Fatal Pursuit

diecinueve/diciannove

"I've never said that to any girl before." my eyes stuck to his lips as he says this, "Infinity, say something," he pleads.

"What do you want me to say, Ignacio?"

"I- I don't fucking know but don't just stand there with your arms crossed like you don't give a shit."

"I'm trying to process it all, okay? It's a lot!"

"I know..."

"I mean, you barge in here, don't say a word as you jump into the shower with me, tell me all of that shit with Isaac and now you love me? How do you even know that you love me? You told me that you've never been in love before."

"I may not know exactly what it is to fall in love the normal way, all I know is that the thought of you was the only thing that kept me going. The hope to see your pretty face again, to touch your beautiful skin, to kiss your soft lips...that was my will to live. Even when I was at my lowest point and ready to give up, remembering the sound of your voice got me out of it. Now I don't know exactly what the fuck that means to you but I'll be damned if that's not love. I know very well what I'm feeling. I've lived it, I've seen it, I've been alone with it. I looked it in its eyes in the form of the barrels of a gun," he takes hold of my hips, drawing me towards him, "You feel it too, I know you do. I can see it in the way you look at me." he says desperately, almost like he's begging me to feel it.

I keep my eyes on the space where his clavicle meets his chest. I can't meet his eyes, I just can't,"That look isn't for you...it's for Dante."

When I said this, for some odd reason I held my breath for a moment as I do when I tell lies. But, it's not a lie... I know it's not. I love Dante. Yes, I do.

I do, I do, I do.

"I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I really am. If I had known that any of this had been going on, things would be different. But, I've moved on..."

"Lie again." he spat.

My eyes snapped up to his but only for a split second,"I'm not! I'm in love with Dante now."

"Look me in my eyes and say it then."

I tried but I couldn't do it, my chin felt too heavy to lift up, "I'm taken." I said firmly.

He shakes his head, placing my face in his palms, "You are for me. You are mine." I felt a familiarly oversized tickle resuscitating itself in my stomach. I shook my head in defiance whether it was to deny him or my feelings.

He wrenched my chin upwards, his piercing eyes were capable of sending me into a hysteria comparable to that of the madman from The Tell-Tale Heart, "Say it." he rasped.

"Say what?"

"Say that you feel nothing for me at all. Say that it really was just a fling, that everything we went through and what we had didn't matter. That it was only beneath the sheets."

My eyes started to descend his chest again, "It was just-"

"Say it to my face." he demanded, jerking my chin back towards his blazing gaze, "Go on, say it."

Dante loves me and I love him too. He cares about me. He wants me. I need him.

All things I wanted to say but... I just couldn't. The words piled up behind my lips. It was that same inability to speak that I have encountered only once in my life: when I was intimate with Nacho for the very first time.

I tried. I really did. But it was him. His presence clouded my normal thought process and good judgment. It was like he jammed the signals to my brain.

Whenever I started to tell him about all of the things that Dante has done for me in his absence, I could only remember all the places in which Ignacio had my eyes rolling into my brain in ineffable ecstasy.