i tried: poems from a lost soul

Deep Winter Night

I.

The time is 8:45.

I'm on the road

Pitch black

Twin headlamps gliding by like 

Glowing eyes of a soulless creature 

Predatory.

So I lied, okay,

It's actually ten past five

Blast the high altitude early sunset

That plunges us into Nyx far,

Far earlier than I am prepared for.

We thank the gods the Solstice has passed.

It will get better

Maybe not that soon

But definitely eventually.

I cannot allow any other possibility.

It HAS to get better, don't you see?

It has to get better 

Because this -

The fardels I fashioned and put on my own back -

This cannot be forever.

I refuse to entertain the option.

Is it possible to threaten life into getting better 

Out of desperation?

Well, we're doing it

We're doing it and it's going to work.

II.

We pass each other without acknowledgement 

Voyagers on the path from mountain to sea

Silent companions?

Deathly strangers?

This is the only way I know:

I am not the only.

There are others here, too

Presence a small comfort.

I'm hurtling at speed in a big metal nox

And the passengers -

We do not speak. We do not breath.

There's a beautiful girl in the seat next to me -

I do not look at her.

I say I do not wish to be born in the past

But I yearn for its community anyway.

III.

How does one begin to explain this?

This not-quite-comfortable silence,

This not-quite-comfortable darkness

Just staring out the window

Passive

Removed

Cut off from the world.

Such intense isolation 

That leaves a dangerous amount of space

For the thoughts inside your brain

To get louder

And louder

Deafening.

Too loud to hear the birds chirp

Too loud to hear the flowers bloom

(Cus it's winter, you idiot.

There are no birds or flowers in winter.)

How desperately I wish for spring

For light.

For forgiveness.

Forgive me lord for I have made bad financial decisions 

And a lier of myself.