Broken [Book 1 of 2]

Chapter Ten-

When I was little I kept a "diary". I used it for awhile. However I don't think I've used it for about a year. I found it today, so I decided to read it. My handwriting wasn't great, hardly readable. Spelling errors made me cringe.

May 1, 2004

Mommy got drunk again tonite so daddy brought me to Rachels house. Im staying the nite! It's so exiting becase it's a school nite! This is a first!! Goodbye!!

Things got a little better as I advanced. Well, at least spelling wise.

October 20th, 2011

Is it normal to feel sad all the time? I'm not even sad about anything in particular, I'm just...Sad. Dad says I should get "happy" pills but I refused. It's just a phase.

I had to laugh at what I wrote. "Just a phase". It cracked me up. I read on.

March 11th, 2012

Body image-it's not what other's see. It's what YOU see. It's when eating hurts, when looking in the mirror kills. It's when you can't accept compliments, feeling as if everyone is lying to you. It's when exercising suddenly becomes 'fun', when throwing up isn't just because you have a stomach bug. It's when no matter how skinny you are, all you see is fat. Everywhere becomes an ocean of paranoia in which you slowly drown in. Judges, I can feel them. Screw eating, who needs that when you can be skinny?

I felt like crying. Reading these showed me my transformation from a normal kid to a fucked up teen.

December 25th, 2012

Wanna know what I got for Christmas? I got a pack of cigarettes and a $5 bill. I don't even smoke. I'm just gonna go to the corner store and by some binge candy and razors.

I felt sick.

February 17th, 2013

I met a guy today. Not in real life, but online. His name is Cameron...Dallas? He's really sweet. We're friends and he lives not too far from here. So if all goes well -and he's not a rapist - maybe someday we can meet. Cameron is so nice!

Smiling, I looked to a picture I had of Cam and I on my wall. The day I had just read was the day my life changed and I didn't even know it yet. It sounds cheesy, I know.

That's around when the entries stopped, but the last one had read:

April 28th, 2013

Goodbye. I can't take this. Life, it sucks. I hate everyone, everything, and especially myself. Razors can't seem to settle my pain anymore. All the tears, the blood, I can't take it. Cam can't stop me this time. But I love him so much. After all, he's my only friend. The only one who's stuck around. Thank you Cam. Goodbye world.

All along the page were old and dried blood stains, also what looked like tear stains. After reading that I actually kinda felt proud, wondering how I survived that night and the many others after that.

I called Cam, and I invited him over. He came with the guys - I invited them too - and we hung out for awhile.

When the others left, I showed Cam my diary. He read some of it and I could see tears welling up in his eyes, but he never actually did cry.

"Jayde," Was all he could say as he leaned in and hugged me. It was the tightest hug I've ever felt.

"Cam, it's okay, I'm okay, and I mean it," I said to him.

He just smiled and said, "I know. I'm proud."

•••

"Truth or dare?" I asked Cam as the clock hit 1pm.

"Dare!" He confirmed.

"I dare you to get your eyebrows waxed!" I smirked.

"Well were am I gonna get that done?"

In the blink of an eye we were at the nearest nail and spa place, because they all have wax treatments. Soon we were paying for it. Well, I was. He made me pay.

"Which eyebrow would you like," the worker lady asked. Cam picked one out and they went to the back room.

When he came out I felt like screaming.

"Cam you look RIDICULOUS!" I blurted out. All the people stared at me and I turned beat red. I slowly walked out, Cam followed.

"Thanks, now everyone there knows my eyebrows have been waxed!" Cam joked.

"Well it's not like it was a secret anyways," I replied. I couldn't stop looking and giggling.

"Truth or dare," Cam switched subjects.

"Truth," The chicken inside of me forced out.

"Who was your first kiss?" He asked after awhile of thinking, "I've got nothing else."

I stopped walking. "Well," I paused, "You actually."

"I must be one really lucky guy, look at what all the others are missing out on!" Cam pulled me in for a kiss. I felt like one of those annoying PDA couples you see on the side of the road, but to be honest it's always been my goal.

"Well thank you," I said, pulling away. No one was around. Goal not achieved...yet.

Cam bowed like he just ended the world's most famous play.

"Come back to the hotel all the guys are staying at, Nash Matt and I have a surprise for you," He said, continuing to walk.

"It better not be a foursome," I murmured. Cam almost slapped me, but instead he just shook his head violently and sighed loudly in disappointment.