Watch Your Step

Birds and Bells (1)

The sound of the alarm on my phone blares, telling me it's going to be a busy day. First, I'm going to meet up with Earl and then I'm going to break up with him. Or wasn't that the same thing I said last month?

Today, my plan is I'm going to make this day the best day for him. The perfect day. Then I'd leave him. Devastated and crying. Because that's what he made me feel. And I won't let him get away with it.

These days it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed. But the sound of birds chirping and the bells ringing in my phone beg to differ. From time to time, hearing it over and over, it's natural to be irritated by it. Nonetheless, I'm very reliant on my alarms. I find myself anticipating its melody which calms me down.

Every hour it rings because I keep forgetting where I'd put my phone on. When I take a shower or eat at the table, I only find it when it alarms.

At 7, I wake up.

At 8, I eat my breakfast.

Now, it's time to take a bath. I snooze it and I will only deactivate it after I'm done with the task at hand.

I take my clothes off and put the music on. A song Kathang isip by Ben and Ben plays — it's Earl's favorite song. I wash my body before I run to the toilet and puke. I pull my wet hair back and open my mouth.

"The water, Bea!" My mother shouted from the living room. I let the shower trickle for a while, leaving it open for an hour won't hurt. She's overreacting again.

The night I first slept in Earl's apartment flashes through my mind. How long has it been? I asked myself. Followed by all those times we had sex. I think back to when he still complimented me after he's done. But now even in front of our friends, he blatantly embarrasses me. And back when he forced me to film — saying a videotape is an assurance.

"And when did I last have my period?" These recent nights, we had unprotected sex even though I said we should use a condom. "You are mine," those words seem to always rise from the grave of my memories. I promise myself I won't be anymore. "So never mind," I respond to my own question.

I wear a velvet dress and matching stilettos. When my mother sees me she asks, "Bea, where are you going?"

"A group study," I answer. She doesn't know I'm hooking up with someone.

"Take care," she says.

I say goodbye and tell her I won't be home tonight. But I need to promise her I'll come home — not like Dad who chose his other family.

I check my phone and see Earl's messages.

See you

I miss you

Hurry up.

I miss you

Right now, I miss you are his repetitive words to me that make me paralyzed. But that's right, keep missing me. I want him to miss me until he becomes crazy. I want him to suffer from my absence. To be desperate for me to come back but I won't.

We meet at a local cafe where we first met in person.

"Hey there, pretty girl," he greets me as he gets out of his car. He's wearing khakis pants and a button-down shirt. He tries to hide his stomach but it's still showing and there's a fresh cut on his neck because he shaved his face. He asks me if I want a coffee, I don't. I just want this day to be over.

Straightaway, we get in his car and he drives us to a restaurant. This one's new, luxurious, remote. My mother always told me when I was a kid to settle for a man with money.

Here I am, Mom, I hope you're proud of me.

Being an accomplished film director, Earl meets the standard. I keep in mind that he can make a living for the both of us... but I'm still going to break up with...

"This is what you're going to eat," Earl snaps me out of my reverie. He's already ordering the food for me. It has always been this way. It's nonsensical to speak or argue as he never listens to me. He says he always knows better because he's older. Way older. He's 27 and I'm 18, well — turning 18 next month.

I met Earl online. He wasn't joking when he said he doesn't look like his pictures in person. But I don't judge by looks. I was in there for the fun, for the benefits of being fancy. Expensive restaurants. A party here and there. I knew he could provide me with what I deserved. But when we first met, I still hoped he would be someone really special. A man who would understand me, who would listen to me, who would care for me.

Turns out, he's the complete opposite. Once he got what he wanted, took my virginity, he completely changed. I only dealt with him this far for his opulence. I should be taking more from him. I know it's not enough. It's hardly enough.

Well, he pays all the bills whenever we eat outside. But I can't seem to accept I'm owing him this last day we'd be together. So I say, "I'm paying."

"Why?" He looks at me incredulously, "You won't afford it anyway."

"How much?"

He ignores me.

"I said I'm paying."

Now he meets me directly in the eyes and firmly says, "No."

You see, only his No's are valid.

The alarm blares again when the food comes. A gourmet of lobster, crabs, and oysters. Mashed potatoes and dry pasta as a side dish, but I still prefer rice.

The annoying birds and bells from my alarm sing vehemently. We're just in time as it indicates my lunch schedule. 12:00 pm. I can see from Earl's gritted teeth that he's more irritated about my alarms than I am.

"Shut that thing off," he says. Perturbed, I oblige.

Despite all the expensive food in front of me, I lost my appetite when I noticed him looking at my breasts.

"You're getting thin," he says. "I want you plumper."

I can't even set my eyes on his face while I can feel his gaze never leaving me. I didn't say anything. It's sardonic. Last time he suggested I take diet pills and reminded me I looked like a pig. Now he wants me what? Plumper?

Suck my dick, asshole.