The Mishaps Of Kusuo Saiki And Various Other Less Important Characters

Dungeons and Dragons

But there's a twist; I don't actually know anything about Dungeons and Dragons. I have played it once or twice but I'm more fond of Magic the Gathering, just because it has more structure. I have been playing MTG for much longer anyway. I should get to the point. If anything happens that doesn't make sense with the way the game is played, just pretend I did it right. This story is from a third person perspective, or more accurately from the perspective of our dungeon master, Shun Kaidou, which technically makes it first person omniscient. Anyway, enjoy the story. 

...

"We've been walking for so long and nothing showed up. Why don't we just turn back?" Aren complained, lugging his heavy hammer down the trail.

"Maybe you're just tired cause you're short." Nendou laughed. "Being a dwarf must suck."

"Don't laugh or I'll put this hammer where the sun can't shine, lowly orc."

Imagine how Kaidou feels, then.

[I decide your fate so DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HEIGHT.]

Fine then, o great master with a mighty, intimidating height of five feet and two inches.

[Saiki gets bombarded by goblins and dies.]

With a quick flash, the half-elf hurled acid toward all of the goblins surrounding him, killing them mercilessly and moving on with his business.

[How does it always end up your way?]

The dice speak.

Anyway, the three continued to progress on the trail under the canopy of trees above them. They could just barely see the sky, which slowly faded from a bright, lively blue to a dull grey as they went. Leaves crunched under their feet. They moved slowly, having walked for several hours now with no clue as to where they were actually going. The group had previously been kicked out of the inn from the nearest village for "causing a ruckus," so they all thought they were trying to find a new one to stay in. Everyone was exhausted, to say the least. They were all slumped over, dragging their feet with fatigue.

Saiki suddenly stopped and perked up, looking around.

Do you guys hear that?

"Hear what?" Nendou started looking around too, but he wasn't looking for anything, so he wasn't really helping.

We're not alone. Nendou laughed again with his obnoxious, unpleasant, earsplitting, gravelly laugh.

"You didn't have to use that many words to describe how I laugh. But there's no way we're being followed, why would anybody follow us-"

I didn't say anyone was following us, I said we're not alone.

"Oh, well Aren's gone, so technically we are alone."

WHAT?

"LET GO OF ME OR I'LL POUND YOUR HEADS IN-" Aren was being noisily dragged into the bushes by a group of bandits, thrashing his hammer wildly. 

Why are there so many low-level enemies here?

[Would you rather have to face a chimera or a swarm of flying venomous snakes? Because I can arrange that.]

Yes. Flying snakes aren't high levels either.

[Whatever, just stop complaining.]

"STOP ARGUING AND HELP ME."

"Use your hammer, obviously." Nendou rolled his eyes.

"THIS IS A TEAMWORK GAME, YOU MORON."

"Fine." Nendou took out his javelin and started beating the bandit with the wrong end.

Good grief, Nendou. That's not how you use that.

"Well I beat it, didn't I?"

He didn't beat it. Now both Aren and Nendou were tied up, surrounded by five or six bandits.

Is it five or six?

Stop interrupting, it's six just for that. Saiki was left dumbfounded, standing before this group. The two good fighters were caught due to their low levels and stupidity, so now it was all up to him.

"You gonna do anything about it, little wizard punk?" one of the bandits sneered. Saiki put his hands up, submitting to the group.

"What? Why'd you do that?" Aren asked, looking at Saiki as he was being tied up without struggle.

It's more interesting than looking for a hotel and walking for hours.

Soon they were all tossed into a smelly, dark dungeon. The air was humid and the sounds of the bandits celebrating their catch echoed and bounced off the walls. They were all robbed of their belongings, left with only their weapons and clothes. After the bandits left, it was silent, with only the repetitive sound of water dripping from the ceiling. The silence was broken after a while by the sound of Nendou chewing on something.

"What are you eating?" Aren looked repulsed as he saw what was in Nendou's hand.

"A mushroom. I was hungry."

"Where did you get that?!"

"The forest we were just in. Duh."

"Nendou, listen to me. Isn't it common sense, even in the real world, NOT TO EAT RANDOM MUSHROOMS YOU FIND?"

"I said I was hungry, chill out." Nendou finished the mushroom. "I feel funny."

Of course you do, you just ate a mushroom that could be poisonous, or even magic.

They were all silenced by the sound of something.. squishing. The sound came closer and closer. The vague idea of what could be producing the sound was in their heads, making them all hope they were wrong. It wasn't long before the source came into view..

"What is that? Looks gross," Nendou said. Forget what I said, only the other two knew what it was.

A huge gelatinous cube, nearly twice the size of the whole group combined, slowly making its way toward them. It left a trail of slime behind it. They could just barely make out the sight of the remains of the cube's victims stuck inside of the jiggly creature.

Is it coffee flavored?

[What kind of question is that?! It's a jelly cube of death, it's an enemy, a monster you should fear! It's got bones floating around in it!]

But is it edible?

[NO!!!]

Lame.

[Fine, it's edible. Try eating it and see what happens.]

I'm good.

"We don't have weapons suitable for this thing, and we're all tied up.. so our best option is to scoot!" Aren started shuffling away from the cube, almost resembling a worm.

You look stupid.

"WOULD YOU RATHER DIE?" At that, Saiki started scooting with him. Nendou stayed put, the cube only inches away from him.

"NENDOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOVE YOUR BUTT!"

"Huh?" Before he could react, the cube swallowed up Nendou, leaving the other two speechless..