The replies to your letters

you'll know when u read

Well, I never imagined you would be this good at noticing things. My face blooms a smile when ever I see you. I have finally returned and then gone again. A reason for me not returning was the geography test and and also the rain and the wet ground. There are things that you just cant seem to never stop hating. I am referring to the wet ground. 

Its a very unique thing we have. You and I. I haven't ever called you a friend nor that you aren't. But.. its like we are strangers. I dont want to start putting labels on you, like I did to my other close ones. I like the feeling of being strangers. Its like I don't need to expect anything from you, cause how much can we expect from a stranger? I don't need to bother about what you think of me cause we are you know... strangers. Until the very end, I want us to stay like this. It'll be nice to think of you for a short moment and then forget it with out any importance and it'll be nice if you would think of me positively for a short while... only for a short while. Like how you think of a kind action done by a stranger... and then you just move on, without giving it a second thought.

My life would be really nice if things were on cloud 9. You know what... I would really like to fly like a bird. I don't really like birds, they are too noisy. But.. its more like I envy them. They can fly but I can't. Its as simple as that. I would like to explore. Not magnificently but like a bird, I would like to quietly fly from one place to another, look at the people, breathe the fresh air, and then stop from time to time when the rain cames. Then after it stopped, I would again softly and quietly start my travel. Quietly..... Its calm. I can sense a little tickle on my face as the wind wooshes past my face. its refreshing, soothing. Its quiet. Thats what I would like to feel. As a bird.

I told you I have to think a lot before I write, but today I am writing what ever I feel. Its not polished or decorated. Its my bare face, my bare thoughts. So Wylla, can I open up to you, as a stranger. Can I tell you of my heart. Can I type what ever I want. Its definitely not something important but as a passerby, listen to my words and take them away with you.

Its nice to be me some times, it feels light . I don't feel fake. I never realize which one of me is the real me. Am I a extravagant or am I cool or am I the most average person you could find on earth. I don't know. I guess I 'll never know. Although I want to know. I want to...

I don't know when was the last time I laughed a real laugh. I smile a lot you know, its cause I don't wanna look ugly. I look ugly when I don't smile. So when was the last time I genuinely smiled.

You also know I have a weak memory. Part of the reason can be that I never look back. There are times when you look back at the memories of the past, happy or sad, like you look back at your first love...I never had those moments, i could never, cause i have a weak memory.

Strangely enough, however, I don't ever bother to remember. I guess there might be something really good in the past but I just don't bother. But there are some times when there emotions get the better of me. Emotions of loneliness, sorrow, unloved. Its like I'm falling into a deep silent ocean. Some times I long for this feeling, this quiet, cold feeling. But sometimes its nerve wrecking.

How does it feel to be happy? I ask my self . How does it feel? Do you know Wylla. Is it quite, is it calm or is it full of excitement, effervescent. Do you feel satisfied with life at that point, or is it because you overcome your defeat. I wonder.... How does it feel to be happy?

My first love..was probably in grade first. Going on till fourth and the fifth also. I 101% have forgotten him. But I guess if I ever remember those days...they would be happy days. Its like seasons which have passed away. You know more of it is gonna come so you take them for granted. But at some point in life you realize that they are too important to be forgotten. Thats probably when you find someone or something to live for. I, sadly haven't had that moment yet, I still take them for granted.

Have you ever looked at some one and smiled brightly. Or have you ever, in the bliss of solitude remembered someone's laugh and thought that you'll cherish it for ever, cherish them forever.

I've thought a lot about love. Longed a lot for someone to love. Its tough to be alone. I'm just 14 for goodness sake. At first glance to someone, I seem to have a lot of time to think of life. But its the first glance, there's a lot more to it . Will I ever survive out of this whirlpool of self doubt. I know I have a lot of love to give, a lot of life that I am capable of living. But I don't know what to live for. I have a lot to tell but at some point the words automatically stop flowing.

Haaa..... I'm tired. I will admit something today. The bestfriend I have  made a lot of plans with about my future is not my bestfriend in soul. The tallest boy in our class whom I say I have a crush on has never given me butterflies, he simply just exists. And I'm tired and sick of making beautiful scenarios about my lavish, successful future. To think of me at the top. When can I stop Wylla, tell me, can I ever find myself and be proud to find my self. To look in the mirror and not think how I'll look in my successful future but how I look right now and that right now is satisfying,  successful. To be content. To be me.

Haaa ..... I'm tired.