Seasons #1

Azrael

I'm putting my books away in my locker when someone pushes me. I drop my books and stumble back. I catch my balance so I don't fall. I look to see who pushed and instantly feel the anger build uo inside. Ryan and Zach are standing there laughing at me.

"Oh look at him. I think he's getting upset. Are you going to cry momma's boy?" Ryan says.

Without thinking I grab him and shive him against the wall. "I've done it once don't make me do it again. Keep my mother out of your fucking mouth! You don't get to talk about her." I punch him in the face and let go of him. He falls to the ground. I can feel him watching me walk away.

I walk to the bathroom, and hesitate at the door. I let my thoughts consume me. I lock myself in a stall and sit on the floor. I sit with my knees up to my chest. I take deep breaths and put my head in my hands. I let the tears fall. I feel nauseous and my body feels numb. My breath comes out forced and I cough, struggling to breath.

I take a deep breath and pull my sleeves up. I rub my scars and the healing cuts. I pull a blade out of my bag and rub it against my arm. I hesitate, thinking of Sage. The negative thoughts overpower and I sink the blade in a little too deep. I do it a few more times and flush the bloody blade. I stand up and walk out of the stall to the sink. I turn on the warm water and wash off my arms. I pull out a strip of gauze and wrap my arms tightly. I pull my sleeves down, grab my back and walk out of the bathroom. Sage sees me coming out and starts walking towards me. I turn and walk the opposite way. I turn down the next hallway and walk outside hoping she doesn't see me.

"Azrael stop!" I hear yell behind me. "If you love you, you won't go outside."

Wrong thing for her to say. I push the door open and run out, to the side of the building where the picnic tables are. I close my eyes hoping she won't come after me.

"You did it again, didn't you? Why didn't you come find me?" She yells.

My anxiety flares up and my temper strains wanting to force its way out in my words. "You weren't there. You never are until its too late." My voice breaks and I feel myself tear up. "You're never there. I shouldn't have to run to you."

"Azrael. Don't act like this. Talk to me, please. What's wrong?" I hear her walk closer.

"Stop. Don't come any closer. I'm not in the mood to be around anyone." I take a few steps closer to the table.

"Azrael, please. Don't be like this. Let me help you calm down." I hear the sadness in her voice.

Am I wrong for being mad at her? Why am I depending on her to make me feel better? Why do I want her to not listen to me and pull me into her arms. Why do I want her so bad?

"I'm not sorry. I can't control the anger and hate I feel. I can't- "

I feel her arms wrap around my waist and she rests her head on my back. I turn to face her and she hugs me tightly. I wrap my arms around her. I take deep breaths and close my eyes. I count to ten in my head. She pulls away and smiles at me, tears running down her face.

"This is the Azrael I want. I know he's there. I know he's hurting. I want him to know that he doesn't ever have to be alone. I am here for you, Azrael. Stop trying to push me away. I know I'm not your mother, but you can still love me and show emotion. Stop hiding yourself. I know you're struggling and I know its fucking hard to not feel alone. I understand the feeling of not having anyone to run to when its get too hard to handle. I know how much it hurts feeling like no one cares." She wipes a tear from her cheek. "I watched my dad walk out on my mom at nine years old. I heard him tell her I was a waste of time raising. I watched him pack his stuff and leave. The dad I thought loved me, walked out and left me. I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love to hurt you and the people you love."

"I didn't love him. I couldn't." I sit down at the table and put my head down.

"I'm not comparing my life to yours. I just want you to understand that you're not alone. You don't have to hurt yourself to feel safe. Find someone who makes you feel better about yourself. Find someone to run to when you feel yourself at your breaking point. Don't let yourself feel like you can't do it anymore. You deserve to live more than anyone else in this world. I need you to see you the way I see you. You're an amazing person, Azrael. Let yourself move on and leave the past where it belongs. You are not the child tied to the chair anymore. You are more than that. Let yourself heal." She stands next me and holds out her arms.

I stand up and let her hold me. I breathe in her sweet scent. I pull away and look into her brown eyes. "Its not that easy. I'm trying to heal. I try so hard everyday. Ever since I met you, its a little easier. I am not okay and I need you to understand that. I have so much hate and anger running through my mind every single day. I have no love for anyone in this world. I lost it the day he took my mother from me. I haven't allowed myself to love anyone ever again. Love only hurt me and took everything away from me. Its so fucking hard to let it back in."

"I understand that. I will be right here and I wont leave you. I'll love you when you can't love yourself." She kisses me.

"You're not going to give up on me, are you?" I reply.

"Never." She replies.

"You can't fix me. I have tried for years and haven't managed to do it. Don't think you can just come into my life and change me. This is who I am."

"This is not who you are. You are more than the emotions you feel everyday. I know you are. I'm not trying to change, I'm just trying to help you see that you are better than what you think. I want to show you what real love feels like."

I smile. A real smile. "You're too pure for this world." I reply. "How does someone like you want to be with someone like me?"

She smiles. "You're too broken for this world. Someone like me is meant to be with someone like you."

"I want to say I love you, but I can't. Not yet." I say.

"Until you do, I have enough love for both of us." She smiles at me and kisses my cheek. She stands up and walks back inside the building.

For the first time since I was a child, I let myself be happy. Happier than I should be. Its a great feeling. Its amazing to feel loved by someone who actually cares about you.

I walk back inside and grab my books from my locker for the next class. I still feel happy as I walk into class and take my seat next to my favorite person. She smiles at me and I smile back at her. She blushes lightly.

I can't wait to tell her I love her.