Seasons #1

Azrael

When I walk through the door I don't say anything to anyone. I run up the stairs to my room and slam the door shut. I scream. I take a few deep breaths and lay down on my bed. I close my eyes and let myself fall asleep.

He's now seven years old. His mother wakes him up telling him its his seventh birthday. He pulls the blanket over his face not caring. His mother pulls the blanket off of him and says she has a surprise for him. He gets out of bed slowly and follows her into the living room.

She hands him a box smiling. "This is yours."

He smiles at her and takes the box. He opens it and a golden puppy sticks its head out. "A puppy." He says. "Mine?"

"Yes, he's yours. You have to promise me you won't let daddy see it. Daddy can't see the puppy."

"Puppy make daddy mad right?"

"Yes. The puppy will make him really mad. We can't have daddy get mad."

The child nods and runs to his room carrying the puppy tightly in his arms.

Later that night the yelling starts. He can hear his mother being hit. The puppy starts barking. The child tries to keep it quiet but the puppy keeps barking. The child beings to cry. His bedroom door slams open and his father sees the puppy.

"What the fuck is this?!" He yells at the crying child. "Where did you get this?!"

"Mommy gave him to me." The child says through sobs.

"Mommy gave it to you?"

The child nods his head still crying.

"Mommy is in trouble. Bad mommy. She broke one of daddy's rules." He picks up the puppy and looks at it. "No pets are allowed in daddy's house." He squeezes the puppy and it squeals.

"No daddy! No hurt the puppy. He not do anything wrong!" The child yells wiping tears from his eyes.

His father throws the puppy and it hits the floor. It yelps really loud and runs to hide under the bed.

His mother walks in. "I'm sorry. I just wanted him to have a decent birthday."

"A decent birthday? Its his birthday today? Why didn't you tell me? I would have got him something."

"Liar. You don't even care about him!"

His father slaps his mother. "Stand there and don't move. If you move even an inch, he gets more!" He takes off his belt and pushes the child to his knees.

"No!" His mother grabs his father's arm. He slaps her.

"I said don't move!"

He grips the belt in his hand. "Daddy loves you, Azrael. Daddy doesn't want to hurt you, but he has to show mommy that he loves you." He brings the belt down hard on the child's back. The child screams out in pain. His mother sobs quietly feeling so helpless. His father whips him several more times before his mother runs in front of the belt and falls down to her knees when the belt hits her arm.

"Foolish woman!" His father yells. "You just made a big mistake."

Time skips to the child's tenth birthday. He's sitting on his bedroom floor counting down the minutes until his father gets home. Every minute gets closer to his father whipping him with the belt. The child already has it laying neatly on the bed. He takes of his shirt and folds it. He lays the folded shirt on his bed and gets to his knees. He faces the bed and counts to ten in his head. Once he gets to ten, he hears the front door open and his father's voice. The child takes a deep breath and waits for his bedroom door to open.

His door opens and his father walks in. "Good boy. I see that you are already prepared for today. Less time for you today."

"Just fucking get it over with."

"Extra time for you now. Learn to control your mouth. Learn some damn respect." He grabs the belt off of the bed and grips it in his hand.

"I will never have respect for you. Just do it already." The child swallows hard and leans down on the bed.

His father brings the belt down hard on the child's back. The child holds in a scream as the belt comes down again. "Scream, Azrael! Tell me it hurts!" His father yells. He brings the belt down harder and the child screams. He screams until this throat is sore. He screams until he can't anymore.

His father drops the belt and gets down on his knees. He pulls the child to him. He holds the child tightly to his chest. He holds the child until he hears his son go quiet. He picks up his unconscious son and lays him on the bed. He pulls the blanket over him and turns out the light. He picks up the belt off the floor and leaves his son's bedroom pulling the door shut behind him.

I wake up soaked in sweat. I run to the bathroom and throw up until I can't breathe. I sit on the bathroom floor and take deep breaths. I look up at the clock on the wall. Its only a little after midnight. I cry silently before getting up. I wash my face and dry it. I take some pain pills and wash them down with water from the sink.

I walk back into my bedroom. When I close the door behind me, I hear a female voice. "You had a nightmare again, didn't you?"

I turn around to see Meredith sitting on my bed.

"I don't want to talk about it." I say as I walk back to my bed. I lay down and pull the covers up to my chin. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I'll be here when you're ready to." She stands up to leave.

"Wait." I say. She turns around and sits back down on the bed.

"Yes?" She replies.

"Give me a reason to wake up in the morning. Make me feel good about myself and remind me that none of it was ever my fault. Tell me not to end my fight. I don't want to lose it but I feel like I already am. Its getting harder to keep myself together. Its getting harder to remind myself that I'm okay. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself. I don't want to end my fight, I just want to ease the pain. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I need you to tell me you would care if I ended it all. Tell me you would be sad if I did. Tell me you love me." I take a deep breath as the tears slide down my face.

"Oh, Azrael. Come here." She holds out her arms for me. I sit up and let her hold me to her chest. "I do love you. I care about you and I would be so heartbroken if I ever lost you." She rubs my cheek softly. "I'm sorry you have to feel this way. I wish I could take it all for you. No one should ever have to go through this. I'm sorry." She kisses my forehead and lets go of me. I look up at her and she wipes a tear from my cheek. "I will always be here for you, Azrael. I will never hurt you. I need you to understand that. You will always matter to me. You are enough. You're not a burden, you're a blessing. An angel sent to remind us all that no one is perfect. You remind me everyday just how important life is. I don't ever want to lose you."

I nod and lay down. She kisses my forehead softly and turns off the light. I hear my bedroom door close and let out a breath. I lay there taking deep breaths and count to ten. That doesn't ease the pain so I get out of bed and walk over to my closet. I pull a box out from under a pile of blankets. I open and pull out a blade and some gauze. I open a sanitizing cloth and rub it on the blade. I open the gauze and lay it the floor. I pull up my sleeve and take a deep breath. I bite my tongue as the pain reminds me that I am still human.