i tried: poems from a lost soul

chase

The caterpillar said if I do not know where I want to go
Then it does not matter if I turn left or right
He is right
As I suspect caterpillars usually are
But it is funny I am writing a poem about not knowing where to go
And having trouble figuring out the next sentence
Because I do not know where I am headed

Ha

Beheaded
Off with my head
Anything to end it
Chop

Unfortunately I have established I cannot
So
Moving on
To this chase
The chase
Documented in what is really my deranged ramblings with extra line breaks inserted to make it seem more sophisticated
Though I digress again

Methinks I am chasing after
The ever elusive happiness
Fulfillment
Contentment
Something
More than this nothing
But my path is taking me further
And further

Except
Well
It is more wherever the terrain takes me
Which is downhill
Of course
And wow this metaphor kinda makes sense

Or does it

So must I always be resisting the pull of gravity to fight uphill in the never ending trek for better like a less glamorous Ms Sisyphus
Or is there another way

But I am so used to quick fixes
Solve an integral in ten seconds
Unreal
Down the depression spiral I go
Does it make me feel some sick satisfaction that I am sabotaging my own life
Is that what this is
Because I am done

I wish I was done

I am not

I am still on the hunt for a prize I have not decided on yet
Or mayhaps a prize I do not want
Success
Status
Bragging rights
Is that what I want
Am I really trying to discipline myself using the fear of fear because wow it is not working
Wonder
If this burning hot garbage pile can be salvaged

You are most certainly welcome to try
But now the thought creeps that I never will because I lack a growth mindset and double wow the irony

Maybe this is not working
Maybe you should try real poetry sometime instead of using it as an excuse to fester in your unhappiness when you could just get out goddammit
Just be fluent
Just be better
Does it apply here or am I deluded
Delusional

Dead

On the inside

But not enough oh for the sake of fuck that is enough for one day come back tomorrow leave.