Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

Desperation

I woke up this morning and immediately started planning how to hide that I'm not taking my pills. I decide on getting a plastic bag and adding one to the bag every day, stashing the bag in a suitcase in the back of my closet and then later on I will burry them when the bottle is gone.

Good job! Now just think how much better you will be, how skinny you will be! Look at yourself now! I think if you find a way out of Tuesday dinner you can look a bit less fat.

I feel a bit proud of myself for having control over how I look, I feel like I'm stronger than anybody else, I can do it. All of those fat girls in the halls at school could never. I feel the horrible mean thoughts creep into my mind as I put on clothes to go for a run. Last night was a close call but it won't happen again. Nobody can find out my dirty little secrete.

I pull up my long hair into a bun, grab my headphones and water bottle and leave my room. It's five in the morning, nice and cool for summertime. What I didn't expect was for my mom to be in the kitchen.

"Ivy, is that you?"

"Uh, yah...?" I say hesitantly as I creep down the hall. I round the corner towards the kitchen, catching a whiff of my mom's amazing bacon-egg-cheese-veggie breakfast tacos. My mouth waters and I feel a sharp hunger pain twist my stomach.

It won't hurt if you just eat today, then go back to not eating again right? Yah, thats what we'll do, eat one meal and maybe one snack today, then tomorrow we'll start not eat anything until Tuesday. That gives us three day in-between today and then, you will be able to make up for it. It wont be that bad...

"Do you want some hun?"

Those words are so tempting, it really won't hurt to just eat one meal, it won't be too bad. I'll do good the next couple of days. I feel my hunger spread through my body, it feels so emptying.

"Yah!" I answer, like I didn't just make an entire plan on how to make up for eating one small thing. I sit myself down on one of the barstools for the kitchen island. She turns and hands me a plate of the best smelling food known to mankind.

"Ca--" I am immediately cut off by my mom who knows me so well, she sets the hot sauce down right in front of me with a smile. I smile back at her with a light laugh, "Neverminded then, you know me so well."

I load the hot sauce onto the two breakfast tacos she's given me. The smell of the hot sauce burns my nose and makes my eyes water, but it makes my mouth water more than anything.

I shove the taco into my mouth, its so delicious. I sigh of releif, I forgot how good it feels to eat. How delicious the tastes are, the hot tingle on my tongue from the spice.

I finish off my second taco in a matter of minutes, it feels so good to finally eat again. I grab a paper towel and wipe my face off and go to throw away my now empty plate.

I grabbed my phone from its place in my pocket and check the time. I have work in an hour soI decide to go back to my room because I don't want to run after eating, it's a really bad idea. I flop down onto my bed, feeling the most full I have in a while. It feels nice, it feels like I'm magically healed of the nausea, the dizziness, the headaches and the pain.

Why would you eat that? You had total control and you could have just refused and went on your run. God you have no self control. What a disgrace.

My stomach churns, this time not by nausea, but by anxiety and panic. I don't know how many calories are in those tacos. I don't know how bad I'll look after I had that food.

I feel a surge of desperation to get it out. I can't purge, not here. I run out the front door, my mom probably thinks I'm going on a run anyways. I run across the neighborhood to the small wooded area. I don't care if I get bit by a snake at this point, I just want the food out.

I lean over close to a tree where I'm quite sure nobody can see me and shove two of my fingers down my throat. I gag a couple of times and nothing comes up, my eyes water. Finally a couple of seconds later I throw up a small ammount. Vomit covers my hand but I shove it back into my mouth, it wasn't enough. I taste the sour vomit and it makes me gag more. Chuncks come flying out and I repeat the process many more times. My nose burns from vomit that has come up the wrong way, the hot sauce makes it burn so insanely bad. I continue until no more comes up.

I sit on the mossy ground, avoiding the giant pile of throw-up next to me. it stinks, and now tears stream lightly down my face. I feel so awful, like I have gotten rid of it but I know that it hasn't all been taken away. I know I can't get rid of it. Unless....

I wipe my mouth and get up. I remember I left my phone on my bed where I had tossed it when I laid down. I walk out of the woods calmly. I walk to the side of my house where the window to my room was. I carefully lift off the bug screen and then the window, I crawl through the semi-small window.

I land in my room, planting my feet slowly and carefully on the floor, hoping to not make noise. I tip toe to my backpack purse thing and grab my wallet. I snatch my phone off my bed and climb back out the window. I carefully closed the window and reattached the screen.

Finally I walk down the neighborhood street toward where the Walmart is, it's about a ten minuets walk but who cares. The summer heat begins to rise making me feel sick but I continue waking all the way to the store. Twenty bucks should be enough... I hope. As I walk I look up he calories in the tacos, and it doesn't feel accurate. I need the specifics. Right now off the bat I could guess eight hundred.

It's about a mile walk. Same distance to school. I reach the Walmart and walk in heading straight to the pharmacy side. My breath probably smells like vomit and I probably look like i just got ran over by a bus, but whatever.

I found the isle with the laxitives. I dont know which ones work the best but i grabed one that said extra strenth, i want this food out of my system one way or another.

I go to a self check out and make sure to grab a water at the checkout. My throat is scratchy and dry, I feel like I am going to die. My mind is fuzzy as I walk down the street in the now blazing heat.

The plastic Walmart bag crumbles in my hand as I grab the laxitive. I rip open the cardboard packaging and take one pill from its aluminum-plastic slot like all the others. I throw it in my mouth, tasting the medicine and then I throw the rest back into the bag and pull out the water. I down the small pill with the water that barely soothes my dry throat.

My skin burns when I get to an intersection and my eyes are sore from squinting. I wait for the light to turn white so I can cross, but it's hard to tell in the extreme light. I can slightly tell when the white appears and I walk across the intersection.

The whole way home my skin was burning from the sun rays. I look at my phone and check my steps and calories burned. 174, that's not enough. I ate too much. I'm desprate in my attempt to undo my 'mistake'.