ALIAS | loid forger x reader / agent twilight x reader [spyxfamily]

4

Y/n Forger. Saturday, 11:21 PM.

There's something strangely appealing about living life irrationally.

As much as people don't want to admit it, we live in a Darwinistic society. The top CEOs, military leaders, doctors, and more all have one thing in common: they're thinkers. Whether they make decisions that rationally benefit them or their people of interest, they know how to weigh their options and make the most plausible one. If you don't know how to think, you're as good as dead.

Loid and I are thinkers. You don't climb the ranks of a national intelligence agency by letting your emotions guide you. Empathy for the well-being of society is always factored in, of course, but when it comes down to it, rationality is what protects the world.

If only it wasn't so tedious to be wise all the time.

I'm faintly at ease with irrationality. There is one particular instance where all sense of reason dissolves into the sea of consciousness, and that is while sustaining intense emotions. It's nearly impossible to accurately calculate any and all consequences, outcomes, or benefits when a drop of insanity can tinge your vision red. I guess it's safe to say I lost myself a little a few hours ago.

I don't blame Loid for thinking so either. In the heat of the moment, I wanted answers. I wanted to prove something so comically absurd. I was feeling a little stabby, per se. Now, it's a matter of staying cautious in order to avoid the consequences of my poorly thought out decisions.

I can't say, though, that it wasn't fun while it lasted. Who knew it would be so relieving to lose a sense of reason, even if it was just for a few minutes?

I sat on the mattress with a pillow supporting my back, letting a book rest on my knees as I assessed my actions. Loid and I sat on opposite sides of our bed for an hour. We read books without speaking once. Solely the sounds of pages flipping, bedsheets rustling, and the occasional cough accompanied my thoughts.

When he entered the room after he had put Anya to sleep and I had finished brushing my teeth, I wanted to say something then. He could hardly look at me; it was like we were stuck in our tracks for a split second. I felt like he should've been privy to what I just got myself into. But at the same time, it could cost me my spot on this mission. Most of all, it could cost the mission itself.

I did not want to risk that, when I could handle it perfectly on my own.

I folded over the corner of a page, shutting the book and sliding it onto my nightstand. I pulled the switch of the lamp, shutting off my dim golden light with a click. By the time my eyes were closed and I was comfortably laying down, I heard him do the same thing. The click of his bedside lamp made my vision go dark behind my eyelids. The bed moved slightly as he got comfortable as well. We were all but twenty four inches apart. Our backs were turned to each other as we prepared to spend our first night together with guilt and resentment.

"I'm sorry," he spoke out after a minute. His voice was so gentle, like it was guiding me towards solace. Like he was afraid to startle me.

The air was still. The night was unfamiliar. It felt like treading unknown waters with no sign of where to head next. All I knew was that talking about anything, admitting anything, would help us feel a little more at peace.

"I'm sorry too," I whispered.

"No, no, I mean it. I shouldn't have disagreed with you like that. It was petty."

Well, now that it's only a matter of time before Garden, an underground assassination group, realizes I'm back in Ostania and tries to execute me, I probably deserved that discord.