3 A. M. Writer- 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚕

How to Deal With Bullies That Are Actually Stupid

Hand sanitizer and stupid people mix very well together if you want a lot of laughs or get revenge. This story is finally one I remember dialogue for, so we can get some variety. I think I should tell this one like an actual short story, what do ya think?

Too bad, I don't care what you think. I'm doing it like that anyways.

Laney and I were in the same class for fifth grade. It was there that we became close friends, as we really had no other option. Everyone else were jerks and completely disregarded any rules or social etiquette. As such, the ones with any sort of morals and goodwill, and I mean any with even a small hint of it, banded together to form the nerds in the back of the classroom.

There was one group of rambunctious little blighters that completely drove us insane. They would talk back to the teachers, pick fist fights in the halls, and did general property damage to the campus. Most of them were girls and there were a few boys thrown into their friend group. There was one among them that we hated with a burning passion.

Carolina Santalina. Yeah her name rhymed. She was a bully in general, a savage when it came to violence, and a chronic foul mouth. Of course, swearing should go in its rightful place, however she used it with no regard to situation, extremity, or awkwardness or incorrect usage. Yeah, there is a right way to cuss and I found it disgusting that she used it so wrong. She was also not very intelligent. Therefore, the nerds in the back of the classroom decided to take advantage of this near the end of the year.

The A team needed special forces to go in and put our plan into action. You know who hadn't gotten caught doing anything even slightly bad that year? Aw yeah, me and Laney that's who. We'd done absolutely nothing they could prove and so we were sent with minimal training into the field of battle. We were preparing to walk to lunch. Our germaphobe of a teacher had always made us use hand sanitizer before we left her classroom and as such we tried to never get any paper cuts. Ever.

We were required to stand next to Carolina to execute this plan. The conversation went like this.

Laney elbowed me and asked, "Hey, do you think that hand sanitizer is toxic?"

"Hm... I don't know. We should read the label." I picked up the bottle and pretended to read it. I had checked beforehand and it did say toxic, but being the brain that Laney is, figured out how much you'd have to consume for it to actually do anything to you. It was much much more than what we were planning to do to Carolina, so we kept going.

Carolina leaned over to us and whispered, "Haha! You should drink it! I wanna see what's gonna happen!"

Oh dear. This was not the plan. She was supposed to drink it, not us. How would I save the situation? This was a pro-gamer move, so don't try this at home, kids.

"I think maybe, you know, since you're probably stronger and better than us, you should drink it, Carolina."

"Why would it matter if I were stronger?"

Laney rolled her eyes and sighed, "Because it's not exactly something you should drink. If you, the stronger and better person, were to drink it you wouldn't sustain the same negative effects."

Carolina's eyes went wide. She had a superiority complex like no one else and she was ready to prove her superiority. "Fine then. How much sanitizer are we talkin here?"

Laney pretended to think and murmured, "I suppose you'd be ok with about a palm full. You could do less or slightly more, though I believe the results would be the same."

"Full palm!" Carolina screeched. "I wanna do the whole thing!" So we gave it to her. She took it in her hand and swallowed it. She cringed and coughed. We grinned because we knew what would happen next. We tabled the turns on her even more than we had. We let her walk to lunch and waited for the alcohol to kick in. It might've been toxic, but the alcohol percentage was wayyyyy too high to have been ok to let fifth graders have in a classroom with kids as creative as we were. It was around 85% alcohol, which is crazy.

The first sign we noticed that it was kicking in was that she became even louder than normal as she walked down the halls to lunch. Then she tripped on a desk that had been leaning against the wall of the music room. We weren't even done yet. We were now about to start the physiological warfare.

Carolina had sat down at our class's table next to her gang of Bratz dolls. We sat slightly away from them, though we could hear their conversation. We pretended to ignore them while talking loudly about meaningless stuff. You have to make sure that they can hear you well, but that they aren't listening to anything you're saying. This establishes a great cover for watching the scenes unfold before you. (Ok to be fair, I had learned this from reading all of the Sherlock Holmes stories that week. I've read all of them so I can confidently say that those who simp for any of the Hollywood versions of him need to read the books. He's not that hot or sane, he's just an anti-social, violin playing, crack addict. He is incredibly smart so I'll give him that. We'll talk about this later though, I love that book series.)

We noticed that her friends were getting worried about her, so we decided to make them even more worried.

Laney took the lead for this one. "Hey, I'm pretty sure that toxic means you're gonna die, right? If you eat it?"

Of course, through fabulous best friend psychic powers, I knew where she was going with this. We were gonna make her fear for her life. "I'm pretty sure that's what that means. But Laney, should we be worried for Carolina? She drank quite a bit of that hand sanitizer.

"Yeah, maybe we should be. Though she'd die surrounded by her friends if we were to let her die right now. I'm sure it's better if we just let nature take the wheel right now."

Carolina, with the ears of a bat, spun around in her chair and screamed, "What?!" It was too perfect. "I'm going to die?? I thought you said I wasn't going to sustain any negative effects!"

We could've said something, but at the moment we were having too much fun playing the anti-hero to let her know that she'd be ok. Her friends began to circle her and cry about how she was going to leave them. They even started asking her if she'd made a will!!

I look back on this moment with a small amount of shame, though it's hard for me to say that I regret it, because I don't. Carolina really did make my fifth grade year a living hell and I think that in some mildly impressive way I was able to get back at her a bit. I suppose I would've been more sorry if she hadn't agreed to it so readily.

Now please don't think that this was a good idea. I don't want to be put in court for something you did because you got inspired, so leave me outta this. Somehow, me and Laney never got in trouble for this. We haven't seen Carolina for a long time, and I highly doubt she'd want to talk to us after that humiliating adventure. Next chapter, I will discuss identity theft and the 16 personalities. It's gonna be a wild ride, so buckle your seat belts, hold onto your hats, and get ready to scream.