Staying over the water

Chapter 6

This chapter is a bit more depressed and it could include self harm thoughts. Just as a small warning.

POV Peter

The day actually was pretty good but now after the avengers are gone and Tony made me go to bed I'm just kinda empty. I'm lying und my bed with my lights out just in the darkness while hearing some of my favourite songs [Earthmover.  Have a Nice Life - Topic ].
This song is just amazing when I don't want to think or feel anything.  And at the moment it would be just too mich to think about anything. Especially not my feelings or my life.
While listening to this song I just start drawing in my sketching book, which is filled with a huge amount of really dark and creepy sketches. But for me they aren't scary because I drew them and they are kinda my children. This probably sounds weird but I feel emotionally attached to them. Sometimes I even give the names. But whatever, I'm just sketching in my book while listening to this song and let my feelings take over. Far too soon the song ends and I stop drawing. The whole page is filled with faces that are crying, screaming, bleeding, dying, praying and just staring at nothing with a blank look on their face. Between them the space is filled with words that sometimes I myself can't read because I wrote them with eyes closed or way to fast. But what I can read is mostly something like: "I wanna die. Stop. God don't do this. Not fair. I hate live. I hate you. I hate myself. Why ? " And this covered the whole page.
I feel a whole lot better now but still empty. My thoughts are racing and screaming at me about May's death and Ben getting shot being my fault. I don't know what to do or should I say that I know exactly what would help but can't. I just have to get to my knife, then all of these thoughts would stop. It would help clear my head and I wouldn't do any big harm but i promised MJ and Ned not to do it anymore. Last time I did it it escalated and I know that when I start again I won't ever be able to stop.
But i don't really understand what is so bad about it. I don't hurt anybody, except me of course and logically I know it's not healthy but still. It would be the best.
I feel like I'm about to cry but the voice in my head tells me to suck it up.
"Suck it up. Crying is for losers. Don't do it, it won't help anybody."
I take a deep breath in and then release the air again after a couple seconds of holding my breath I repeat this. It's a technique which may showed me when I was younger and too shy to talk in front of people.
I calm down only a little bit but now I can think clear again. I go to my bag where my knife is and lock it away in my drawer.
After I splashed sine water in my face I brush my teeth and go to bed. For sleeping I watch some ASMR videos and soon I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

POV Tony

It was evening and the kid went to bed pretty soon and even though I would love to go to sleep too, I still have to do some work.
I make myself a cup of coffee and tell FRIDAY to start making me another one when this one is almost empty. I take my laptop, my coffee and a bowl of leftovers and sit down on the couch.
First thing I have to do is to call Pepper. She asked me how I was dealing with the situation and after we talk for a while, also about the kid and how he is doing, I ask her when she will be home.
"I'm sorry Tony but I'm not sure when I will return. This conference is about a really big issue and extremely important. But also really complicated so it will probably take at least two more days." "Aww but i miss you. Please come back soon. Peter would also be really happy. " "I try to speed it up a bit. Ok ? Good now I have to go, we still have one more meeting today. Please eat and sleep enough Tony because if not you will regret it " I swallow but also start smirking. "Of course Pepper, you love of my life, I would never do anything like this. How do you get those ideas. "😶 I smile even harder at her face and after a couple minutes we say goodbye and she hangs up.
I have to do some boring and annoying work for SI. God I hate this so much. There was a reason why I let Pepper be the head of SI and not me.
But i have to do it no matter what so I start working. I was half done with my second cup of coffee when I finished my last task and could finally relaxe.
I start the TV and put on Lucifer. It's still weird how Pete got me to watch it but secretly I love it but don't tell the kid. It's a secret. [Spoiler for Lucifer]
After two episodes I go to bed. God I really hate that Charlotte died, this was so unnecessary. I make myself ready for bed and then fall asleep at 12. I think this is the soonest I went to bed in years. Even though Peter really was good for my health and sleeping rytmus in the last two years improved a lot.
I hope tomorrow I can spent some time with Peter because we have to attend May's funeral later this day. Pete will probably hate going there and I can really understand it but he has to do it. The suit I bought for him hangs in the corner of my room and it feels like it's watching me till I finally fall asleep.