Ethan And Life

Chapter 5

((TW for chapter: depression, gender dysphoria))

Nothing notable happened in the next week. He did get teased a bit at school, but he tried his best not to let it get to him again, and he started feeling a bit better. He managed to go through most of his classes without incident and he was starting to enjoy his classes more.

He hung out with Ryan several times a week, and he also hung out with Chloe a few times and got to know her more. He didn't have anyone else to talk to besides her and Ryan, but at least they were good company.

He found out that Ryan was an artist, and he was really good at it too. His paintings, which were mainly landscapes, were pretty amazing. When Ethan saw one of his work, he was immediately captivated by the vibrant colors, lush green grass, and colorful flowers that created an almost ethereal effect.

"What do you think of it?" Ryan asked him excitedly.

He stared in awe, speechless. "Wow," he said breathlessly. "This looks awesome."

Ryan smiled widely. "Thanks! I like doing art."

***

But soon things started getting bad again. Ethan felt his depression setting in again. He felt lost. Like he had no purpose. He felt like he wasn't real. Like the world just wasn't real. It was getting hard to get up out of bed. Hard to go to eat. Hard to talk to anyone.

And his body grew more and more disgusting to him. He cried daily about the fact that he looked like a girl, about how his body looked. Sometimes he wondered why God even bothered making him at all.

He had to keep functioning despite how he was feeling, or he would get in trouble. It took every ounce of energy he had to get out of bed and do his daily tasks, let alone talk to Ryan or Chloe, so he started distancing himself from them.

Ryan immediately knew something was wrong. Only a few days into Ethan's depressive episode, he texted him:

From Ryan: Ethan, are you okay?

From Ethan: Not really

From Ryan: Can I help?

From Ethan: No

From Ryan: :(

From Ethan: i just... don't feel good

From Ryan: Are you sick?

From Ethan: nah... just tired

From Ryan: Well if you want to talk, I'm always here.

From Ethan: thank you but im fine

From Ryan: Okay if you're sure.

From Ethan: yeah

***

A couple days later, after school, Ryan called Ethan. "Hey, dude. Everything alright?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"Yeah... why wouldn't it be?" Ethan tried to sound calm and collected.

"Uh, because you've been acting really weird? Like a total zombie? I just wanted to check in on you. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Okay... Are you sure? Cause if something is going on, you can talk to me. I know you don't feel very well, and it's okay to talk about it to someone. You don't have to bottle it up anymore. Talk to me about it. Whatever it is."

"It's nothing," Ethan lied. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm still worried about it. Please... Talk to me."

Ethan hesitated. He could hear Ryan anxiously fidgeting on the other line, waiting for him to answer. Finally, Ethan relented. "I guess... I don't really know what to do. I just feel ... hopeless. Like there's no way out. Like there never will be a way out." Ethan felt the tears streaming down his face as he talked. "Like my life is pointless. Like I'm worthless. Like I don't deserve to live." He sniffed, wiped away his tears. "I'm such an idiot. Why am I talking to you about this? We barely know each other. How can I expect anyone to understand?"

Ryan sighed. "Listen. Just give yourself time to heal. Okay? It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or any time soon. Just try to be as kind to yourself as you can. I'm here for you whenever you need me."

Ethan sniffled. "Thanks Ry." he replied shakily. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime, dude. Seriously. And... whatever else happens to you, please take care of yourself, okay? Even if you feel like it's impossible. You deserve happiness."

"You really care about me, huh?" Ethan asked softly.

"Yeah. A lot."

"You're too nice," Ethan said, wiping his eyes, smiling slightly.

"Oh, hush. I'll stop being nice when you start feeling normal again, alright?"

"Deal." Ethan chuckled through his tears.