Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

Workouts are fetal

Months passed by all the same. My illness didn't get any better and I still look fat. My mom grew more distant as she got more and more jobs to help with the rising prices of taxes. I found a job at Dairy Queen and I've been working there a bit. I give my free ice cream to Zion so he enjoys my job more than I probably do.

Today is the first day of summer break. I feel like shit all day every day but finally I'll be able to get more rest and not have to wake up at six in the morning almost every day. My mom's jobs are driving her crazy and she only has eight hours off of work, which she uses to sleep.

I head to the park to go jogging and to enjoy outdoors. I have my phone stuck into my pocket and my water bottle in hand. I forgot to grab my inhaler but I don't think it will be that big of a deal.

I worry about my mom catching on often now, I feel sicker and I've started to pass out about once a week now. When I wake up I just regroup and because my mom isn't home it's not much of a problem.

I connect my headphones to my phone and start blasting music. I feel a bit euphoric at the beginning of my run. It's sunrise and it just feels like I'm in another world. My legs start to tire and weigh me down. I feel the morning breeze which is the only thing keeping me grounded into the world.

After running for like thirty minutes I start to lose my breath and my vision starts to blacken. I quickly try to stop and sit, all I manage to do is stop running. I feel myself fall down to the ground. My organs seem to lift up and then I feel noting.

I regain consciousness laying on a bench, Marco is standing by me with a bottle of water. I jump up from my uncomfortable laying position, startled to be here. I'm still in the park though.

"Chill, it just me, you good?" He questions, handing me the water bottle.

I nodd, hesitantly grabbing the cold bottle, "I just didnt drink enough water I guess." I try and make my words feel light but they just end up sounding dull. He gives me a weird look so I flash him the best reassuring smile I can. I still feel a bit out of it, but I'm sure I can fake it 'till I make it.

"I was going for a jog, but what are you doing here?" I ask, trying to divert the attention off of me.

"Oh I am just doing summer endurance training. I just ran by you on the ground and worried, so I carried you here. By the way I put your earbuds in your pocket. You sure your okay?" He asks again, clearly worried.

I lie yet again, "Yup, I'm definately sure, I just need to remember to hydrate more." It feels like all I'm good for is lying nowadays.

"Okay, well I need to get back to running, I hope you aren't lying to me," he jokes, waving goodbye.

I sigh as he jogs off. I feel horrible for lying so often. What my mom tells me haunts my thoughts. She always says to never lie because one day the lies will catch up to you. I hope that it's not true. I get up, feeling wobbly at first and having to sit again so my vision doesn't go dark again. I wonder if I should still jog.

It's been two years of this and you're still fat, of course you need to jog.

I get up again, this time my vision doesn't falter and walk for two minutes then begin to run. My watterbottle was left on the bench so I'll just come back to get it later. I jog and jog until I make two laps around the entire three mile park trail. I'm now back at the bench, I grab my waterbottle that I'm thankful wasn't stolen.

I walk home and now it's pretty hot outside. I pull my phone from my pocket and check the time. Wow, it's seven thirty three already. I legit left at five thirty. I walk through the back door of my house I'm all sweaty. My mom will be in her room asleep until she wakes up to start her next shift. I'm thankful I don't work until tomorrow.

In my room I grab some comfortable baggy clothes and go take a shower. I turn on the shower right away and strip myself of my clothes. I wrap my pointer finger and thumb over my wrist and see the room left there. Not much. I repeat the process with all of my fingers, then on the other wrist.

I feel embarrassed as I look in the mirror that's gradually growing foggy from shower steam. My stomach is humongous, acne now spreads all over my face and my hair is thin and ugly. I feel like crying. I pull out the scale and weigh myself. I weigh one hundred and two, but I feel so fucking big. I hop in the shower as soon as tears start to fall from my eyes. I hope they wash away.

I think about how ugly I look and how girly I look. I don't want to be a girl anymore. People call me by they/them pronouns, but the truth is I'll always look like a girl. I'll always have boobs. I'll always be fat.

Tears stream down my face and I lift my face I look at my fat fingers that are so disappointing. I feel my collarbone that barely pokes out, making me feel more empty. Tears don't stop comming as I let them mix with the hot shower water. My heart tightens and I stifle a sob.

In defeat I lean over the bathtub and let the warm water run over my body, it hardly gives me warmth. Eventually I turn off the water and crawl out. I didn't even wash myself I just sat there.

As I step over the bath my knee pops making me yelp in pain. I fall to the wet ground. I struggle to pull myself up from my awkward laying position. Eventually I pull myself up, using the toilet as leverage.

A knock on the door, "Ivy, are you good hun?"

I can feel her leaning against the door, "Yah, just stubbed my toe!"

It feels like all I do is lie.

"Alright then," She says through the door, then her footsteps leave and the door to her bedroom closes. More tears fell from my eyes and I clutch my knee. This is the first time this has ever happened to me.

I struggle to get up and into my clothes. Then I limp down the hall to my room.

I must have been really tired because now I'm awake and it's clearly daytime. Sun shines through my closed curtains, letting it be known that the sun cannot be shielded. I groan, my headache has only gotten worse.

I crawl out of bed, throwing the covers to the other side. My knee dully hurts and I feel sudden nausea. I rush to the bathroom, quickly leaning over the toilet. I dry heave into the toilet, not throwing up anything. My eyes water and my limbs start to shake. I feel horrible. I pull up from over the toilet and go to the sink. My skin is pale in the mirror and my lips are dull red and chapped. I wont bother with Chapstick because I know that it wont work.

I walk back to my room, shivering. Its all so cold. I immediately pull a blanket over myself and bundle up in my chair. I check my wrist again.

First, middle and thumb...good. next, pointer and thumb...

My middle finger and thumb have a gap between them, but it still isn't big enough. I try and submerge the disappointment, but I can't.

God damnit, why are you so fucking fat!? Huh? AWNSER ME! It's just because your lazy, RIGHT? Your always going to be fat at this rate.

My lip trembles in anger. Frustrated I decide to work out. I lay on the floor, trying to remember my routine. It takes a moment, but finally I remember.

first, crunches, then russian twist, next scissor kicks...

I repeat it all in routine. My body aches the more I go, but I keep going. I feel the aching and use it as motivation to continue. Sweat beads trickle down my skin, yet I still feel cold. I finish with side planks and I sit back up. I still don't feel satisfied. I stand up to get dressed to go run, but immediately regret that decision. When I stand up it all goes black and numb.

I wake up and the back of my head aches horribly. My vision is all blurry, but the lights on the ceiling aren't the ones from my house.