Spidey oneshots

update:why I've been gone/vent

This is an explanation to where I've been this past year(if anyone cared all that much), my mental health took a serious decline but nothing was done for me, my sisters abuse is to much some days, my two close, dearly beloved family memebers died, mental declined even further, realizing my mother could never truly love me, I'm never good enough. She's always so annoyed around me. I'm trying but its never enough, I'm not taken seriously by the rest of my family members, I'm known as the anxious spazz who's constantly worried over nothing. I graduated so there's that, I haven't really posted because I have nothing to post besides angst because I make vent chapters. I'm so tired, I just want my mom to smile at me truly, I want my sister to love me, my cousins to care. I'm scared of dying, especially after my two family members passed. I think I'm more scared of what comes after, but my mind keeps going back to it. Would she smile? If she couldn't deal with me? I'm too much sometimes, I'll never make her smile. I can't even let her know she upset me. I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset with her, like if I'm not living by her will then I'm not doing something right. I feel horrible, cause my feelings are genuine, then guilty because she's had it rough and I'm just ungrateful. Then probably apologize later, and never tell her the truth, because if she's upset then I've done something wrong. I feel like I owe her my life, indepted to her. This is stupid, I'm gonna feel bad for saying this later but I'm just so stressed. I just want to sleep forever, it's so tiresome pretending you're okay, while you're family is cracking and falling apart around you. Maybe if I tried harder, but I don't want to. I have so many responsibilities and stresses. If I could runaway, I would. Leave, leave and be free to have my own soul, my own will. She wouldn't care. I could pack my stuff and leave, Right now. It'll be the dead of night soon enough, my sister doesn't take any responsibilities around the house, she can take mine. Maybe she'll see I did all I could, realized I was worth something in the end. That will never happen, until they push me over the edge. Why, my Sister's abuse to me is open to the rest of the family. "They'll sort it out" "just ignore it(come from someone who also suffered abuse)" "overreacting". So much stuff, I just want a solution, because if I do leave. Will I survive? Find the perfect place? Some sort of paradise? I just wish things had been better, maybe my mom could love me. She doesn't, at least I'm not sure if she does, she thinks she does for sure, but no. At least not the way I need her to be there for me, she doesn't care. Only when I'm convenient, easy to care for. What started off as explanation turned vent was very emotional but has turned to just numbness kinda. I just don't want to be by myself again, the silence is horrible and I pretend to have a friend in the TV. Sorry about all this, I just needed to finally get that off my chest. To finally admit that after all these years is freeing, maybe one day I can be free as well. Thanks for reading this if you got this far, maybe people out there can relate. I just don't want to be alone again.

See you.