The replies to your letters

The night and clouds and coldness

I'v decided to update it daily. Mostly because I want to feel light and secondly I have someone who reads it. A stranger.

Well, when I was in grade 4, i used to to be quite happy, popular and extroverted. I if look back at these words, they suffocate me . Just thinking about it tires me to the core. Its like, its so hard to talk to someone for me, the me now. If I talk about the trio group's M or the S's crush S. They all seem so fake. Its like talking to them feels so fake. Like how they try to act cool and how they try to get involved in the cool things trying to be the cool popular kids. Well, in grade 4th and 5th I was no different. Just like them, lying , participating, and trying. I still lie, still try to fit in , but it happened naturally then and now it doesn't. Now it tires me.

If I say I understand what you wrote in your letter, I can't possibly do( I know it sounds cliche but... still ) Cause I don't know whats behind it. I might bent down to look at the same level as you are looking but its still me who's looking, not me looking from your eyes or me thinking with your brain.

Love? I never really gave my heart to anyone. Should I have? But you know, keeping love aside, I've always been the one waiting. I could say I'm really good at waiting. There once was a time in 7th grade when an elder boy, with whom I used to play badminton, told me/ us that he'll come late the next day, so I waited. I kept waiting for 4 whole hours. I waited till 9:30 pm that night. We used to play on the street just in front of our house lane, and it was visible from the the top terrace so I waited there, it was cold and it was freezing cold but I waited there.  Even if he wasn't coming I just wanted to get a glimpse of him, thinking I would be satisfied knowing that he at least looked forward to it but he didn't come. I cried a lot that day, like I always do. Cried alone on the terrace.

I don't know how but I kind of liked crying on the terrace.( removing the part crying). I like how cold it was, how isolated and alone and lonely it felt. It felt as if I'm the only one who survived out of a meteor fall on earth. So now I'm all alone, with no family, no friends. Its just me and the stars. The stars. They consolidated me a lot. I liked looking at them a lot. I would sit on the secluded terrace for hours just looking at the stars quietly , watching them move and sometimes finding a satellite or two moving past. And singing, yes, singing. I used to sing sad songs a lot, deliberately trying to squeeze out tears. Acting all pathetic and vulnerable. It  was kind of my thing. The stars, looking at them they feel unreal yet real? If I ever make a theory on stars, it'll be that they are tiny little secrets. They are secrets that every one wants to hide. So they became these tiny little glowing things and flew up to that dark void. Its like even though every one has forgotten about them, they still exist and that little gleam tells me that.

I love the night. A lot. I mean a lot. Its cause I loved the stars as I mentioned but also because my life time fantasy is of riding on a silver dragon's back. For hours I would be flying on its back. He would pick me up every midnight and then we would fly silently over the ocean of city lights and beneath the stars and in a silver lake of shinning cold silver clouds. It'll be really quiet, the only sound would be of our breathing, the dragon's warm breath forming small warm clouds and my cold breath mixing in it and the dragon's large silver wings cutting thought it and its calm, woosing melodious sound could be like honey to my ears. My face feels cold and nice and moisturized. You see, I like feeling the night coldness. It has a really magical effect in it. A really  lonely, evil and consolidating effect. The night feels like time has stopped, like every thing is at rest, there is nothing to tell you that the world is moving or that you are alive, there is nothing to remind you that you have duties and responsibilities, it tells you that you can now rest, cause you have worked a lot and that you must be tired by constantly living and breathing, so you can rest. But its only temporary cause it knows you have dreams to fulfill. Fulfilling the dreams you see at night int the morning. Its feels like the clouds have come down to earth for me and covered me a whole, telling me that they'll stay with me tonight and its gonna be okay and even if its not, they are gonna stay with me. If not always, at least tonight. So live, keep living, live to see the next night, live so you can see the stars again. Live.

I like being alone, not lonely but being alone. Like being alone with someone else you feel one with. We would really match in that want. The want of having someone who understands you.  Like not being girlfriend boyfriend but just being each others. Just being beside each other and not talking about anything, when you feel sad he just sits beside you holding your hand and says nothing. And gradually all my sorrow and sadness would fade away. He makes you feel a light feeling, your brain clears up and freezes in this very moment, its the feeling of feeling nothing. Thats all I want. I don't know if i'll be right to say that its love but its just this much. No more no less. But if it has to be more then that would be looking into his deep understanding eyes would feel like being in a dark deep ocean, feeling confused and its like the feeling of being eaten up a whole by a large monster, a large ocean blue monster. But its the feeling I only want sitting under the stars at night, cause only at night I am capable of feeling like this, cause the stars keep reassuring me that its for ever. Because when the day comes, you realize that its gonna fade away gradually and you start feeling hurt and suffocated and its like being torn up from the inside. You are suffering but there are no clouds to wrap you up like a blanket, no stars to reassure you thats its forever, no dragon to consolidate you and no one beside you to just make you feel light and okay. No one to hold your hand, no one to look in the eye and smile. Because at night everything was at rest, you had time and time didn't move, but the morning wakes every one and they start with their own work and journey and no one has time for you.