Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

YOU'RE SICK

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING HERE, SCROLL THE BOTTOM TO SEE WHAT FOR!⚠️

Tears reached my mother's eyes, then quickly fell down her face as she looked at her child's almost gone body. "Ivy, what--" Her sentence is caught off by a low sob. A lump forms in my throat and water rises to my eyes, I can't see her cry. I feel more awful than I have in even my sickest times, more awful than when I eat, nothing can compare. She walks slowly towards me, somewhat in disbelief. She wraps me into a hug, which I notice isn't for the comfort, it's to gauge how much she has lost of her child. The second she wraps around me another sob breaks out of her. "Ivy. This isn't you, how? What's going on?"

She breaks out of the hug and holds me by the shoulders, attempting to look me in the eyes, but my head is hung low. Her hands rub against my shoulder. I won't look her in the eye, I can't see her hurt. I don't want to face what I've done.

"What do you mean?" I ask her, trying to trick her mind, "This is how I always am..." I hold my head low still so it probably isn't a convincing argument, but it's worth a try.

"Ivy, I know you, this is not what you look like, this is... unhealthy."

Like something comes over her, she suddenly grabs my wrist and tugs me into the bathroom. I hear the distinct sound of the scale being pulled out of the cabinet below the sink. "Stand here, now." She demands me. I now quickly raise my face, staring at her in the face.

"No. Nothing's wrong, what's gotten into you," I ask her.

This can't end here. I can't go to the fat place, I don't want to fail.

"Do. It. Now." She says, much more stern in her words, deceptive of what her face shows. She's sad and scared.

I wish I was wearing more than a towel, if I was, I would have ran, but it's hopeless in this old bath towel. I step onto the scale as my mom pulls her phone from her pocket, I have no idea what she is doing. She glances at the number there and gasps. I look, still the same result as always, FAT. In the bathroom where I feel like it all began.

"14.4" My mother whimpers out. More guilt washes over me, I have a pretty good idea what that number means.

"Have you not been eating? Have you been lying to me!" She screams in anger.

"No! I'm fine, you need to believe me mom!"

"Well I don't fucking believe you alright!" She screams at me, tears are falling down both of our faces now.

"Tell me how you do it! How the fucking hell could you do this? I make good meals for you! Do you not eat them?" She asks me so many questions. My head hurts.

"I-," I cut myself off, I don't feel like I can even make up another lie. I've failed.

"You throw it away don't you?" She questions.

Bullseye! She's won the jackpot ladies and gentlemen.

I look down at my feet. God I wish I could get dressed. She took my looking down as a sign, and stormed out of the bathroom. Startled, I looked up and tried to chase after her.

"Mom, no, I told you I'm fine, it's just-- I've been feeling sick an-and I've probably just been working out too much, I promise, nothing like that happened. I'm not that selfish, I mean, who wastes food when there are people starving," I bluff. She doesn't listen, she pulls the trashcan out of it's place and dumps it all onto the ground. Sure enough, the paper plates full of food come toppling out.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" She screams bloody murder. "WHY!"

"I DON'T OWE YOU A GOD DAMNED REASON!" I yell at her. She gets mad now, but to be honest I don't think she is authentically mad, I think she is grieving.

She storms to my room, "I'm packing your bags, you're sick!"

My mind scrambles with that exact sentence, I know what this means.

"NO I'M FUCKING NOT!" I try and run after her again but she is already pulling clothes from my closet and shoving them into one of my old backpack.

"YOU'RE SICK IVY!" She screams when I try and grab the bag from her. This can't be happening. It's not happening, it can't be.

I lunge at my backpack. I grab it and try and shake out all of the clothes that my mom has messily packed. My moms firm hand comes towards my face. She slaps me, right square on my cheek. There was no loud sound though, only a dull smacking sound, there was no fat there.

"Don't you ever do that to me. I'm going to get you help!" She picks up the clothes and shoves them into the bag, not in any order, just what she thinks I'll need.

"Ivy, you need to put on some clothes." She says to me, I still feel the shock from her slap though. She's never hit me. Why now? Am I really this bad? What did I do?

Hot tears rise to my eyes, I feel them and try and hold them back, but I can't. When they break free from my eyes, I collapse. This is too much.

God, you stupid fuck, you got caught. In your stupid little game, didn't you. I thought you were in "control", yah right you pig. You're going to be even fatter. Just think. You'll have meaty thighs, nobody will love you. Not even you mother. They'll all leave you, even your friends. You didn't think they actually liked you, did you? They don't. They're just superficial, they just want you for your body. As soon as you get fat they'll all leave. EVERYONE WILL LEAVE YOU. NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU!

I curl my knees up to my chest and sob. I'm tired of these thoughts. I'm so tired. I don't deserve to live, not anymore. I sob into my knees, my towel is falling off but I don't even care anymore. Suddenly I feel a desperation. I shoot up from my place on the ground and run into the bathroom. I quicky lock the door behind me. Seconds later my mom pounds her fist on the door.

"IVY, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! IVY!"

"FUCK YOU!" I scream at the top of my lungs, "IM FUCKING DONE! GOODBYE!" I rummage through the medicine cabinet and find my mom's sleeping pills.

"IM CALLING THE COPS!" My mom yells, but I don't give a shit anymore.

I. Am. Done.

I empty the bottle out on my hands, some falling to the floor. I shove about seventeen into my mouth, they are small tablets. I turn the tap on and tun the water into my mouth. I gulp them down.

I begin to chuckle. "BYE-BYE, FUCKING STUUPIDD WORLLD! YOU HEAR ME, STU-PID!"

I slump down onto the floor, it's uncomfortable, but who gives a damn. My mom is still pounding at the door, screaming for me to get out.

A feeling of anxiety settles in my stomach now. I'm scared. It crawls at my insides and spreads into my body, making me realize, I don't want to die.

fuck, fuck, fuck, I don't want to die! I don't want to die. "MOM, MOM! I don't want to die! Mom I fucked up! Help, I don't want to die!" I quickly pull myself up off the floor, I feel dizzy but I'm focused on unlocking the door. I hear nearing sirens as I turn the lock, and I hear my mother sobbing, she's trying to help me. The second the door unlocks my mom comes rushing in. I'm naked and scared of dying.

It feels like the beginning almost. I giggle. What a silly little thing.

The dizziness feeling rushes over me quickly now and the world spins, and my head pounds with pain. My body starts to twitch, it's not my doing. my eyes roll back into my head and then everything is gone.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING IS FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPT⚠️