Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

Your so thin...

I stumble through the front door, skin burning, bag in hand. I'm surprised the bag didn't melt from the heat. I walk to my room, and toss the bag on my bed, everything in my room is all over the place. Its crazy how messy it is sometimes. I don't feel like cleaning it. I pull the package of pills from the bag and shove them at the bottom of a drawer in my dresser full of random things like Chapstick, notebooks and forever lost socks.

I walk out of my room into the bathroom. It's funny how every single mother fucking time I enter this room I exit feeling so disappointed. I run the shower water, and turn on the fan. The mirror reflects something that's not me. I look and I see bone. My shoulders poke out all pointy, so pointy I think my skin might tear. I tear off the shirt and finally see what I really look like. I see my stomach, still the same bulging mess, same as always, same as always. I feel the tightening of my throat, and the burning in my eyes. I cry too much.

I pull down my pants, revealing my meaty legs, so thick you might think I was obese. Finally I look up at my face. My eyes are red, my dead hair stings fly away from the bun I have made. The bun is so small because of my thin hair and I am suddenly scared to take my hair out of its place. I untangle the rubber band from my hair, relieving my scalp, and my hair falls down. Chunks of hair cling to the hair-tie and multiple chunks are barely clinging onto my head. I run my hand trough my brittle hair, more falls to the floor. I feel... shocked, maybe? No, I knew this was coming, I knew what I am doing would do this to me. Why am I so... I don't even have words to describe this emotion. It is a mixture of me knowing I am headed in the direction I want to be but I feel more regret. I want the hair back on my head. Why is it falling?

In the mirror, I see my scalp showing through, my hair no longer covers all of my head. On the floor the long brown strands lay there, untouched. I pull out the scale, I know I weigh more. I have to, logically I wont weigh the same. I set my feet on the scale. It's a bit funny that every time I set foot on this worth weigher I feel heavy. I look at the digital number, there, set in stone it feels. 96. God, why? Why does my body do this? I hate myself. I really do. I wish I was different. I want a new face, a new body, a new me!

This body isn't mine, its somebody else's. I don't look like this. I am not this cumbersome. I'm not this odd. I'm not this. This is not me. It never will be.

The mirror fills with fog, no more me. I am just a blur, I wish I always would look like this. I wish I could stay blurry forever. I want to be different. The blur makes me look bigger though, I self consciously twist myself to make me look thinner, but it's no use. I'll never look different. I'll always be big. My stomach churns, this time not with nausea, or my panic, but by what I'm pretty sure are the laxatives at work.

I feel lighter after that. The bathroom is all foggy from the still running shower, but I see the scale. I want to test how well it works. I step onto the glass scale and it reads 95. Well that wasn't great but it wasn't to horrible I guess. I feel a bit better, but the overwhelming weight of guilt weighs me down still. I finally get into the shower and wash off the icky sweat from walking.

I hear my phone ring as I get out of the shower, towel wrapped around my body. I open the door and waddle down the hall to my room. I answer my ringing phone, it says my boss is calling.

"Ivy, why are you not at work, you didn't call in did you?"

I panic a bit, "No sir, oh god. I uh..." I have to think of a viable excuse, "I threw up this morning and I've felt a bit sick all day, I think I may have gotten heat sick."

"Well thats not a reason for you to not call in, next time if you don't call in you are fired. you understand," He asks me, clearly frustrated for my irresponsibility.

"Yes sir, there will be no next time I assure you," I say and not a second later he hangs up. My face flushes red with embarrassment. Wow, that was a horrid mistake. I turn to walk back out to the bathroom, with my towel wrapped tightly around me.

My mom is in the hallway, eyes wide and teary. "Ivy... your so thin," She says breathlessly in awe.

((I'm aware this chapter is short but I figured this cliffhanger is well worth it))