The Fool & The Hermit

viii. The Ghost of You II

Summer of 2018 California

Speaking over the phone...

"Grandma, thanks a lot.. I miss you too" - New

"I love you, dear, see you soon" - Grandma Gracie

I groaned on my bed, a year of living has its ups and downs. I did fine while working at a law firm being an office clerk, I avoided handling cases. I don't think I can stand in a courtroom again. In the first months of working in this law firm, I tried handling a case but every time the feeling bites me back. I would feel nauseated almost falling sick after every case, I was not as confident as I was before.

But they were very kind to a foreigner like me as I confined them my situation, they still let me work as an office clerk managing papers and clients profiles.

But it does not any good to me, I became deeply engulfed with grieving for Earth and depression.
It was one foot deep in the endless abyss and all I can see was grey.
I consulted a psychiatrist, and one thing that did me good was accepting my situation and accepting that I need to be helped.
Months came by made me go in and out of consultations but ended up going to bars and becoming drunk.

Till I got a call from a person who introduced themselves as my grandma from my father's side.
Apparently my mother contacted anyone she can reach out to just to look for me. Leaving Thailand without no one knowing.
Set her off to contact people, thus my grandma finding me through an investigator. My father died 3 years ago without me knowing. I was a product of my mom's recklessness from a young age.

We haven't got a good relationship anyway, although it was just an accident my mom contact my dad sometimes without me knowing.
She kept it from me till now.

Now constantly been in contact with my grandma for months and knew my situation now that I had opened up to her. She asks that I stay with her rather than be alone.

Thinking about it my psychiatrist also suggested that a change of pace might be a good idea. So here we are already packing for a trip the next day to Canada.

A few months of staying at grandma's made me gain weight, with no more sunken eyes, and a thin wrist. My weight had incredibly improved and it was all thanks to her, she was a bubbly grandma. She filled me with stories of dad and her escapades when she was young.  She was loved by neighbors and fellow rangers, well she is a former ranger in her heyday.

She told me that if I am interested I should try it out. Which is I am not, not really of an outdoor person.
We got comfortable with each other very quickly and I was happy, my stay extended for months till I resigned from my job and moved to Canada permanently. My mother reaches out to my grandma at times but I never talked to her not that I wanted to.

Grandma Gracie took care like I was there all along being in the family for long, maybe because she had no one left. Her son passed away at a young age, and her husband died of sickness and left her. Now all she has is me.
Though grateful for her 1 year is not enough to brush off the horrible past that occurred, it scarred me for real I'd have nightmares of being shot.

I still drink slowly slipping into the madness of alcohol, that it got worse Granma Gracie hauled my ass off my bed and applied me to be a ranger trainee refusing to take me back if I didn't finish it...
At first, it was hard for me as a former lawyer who only works in an office and court. Harsh activities such as this threw me off.

But as time went on I became accustomed to it, I continued being a ranger and was designated to the forest at first grandma was hesitant. She was afraid of me being alone out there then eventually gave in.

At first, it was hard, I got a dilapidated cabin and there were no direct electricity lines, I could only rely on a solar panel that could only do little.

It was starting from scratch, and to my surprise, I got used to it fairly easily. A little spooked by the noises of the forest but everything was calm and peaceful this is what I had been looking for. I go to town once a month and rely on a helicopter package for good the rangers were provided once a week.
Grandma also slips in a few of her homemade pies because she is such a sweetheart to the senior rangers at the camp. It was thanks to her I was well taken care of.

I learned how to farm and eat organic it became a lifestyle now, and I feel much healthier. There are times that I'd feel lonely and stare at the photo on my fireplace. It was me and Earth on our graduation day.

Throwback 8 years ago ...

"New New New!! Let's take a picture!" - Earth

He was beaming as he reach out for me for a hug. His smiles reached his eyes that twinkle when you see them.
He was kind enough to let his parents know that my mom couldn't be there so they insisted on them just taking mom's place and it warmed my heart. They were just like family.

"Congratulations New!!"- Earth

Earth had hugged me tightly like the excited bean he was, they also invited me for a family dinner that they insisted I was already part of.

Now it was only just a lovely memory, of me and Earth smiling at the picture both arms on each other's shoulders side by side.

"You must have known I loved you since." - New

I was staring at the photo while sitting on a couch. It has been 6 months since I turned this run-down cabin into a homey one.

This living alone helped me in some ways find peace. Whenever I wanted to clear up my mind I'd wander and explore the forest.
The fresh greens towering over me and the calming rivers flowing upstream from the mountains. At times I would welcome hikers that get lost in the forest and send them off. Rescue animals from bear trappings that had been set up by some hunters around.
Of course, some unruly hunters came and hand-to-hand combat and self-defense came in handy as what I have learned from the ranger's camp.
It was always a must for me to carry firearms one shotgun and one handgun were hidden on my back.
So far I have never encountered where I have to use guns because a flare gun always comes in handy to give a signal to the closest ranger asking for help or backup.

Months become a blur then after a year, I became naturally attached to the forest.  There will always be a time I'd look back and remember Earth it gets lonely and I think of him.
Only reminiscing the parts where it was all smiles and bright sunshine on us.

I would still get nightmares but it was not as frequent as before. I could only walk along the forest at night when it gets hard for me to sleep back. Thinking if Earth were here he would be jumping excitedly for such a marvelous view of the stars.
He would always love nature it's reflected in his paintings. Sometimes I think that would it be good to come back home, would his parents blame me for his death.
I wish they would so I can stop the pain I had been carrying on for a while now. But I was not ready to look back and face people of Earth's past, of my past.

Maybe in time was all but my wishful thinking.

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A/N

So how was it?😅