Loving The Swan

Chaotic

R: I'm working on my thoughts. I don't understand how my mother could be such a vile woman and intentionally sleep with my fiance while we were in an active relationship. I knew Daniel slept around but i never thought he was sleeping around with the woman who raised me. I felt an aching sensation in my soul. apart of me knew this was it. Everything with Daniel is over, and not necessarily because i wanted it to be but because he betrayed me. I will admit i hurt him in the past but he broke me. I chipped the tea cup while he shattered the kettle. I'm done with forgiveness it has never gotten me further than the bed frame my head lies upon. I think its time i start putting myself first. Starting with these dreadful curtains i never got any say in, or maybe i should repaint either way i need a change, a fresh start perhaps. I change into my favorite red velvet pants suit and slip on the creamy red lipstick from my finest palette. the bruises on my neck aren't a problem for me because I've been hit so many times I've invest in a color correcting makeup palette so that's been a life saver. Today, Regina Mills is a new woman. I walk out the house and get into my car. I drive to the hardware store and find the most gorgeous black lace curtains. "these are beautiful! Just the change i need." Daniel hated black he said it reminded him of darkness... Me on the other hand, I think black is my color. I grab the curtains and walk to the cashier. "That's going to be Seventy Two dollars. Cash or card?" "Cash." I hand her the money and walk out the store. I notice a little yellow bug in the parking lot. "Emma's at the hardware store?" I turn around and proceed to walk into the building when i feel a gut wrenching feeling to just go home. I turn back around and walk back to my car and leave. I kind of resent her for caring so much and i know she hates me right now. Its complicated with me right now and i don't really know how to say all this. I arrive at home and walk over to my horses to give them a little love then through the front door. I start changing my curtains starting with the ones in the kitchen when i see Emma Swan arrive at home with a bag of stuff she must've picked up for work. I watch for a few minutes as she puts her things away and as she turns into the hallway. she didn't see me, she didn't feel me this time. I continue to put up the curtains around the house and realize the curtains fit perfect with the pearly white walls. I watched the clock go by from the kitchen table. Staring for hours drinking a bottle of wine i'm hoping will heal my heart. The anger keeps lingering in a unimaginable way that i cannot explain, i almost want to shut everyone out and explore the depths of my heart. I look out the window at the sunset and see Swan leave the house wearing a Beautiful pink dress and holding a bottle of my favorite wine. secretly i'm hoping she comes over here just so i can make myself even more clearer about being alone just to see how far she will fight to be my friend but she doesn't. she gets in her little yellow bug and drives away. I feel myself grow even more angry and out of emotion i throw my wine glass at the mirror in front of me. it shattered into what seemed like a thousand pieces. I grabbed a broom and cleaned it up for what felt like forever and removed the mirror frame from the wall. I walk upstairs dragging my feet slightly and get ready for bed. 

Around eight pm i hear  car pull up and the sound of two women's laughter. I run downstairs and look out the window to see Emma approach her house with a woman. She's tall and brunette and her style sort of resembled Emma in a way. I watch from the window as Emma grabs the woman by the hand and pulls her into the house. I felt apart of my body tense up and i don't really know why. I mean i had assumed the blonde had a thing for me and i knew i was intentionally feeding into the thing but i never thought she would just move on... especially today. I cant say i blame her though I've pushed her so far away that i wouldn't even fight for me. Wait what am i even doing, why do i care so much its not like i have feelings for the blonde. I sat with my thoughts for a few seconds. "Oh my god... I do have feelings for the blonde." i think that's what this whole thing is about for me. i think i subconsciously knew i was feeling some sort of thing for Emma so in order to fulfill those feeling I destroyed my whole life... and what did it get me? No husband, No Emma, and a mistress mother. I went from Fancying the blonde to damn near hating her. The rage made my blood feel like it was boiling inside of my veins. "Breathe" i walked upstairs and set a bath. After today i need a damn near exorcism. While i'm waiting for the bath i figure i might as well text Emma even though i know she's with someone. "Hey Swan, I have some old curtains that are kind of a hassle... i know we didn't end with a great start earlier but whenever you're free do you think you could help me take them to the dump." I had no intent of her responding today let alone in the next five seconds. "Got it, will be there tomorrow morning." I got into my bath smiling and put on Fleetwood Mac Dreams and sat there. I felt so much Emotion flow from the tips of toes to the whole of my chest. I felt that familiar lump form in my throat and suddenly my tears were mixed in with the bath water. "Who am i? Who is Regina Mills?" I decide to get out and dry my eyes and body. I Throw on a silk blouse and black pants and walk towards the door. "I'm going to find myself." I drive to the center of Storybrooke where i see the clock tower and sit in my car for a few minutes looking at that minute hand tick away. I walk into the building next to it and go up the little elevator into an office i know all too well. "Doctor Hopper." "Oh Regina, long time no see... what brings you here?" "I left Daniel, i don't know who i am anymore." He grabs a notebook and sits down in a grey chair. "Why don't you sit. Now Regina, why do you feel like you don't know who you are anymore?" "I don't know i just have that feeling." "What feeling?" "The feeling of being lost." "What makes you feel lost?" "Jesus Archie i don't know maybe the fact my mother didn't raise me too well, or maybe its the fact I've been under the control of a man half my life, or maybe its because i find myself falling for a woman i know so little about." "Well we've already touched on those other topics so you know my opinion on those two, but tell me about this woman." "There is nothing to tell, she doesn't feel the same." "How would you know." "She brought home a woman today..." "Regina, are you watching this woman." "God no Archie, Shes my neighbor looking out the window is inevitable." "Well Regina, i cant tell you what to do, nor how to feel. the most i can say is do what feels right to you. If that's the woman next door then open yourself up more and maybe you'll find yourself once you break those walls down." "I don't know how." "You start by figuring out why you closed up in the first place." I left Doctor Hoppers with a little more hope than i had before. I got into my car and drove home. Maybe tomorrow i can tell her whats been going through my head. Why i said the things i said and did the things i did. I got ready for bed and laid down thinking about where i would go from here. Truth is I still almost resent Emma I have feeling for her that i can't navigate yet i feel like i hate her so much for her just being here. There is a fine line between love and hate and i have no idea where i stand with the blonde and i have no idea where the blonde stands with me. I'm so afraid of being controlled again that i'm willing to neglect her in the hopes of finding myself. 

Right as i'm about to fall asleep i get a phone call from no one other than my mother. "What is it Cora?" "Oh, i didn't know i was on a first name basis with you Gina." "Mother what is it that you need i was about to go to sleep." "I need you to meet me at the office." "For what?" "To talk." "Isn't that what were doing now? Talking? If you have something to say you could say it here." "No Regina i cant. Come to the office." She hangs up and i get up and get dressed. I drive down to the office and see my mother sitting behind her desk. It feel dark and colder than usual in there but you know maybe its because two evils sleeping together can definitely give off an aura. "what is it mother?" She gets out of her chair and meets me at the door. "I called you over here to inform you about mine and Daniel relationship." "Mother do not act like Ms swan didn't tell me first." "you're right. I told the blonde before you my mistake. I just hope you understand now that he's with me your free of him." "Great tell me something i don't know next time." "Regina, i'm talking about a new man for you. There's this other guy, His name is robin and he's a friend of Daniels that is quite the stunner." "Mother i appreciate the effort but tell this Robin figure, I already have a suitor." "I'm sorry and who might this be." "Well mother, i know you love a good mystery so that is for me to know and you to not find out." "I will not have you ruin this family with a broke man Regina. He better be rich." "Yeah well this family is already broken so i could care less if it ruined. Don't worry about them i'm doing whats best for me. Now I suggest you run home to Daniel... before you know, you get a black eye... Bruises make bad press Mother." I walk out feeling more powerful than ever. Something about this new found anger towards the world makes me say what i really feel. I have no regrets for what just happened infact i'm overfilling with pure rage. I want to bust the damn windows out her car. I walk to my car and get in and make my final drive home for the night. As i get out the car i look over at Emma's house wondering what we could be if i wasn't so damn broken right now. I can tell Emma is in the habit of fixing broken people, but i'm not in the habit of being fixed and i don't know when i'll ever be.