Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

I'm ready

I came back to somewhat consciousness in the back of an ambulance. My body was stuck into place and my brain was foggy. Every light in the ambulance seemed to shine ten times brighter than any light I have seen before. I managed to find my mom's face, I tried to look her in the eye, but I couldn't. My eyes were stuck in place. My mom stood above me, whispering, "You're going to be okay," over an over again. I fell back into unconsciousness a minute later.

I finally woke up in a hospital bed. Things were hooked up to me and my mom was nowhere to be found. My stomach hurt extremely bad. I need to pee. I tried to sit up, but when I pulled my arms up, they were stuck at the wrist. I am shackled to the bed. I need these off! I thrash around, trying to get them off, I need them off. Panic is bursting out of me as I struggle and they don't budge. I scream.
"GET THESE OFF OF ME!" I cry. "PLEASE!"

A moment later footsteps are running down the hospital hallway, and my door is opened quickly. "yah. she's awake. Go get her mom," one nurse says and quickly comes towards me. "Hey Ivy, it's okay, I know this is scary but you're safe, just relax."

The nurse is pulling a light out of her pocket. "Why am I tied up?"

"well, you tried to... die, and you were rushed here, we didn't know how you would react, so we had to restrain you."

"Where's my mom?"

"She went to go get food, she'll be here any moment." She shines the light in my eyes, and I flinch because there were no warnings. She nods and puts the light back into her scrub pocket. "All good."

My mom enters the room, holding a bag of panda express. Oh god.

Everything comes back to me, not in a rush, but I remember, slowly what I've done.

"Miss. Clay, would you like to discuss with Ivy what's going to happen from here?"

My mom walks to my bed and sets the bag of fat smelling food on the bedside table. "Yah," She says as she sits on my bed, making a dent. I don't even sink into the hospital bed. Wow.

"what do you mean "what's going to happen" what the hell?"

"Ivy, I know this is a bit of a confusing moment, but I need you to calm down, okay?"

My mom grabs my hand and holds it tightly from where it's tied down to the bed. She gives me a look of desperation, she needs me to be calm too."

I take a deep breath to slow the panic in my stomach, "Okay."

"Okay, so right now I am going to fill you in on the procedures we have to take. You attempted suicide, so you will have to be admitted to a hospital for a minimum of a week. Your being underweight and malnourished, requires us to take a screening for anorexia, when we're done, you will have a diagnosis."

I listen and feel speechless. There's nothing wrong with me. How could I have anorexia, I am just obsessed with being healthy, that's not a problem. I feel a chuckle escape my mouth. "There's no way I'm anorexic, I just want to be healthy!"

"Right, well we have to screen you, so if you would please answer all of these questions honestly."

She hands me a paper with many blanks and places to check. "Okay." I shrug my shoulders.

"Take all the time you need."

I look up at the nurse, and then at my mom. My mom is practically clinging to my hand, "Uh, how am I supposed to check these if I am restrained" I ask.

The nurse jumps, "Oh yea! Sorry about that." She comes over to my bed and unravels both of my hands. "alright, the doctor will be in later to check your sheet."

I nod, and the nurse leaves the room. Once she leaves I glance at my mom. She is looking at the sheets I hold in my hands.

I pull the clipboard closer and grab a pen from the table near my bed to answer the questions.

"Ivy," My mom looks at me, "Please be honest," she says. Her eyes are desperate.

So I went through all the questions. Most of them were just like on a scale of 1-4, so I just checked how often I felt like that. I looked back up at my mom when I was done, and set the clipboard down.

"can I have a hug," I ask sheepishly. I don't deserve one after what I've put her through in them matter of minuets. She nods, and leans over onto the bed and wraps me in a tight hug. I feel tears rise to my eyes and fall out, I feel so bad. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Ivy, I'm sorry I didn't notice and help." She says with a sigh and I can hear her sobbing silently.

"I love you so much mom."

"I love you too, I'm glad we're figuring this out."

There was a moment of silence, still wrapped in a mother-daughter hug.

"I could never lose you, you know that?"

I manage a weak mm-mhm. I curl up into my mom as much as I can with my feet still shackled to the bed.

The doctor walks in after a couple of minuets of my mom holding me in her arms. I pull away.

He smiles, I think about how horrible I look. In the ambulance I was butt-naked and now im puffy-eyed.

"Do you have the papers filled out," the doctor asks while pulling up a rollie chair from the corner of the room.

"Yup," I answer and hand him the clipboard with the papers attached.

"Thank you," He says as I hand them to him.

I watch him intently as he goes over the papers to determine the result. He checks and circles with his ballpoint pen and flips the pages. I feel anxious awaiting the answer, knowing full well what it means for me.

After a moment, he looks at me, "Ivy, your results are positive for anorexia."

I hear what he says, but it doesn't settle. I feel it in my body, but I don't want to admit I've done something wrong. Oh god. I knew it a long time ago, but hearing it, and forcing myself to understand, is something way different than knowing something is off.

My mom drops her head into her hands. "Okay," She says muffled through her hands, before taking a deep breath and looking back up, "Are you ready Ivy?"

I nod, even though I'm not, but at the same time, I know I'll never be. "I'm ready."