Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

Movie Night.

I walk out of the back door ready to go run. My mother left for work about two hours ago and now everybody is done practicing for sports on the field. I have my water, my phone, and my inhaler. It's kind of ironic that I crave running but I can't breath properly. I jog to the school track and set my things down by the bleachers.

Nobody is out here today, sometimes there's a man that practices meditation in the stands. I begin jogging, four laps is a mile. I don't have to worry about burning calories but I've decided to keep running until I can't anymore.

As I run I feel throw up in my throat, ready to come out. My acid levels are too high and it burns my throat but I keep running. One lap, two laps then break. Repeat. My mind wanders as I continue running, phone in hand to track my calories burnt. We've never have enough money to buy those fancy watches that track your steps so I just downloaded an app. Sure it may not be nearly as accurate but it works.

I'll have to eat tomorrow because it's my mom's first day off, so she usually spends the day with me. We usually go get fast food because she needs a break from cooking. To be honest it's probably the worst day of the week for me even though I love spending time with my mom. I never know what I'll have to decide on eating, and I won't be able to throw it up either. We have thin walls to where you can hear somebody gagging to throw up. It's annoying.

I finish running when I finally end up puking on the side of the track. I've done enough today. The puke is clear which gives me some form of satisfaction, knowing there is not a single thing in my system to throw up. I feel shaky and jittery as I go to grab my stuff. I check my phone, looking at the calories burned. Only three hundred and seven. I feel disappointed to be honest.

You fat bitch, you can't burn nearly enough.

I sigh and begin my walk back home. The sun has set and the streetlights light my way to the house. My legs tremble from all of the work but I couldn't care less. I'm on the high of knowing I burned at least a little off. "Of what?" you may ask and the truthful answer is I have no idea. I feel like at the beginning there was a clear cut answer, to get skinny, but now it's not even that anymore. Its a desire for something that I have no idea what it is. The voice will always tell me what to do, so being entirely honest I don't ever have to remember. Some days the voice feels like a part of me but other days it just seems like somebody's yelling at me through my mind.

When I'm home I feel far too tired to take a shower so I decide to take one in the morning. I chug what's left of my water then throw the bottle in my chair, along with my inhaler. I feel the beads of sweat dripping down my back and ignore it. While I'm entirely aware that it's disgusting, I really am exhausted. I flop down on my bed, allowing my legs to finally collapse. I feel quite cold. I look up and check if the fan is on or not. It isn't. I pull blankets over myself in an attempt to keep warm and stare at the non-moving fan.

At some point I fell asleep last night but I don't really remember when. Zion asked me if I was okay today, I guess I must have looked like shit. Of course I said I was fine, and went on with my day. I didn't even take a shower in the morning, but I brushed my teeth so I could ignore my cravings. Now I'm walking home from school dreading eating.

When I walk inside my mom is blasting rock music through the house, cooking. This rarely happens when she gets off. I walk to the kitchen, dropping my backpack on the couch.

"Oh hey hon, I'm making some pasta, it will be another twenty minutes until I'm done cooking. Go shower, let's do a movie night."

At the word pasta my life seemed to melt away, it's one of the most calorie loaded foods ever. "Okay," I said and walked out of the kitchen in a smaller version of shock.

I walk to my room down the hall and find pajamas to wear after my shower.

Movie night means candy, calories and doing nothing to burn it. What am I going to do? How will I burn everything off. The pasta alone is at least twelve laps around the track. Fuck!

I take a deep breath so I won't spiral into another panic attack. My face already started feeling tingly. I grabbed some baggy pajamas from my draw and went to the bathroom.

In the mirror I examined my naked body. Every single part of me seems like it doesn't belong there. My stomach seems so much larger than the last time I saw myself.

That doesn't make sense!

I turn to the side and check if it's true, if I really did get bigger. It's true. My stomach bulges out, with a dip in the middle from my slouching. It makes me feel a bit sick.

I pull the scale out of the cabinet below the sink. I test my weight. Last time it was one twenty seven.

When I see the number hasn't changed, misery washes over me. I want to kick the scale, it's lying to me! Instead I put it back up and turn on the shower. I feel disappointed in myself, I feel like I could have done more. I could be skinnier.

I shower in my disappointment, getting as clean as I can. I dress in my tank top and blue fuzzy pants. My feet are cold so I head back to my room to get fuzzy socks.

I walk out of my room to the delicious smell of my mom's cooking. Holy moly I always forget how good things smell.

It wouldn't hurt if you just ate one meal, would it?

I hurriedly grab a plate of food, it's a whole mountain of chicken Alfredo. I grab a fork and sit with my mom on the couch, shoving my mouth full of delicious food.

"Were going to watch the fault in our stars, I haven't seen it I ages."

I laugh ever so slightly at mom mom's teenager brain. I nod and agree that I a good choice.

We watch the movie, eating and end up crying towards the end. We had tissues though, so it was all good. With a yawn I declared I am going to sleep and went to lay down in bed. I feel a bit less cold and my headache is gone, but my hunger is magnified. I ignore it and fall asleep.