Forever family

more growing

grace pov

we are still growing up. still getting used to car loans and bills. and soon we will start planning our wedding once we confirm to her parents that she said yes. and soon after that a house that will come with more things to pay and a lawn to mow and a bigger place to keep clean.

thinking of all of this all i can think of is the fact that I'm legally an adult but in reality I'm a child. it makes me wonder how mama was able to do it. barley legal and adopting a little girl three year younger. or how my fellow youngins on the national team somehow manage our contracts and deals and transfers.

it makes me wonder how I'm going to survive being the number one. I've never worn number one. I don't think I want to. when I got sari's call it worried me.

she called me saying "I'm heading to surgery tomorrow. but she said i wont play again. i don't love it. it hurts me. it has taken my ability to live a painless life. grace i hope you never pressure yourself to be more than you are. it will rob you and i never want that for you. your mom stopped that from happening to your mama and Beth stopped it for DVD and those two stopped it from happening to Jill. your family will stop it for you but I'm warning you don't fall to the pressure and don't you ever be that pressure to anyone else." i sat there stunned and said " i promise i wont sari, i wish you the best what will you do now" " I'm finishing my coaching badges and once I'm done mark has promised me to let me join back with the team. ill be back before the cup and ill be your real coach this time not just playing with you." " ok sari. i wish you the best. hope to see you in September." we said our goodbyes and soon the tears had started.

when t got back from the store she dropped the stuff and hugged me. no words were spoken but everything was said. " tell me what happened." she says after a few minutes of calm.

" sari is retiring. no retirement tour, no celebrations, not even one hundred caps. I'm almost ten percent of the way to her caps. twelve years she spent dedicated to our team. im at ive already spent nine year in the youth and full team. im scared its going to happpen to me. im scared that its going to fade to dust. and im scared ive grown to fast and not fast enough." " oh baby. its ok to retier with out a fuss she probably wants it that way anyway. And you know that no one that matters expect anything from you but what you want to give do say and feel."  Feeling her stroke my back kiss my forehead and knuckles and her words calm me. But only for a few minutes as the mail slides through the slot.

I go and check the mail and see it's her call to vote junk and our phone bills.

I hand her her stuff and call to pay the bill. And that flares up my panic agin. This time she catches me before I fall.

She hugs me whispers in my ear and says " talk if you want." And so collecting my thoughts I lean into her further as she leads us to our room. " it's hard." " what is baby?" 

" growing up. I thought I knew what growing up was. I thought I was ready. But being made number one keeper. Changing my jersey number. And the fact that we are talking about getting a house it's just it's hard. I thought the home made me know what it was like to grow up. But there's a difference between being mature for your age and having to be a mature functioning adult that pays bills and cooks dinner and cleans the house while having a full time job. It scares me how little I knew." " I get that I really do. I never meant for talking about a house to scare you. I never want you to feel so stressed that you shut down. Please alway tell me what your thinking. I want to keep  you happy."   " I love you because of so many things but that just makes it even better." She answers me with a kiss before cuddling up to me as we both fall asleep.

The next morning we have a film session and game. We are playing ol so I am excited to see Kim in one of her last games before going home.

I put my gift to my mothers in a little bag before putting it in my football bag. I'm going to give it to Kim so that it dose not have a single chance at getting damaged.

The game is good. We win with one goal by mal. This is the first club game I've played all year and it feels weird not having t in front of me especially for a tough game like this but I feel good to touch a ball in love play.

At the end of the game Kim comes up to me and says " my loan is ending early I go home on Wednesday." " that's awesome do you think you could give something to my mothers?" " sure but why not ship it." " it's important I can't let it get damaged." " care to share." " you can look at it but if you tell anyone I will track you down and tape you to a goal with socks in your mouth." " damn it's that important." " yes."

Me Kim and t go out to dinner the next day and it's fun relaxing and good to spend time with one of the first people I meet once I got adopted.

Once the whole fear of being made number one is over after finally getting a game back on my belt I feel more settled less stressed ready to look for our forever place.