...I mean I know what our relationship is...but it can be so much more than that" I beg.

"When did you start having a crush on me?" He demands.

I blink, nervously biting my lip. I don't lie to Louis ever, but if I answer him truthfully.  I'll be putting the nail on my own coffin.

"Aarh, when I was thirteen...but that's not the point " I argue.

"That's exactly the point harry, you love me so much you've convinced yourself that you're gay. And I love you, you know that. I love you more than anyone. But I just, ..."

"I didn't convinced myself that I'm gay, I am gay. The least you can do is respect my sexuality. Just because you don't want me, that doesn't give you the right to deny who I am" I tell him, through gritted teeth.

Cause how fuckin dare he use that excuse to reject me. Frankly it's insulting.

I get off the couch, ready to go to my bedroom.

I feel a delicate hand wrap around my wrist. "Love hey, wait I'm sorry. I shouldn't have invalidated your sexuality like that. I respect you, and I'm so happy you felt you could trust me enough to tell me first. I'm sorry if I've somehow fucked this up for you" he says, not letting go of my wrist.

I turn around and look at him, "it's okay."

He opens his arms to hug me, and I rush to him embarrassingly fast."Mmh? Well thank you" he says.

"Yeah, and about the other thing?"

"I can't...you will probably develop a crush on someone your own age.  This is a phase...And you can tell me all about it" he says, I don't listen. 

"I won't, cause I'm inlove with you. And there's no one else." 

"H you're like my little brother. I can't do this with you. I don't feel that way about you. And I don't see you that way" he explains softly, but he may as well have a knife to my tummy gutting me open.

"But you're gay" I say desperately. 

"And you should know that doesn't mean I want everyone" he teases.

Ouch

"I'm everyone now?"

"You know that's not what I meant!"

"And what did you mean" i challenge him.

"Harry you're picking a fight... I just want to spend time with you. So can we do that"

"You reject me, and you assume I'll want to watch TV with you?" I spit.

"I don't like you like that, but that doesn't have to change anything"

"It changes everything" i mumble.

A/N
I'm soo sleepy writing this , with my eyes half closed.... I'll proof read tomorrow.