Ethan And Life

Chapter 1

((TW for chapter: suicidal ideation))

"Dear Diary:

I want to die

A lot of the time I am completely fine, but sometimes I want to die and I have trouble finding reasons to keep living. Because I don't want to be an adult and I don't think I can handle being an adult. And I'm afraid I will ever be able to transition because my parents exist. And I'm afraid that I can never get professional help for my mental health and I don't want to live with the issues that I have forever. And I feel so worthless all the time. And I feel like there's no way out and I'm afraid that I will never be able to get away from my parents. And also because a couple of days ago I felt extremely numb and I couldn't enjoy anything and I am terrified that that will happen again and that I will feel like that forever.

Just writing this out is making me cry. It'll get better one day though, right? Right? I don't know, it feels like nothing can ever get better."

Ethan put down his pen, closed his diary, and sighed.

His phone dinged with a notification, and he picked it up. It was a text message from one of the guys from school, a nice enough guy named Ryan. They weren't very close - Ethan wasn't close to anyone- but he seemed nice and they hung out sometimes.

From Ryan: Hey Ethan, wanna hang out tonight?

Ethan texted back.

From Ethan: Sure, where to?

From Ryan: I was going to a coffee shop with some of my friends and I thought you might want to come too.

From Ethan: That sounds fun.
Thank you, Ryan. I'd love to meet up with you. :)
I look forward to it.
See you later, :)

***
Later, he told his mom that he was going to hang out with friends. She looked suspicious, but reluctantly agreed to let him go.

When Ethan arrived at the coffee shop, he spotted Ryan's car parked, two other cars that presumably belonged to his friends. Ethan waved at them and they waved back excitedly.

He shut off the engine and hopped out of the car. He didn't feel much like doing anything at the moment, but he figured it would be best to hang out with Ryan. You never know, doing something different and socializing might be good for him. Besides, he loved the feeling of having free time on his hands.

Ethan walked over to Ryan and his friends, a guy named Mason and a girl named Chloe. Ethan had never seen Chloe before, but he'd seen Mason in one of his classes. Mason looked confused when Ryan introduced Ethan as Ethan, and Ethan's heart sunk. Of course Mason assumed Ethan's name was Elizabeth because the teachers had called him that. At least Mason didn't say anything about it. Yet. And Chloe either didn't realize that Ethan was trans or didn't care. Either way Ethan was grateful for Chloe not saying anything.
After Ethan shook everyone else's hand, they made their way into the coffee shop and grabbed a table in the corner.
The conversation flowed easily between the four of them, Ethan feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time. He felt less anxious, less overwhelmed by his surroundings. The last few months had been exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining. And now, for the first time in a long time, he could talk to people without having someone point out that he looked different.

"So," Mason said after a while. "You must be pretty new here." He gestured around the room. Ethan nodded.

"Yeah, I moved here from Chicago. I just started my senior year of high school. How about you guys?"

"I moved here from Vermont two years ago," Mason said.

"I was born here," Ryan said, smiling.

"I moved here a long time ago," Chloe said.

Mason leaned forward towards Ethan. "So you're trans, right?" he asked out of nowhere.

"Oh, um, yeah." Ethan fidgeted, looking away. "Why do you ask?"

"'Cause the teacher called you Elizabeth and you look and sound like a girl, but you say your name is Ethan," Mason said.

'You look and sound like a girl' made Ethan's heart sink, but he managed to smile. "Okay," was all he said.

Chloe looked confused. "What do you mean, he looks and sounds like a girl? He looks like a boy to me, and yeah his voice might be a little high pitched, but I've heard boys who sound like that. I didn't even know he was trans until now."

Ethan was grateful that at least he could pass somewhat, but this conversation was making him so uncomfortable. "Can we move on from my gender identity?" he said, raising his voice slightly and cutting off Mason before he could continue questioning.

"Oh...sorry." Mason rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to freak you out."

Ethan internally rolled his eyes. How was asking to not be interrogated about his gender freaking out? Was he just trying to find a way to get under Ethan's skin by getting him angry? But Ethan decided not to dwell on that anymore. "No worries man. It's fine."

"Alright, well..." Chloe spoke up. "Do you guys want anything? I'll get the drinks."
Ryan grinned, looking relieved that the conversation was no longer about Ethan's gender. "I want a coffee, thanks."

"I want some tea," Ethan said.

"I'll have a herbal tea," said Mason.

Chloe went to go order the drinks. While she did that, Ethan glanced around the rest of the cafe. People were drinking coffee, eating sandwiches and talking amongst themselves.

This was what he had always wanted to experience, Ethan realized. Sitting somewhere with people who didn't mind if he talked and laughed. It gave him a sense of normalcy.

Soon Chloe returned with the drinks. The conversation soon returned to normal things; how old they were and what they liked. When Ethan brought up his favorite book, Ethan noticed Chloe's face light up. "Oh my God! I love that book too!"

They chatted for a bit longer until it was time for them to go home. "It was nice meeting you," Ethan said to Mason and Ryan.

Ryan smiled and nodded. "Yeah! We should totally get together again sometime, okay?"

"Definitely," Ethan answered.
Mason waved goodbye as he and Chloe left.

Ethan headed back to his car and drove home.