Everything Changes

Chapter Thirty-One: Lonely

Brittany mustered up the strength to return to college for that spring semester.

Every time she left home, she felt like she was losing more and more pieces of herself. How was it only three years ago that she was happy? A boyfriend, a huge friend group, partying every weekend, and endless boats and beach trips. Where did that all go?

And why did college have to be the one to take all of that happiness away from her? Wasn't college supposed to enhance that? Wasn't she supposed to find her future bridesmaids, her future husband, countless memories, and a new and improved version of herself?

The only thing college gave her was sadness. Shitty friends, shitty grades, shitty parties, shitty people, shitty teammates, and shitty luck.

And with that came isolation. She would rather be alone, spending time with herself consumed by her own thoughts, than to spend time with her shitty friends. She did everything alone. It was better that way. But she didn't want to call it isolation because she didn't see it that way. She saw it more as independence.

But with sadness and isolation came coping. People say: 'don't cope the same way you celebrate' - but if Brittany was being honest, she couldn't tell the difference. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were the only days she felt somewhat happy. Partying and drinking were the only ways she could feel something.

It was faux happiness. Happiness in disguise for sadness.

Brittany had always been a party animal. She rarely missed a party in high school. But was always a classy drinker - rarely, if ever, drinking to the point where she blacked out and was emptying the contents of her stomach the next morning. Now, she had no idea what drinking in moderation even meant. She drank to black out. She drank to forget. She was so stingy with her alcohol, not wanting anyone to even take a sip of it, because she needed to save it for parties. And she would rather skip out on a party if it meant she had to be sober.

To no one's surprise, Isabel wasn't the best influence on Brittany, either. She was much more of a smoker, preferring the feeling of being high, but was a drinker as well. At parties, the two of them together were a wild duo. A deadly mix.

Brittany didn't remember a lot of parties and a lot of the decisions that she made - but she did remember making out with freshly single Marco De León in the kitchen of the frat house. It was exhilarating to have an audience - his ex-girlfriend Gi, Isabel (of course), Autumn, and Toby.

Brittany's blonde friend Christina was baffled to witness the sight of her and Marco, stating that she was 'surprised he would even want to kiss her because he never seemed that interested in her.' To be fair, Brittany was never that interested in Marco, either - it was just called having fun. Maybe her friend should try it sometime!

Toby went to bed that night wishing he could erase the image of Marco and Brittany haunting his mind.

But they were even. Brittany wished she could erase the memory of Toby not showing up to her twentieth birthday party. He promised her he'd be there - but that was before their talk after the fundraiser. She wasn't sure why she still had a small ounce of hope that he'd show up. She was stupid to get her hopes so high.

That night she sat in the stairwell of her suite, wearing a tight black dress and a 'birthday girl' sash as the tears welled in her eyes. Only a few of her close friends were back in her room with Isabel, taking shots of Pink Whitney. It became even more painfully obvious in that moment that Toby wasn't coming, that it was the worst birthday she ever had, and that she was getting a tortuous college experience instead of the great one she expected.