Our last summer as kids

Max

My pride wouldn't let me stop thinking about Tracy. 

After our interaction at Sweat Grill, she's been on my mind. 

Yes, I do get that I was rude and what my friend did was something unforgivable but for one, 

I have no control over what my friends do and two I already said I was sorry, 

can't she just forgive and forget.

Anyways, I'm going to go to Sweat Grill tomorrow and set her straight. 

I of course will need to do some research, so I scrolled through her insta, just to see if she was talking to anybody else 

who might have influenced this change, none from what I see. 

Good. 

Again, this is all because of my pride and nothing else. I can't have her disrespect me after I apologized to her. 

Next morning rolls around and I'm refreshed and ready for any unexpected shots that will be pulled from Tracy. 

*Breathes in* 

"Ok, let's go" 

As I enter, Tracy's in the same place as she was yesterday. I walk over to her and sit down right in front of her. Tracy looks up at me and rolls her eyes. 

"Is there something you need from me" Tracy remarks with very to little interest in her voice

"I would like an apology for the blatant disrespect given when I was just trying to be nice and leave shit in the past" 

Tracy takes a deep breath and closes the book she was reading "I'm, sorry... for not giving a fuck, because I don't care, and you shouldn't either. The amount of attention you are wasting on me to apologize and now to get an apology is kind of embarrassing." 

She then takes another long breathe and responds with "you wanted me to leave you alone so I'm doing that, we are no longer anything so stop coming to me expecting something. I don't owe you anything" 

This sort of hit me by surprise because, this wasn't the Tracy that I knew, this is someone else and I didn't like it. She left me speechless and unable to have a come back

"If that's all, you can go away because you're not getting an apology or anything else " 

I know she meant this... but I don't want to go away. This isn't the Tracy that I know, and it doesn't feel right to just get up and leave, it doesn't feel right to just leave it on this note. 

"How are you" I say desperately not wanting to go just as of yet

"Huh, are you really asking me this, dude get the hint, You're NOT WANTED" she says the last part in a loud whisper 

I know I'm not wanted; one would have to be an idiot to not see that but something within me doesn't want to go. At first, I brushed it off as my pride not wanting to be disrespected but now, I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling, annoyance, anger, desperation, what could it be. 

"Well at least just give me this one last thing before we go on our separate ways, please" I think my voice cracked a little when I said please, super embarrassing but I just can't go with this tight feeling in my chest 

"Ok, um... how I'm feeling right?" I immediately nod my head yes 

"I'm feeling really good right now, really happy, I think the me that chased after you was really unhappy. I've actually came to the conclusion that I was so desperately chasing after you because I didn't want to lose anyone else. I feel what I felt for you at first was definitely love and as a kid I didn't really know how to express myself but after my dad died I feel like it got worse and I was scared that I would never meet someone who loves me the way my father loved my mother, so I was desperately holding onto you, when I shouldn't have, my dad wouldn't have wanted this for me, so why cling. I'm growing now and I'm finding things that I like that I never knew I would like ever."                                         

"So, you're happy, like genuinely happy" 

"I am, there are moments and things I want to change but things don't just change overnight, so for right now I'm just going to bask in this happiness" 

"And what are those things that you want to change" I say curious but also an excuse to continue to stay and talk with her. She doesn't respond right away but she does give me a look of confusion 

"I would like to change my relationship with my mom. She's really an important person within my life and it hurts knowing she doesn't want to support me and my changes. I want her to love me and show me that she cares like she does for you, and you aren't even her kid"

"sorry" I say feeling kind of guilty 

"For what, my relationship with my mom, that's not your fault, that's all my mom, but I will accept it for you trying to tell me what to do with my relationship with my mom" 

shit, I forgot I did that, fuck. In a rush to switch the topic I asked Tracy if she had any plans for the summer

"None that pertains to you. What I have planned is for me and the people that are going to be in them, so there is no reason for me to even tell you" 

"True, true" there really isn't much to say but I really don't want to leave. 

Tracy went back to her book, ignoring my presence once again. I stayed and watched her. 20 minutes rolled around, and I was still here watching her. Another 10 minutes rolled around, and I still wasn't bored, then 30 minutes rolled past, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off her. After an hour and thirty minutes hits of me watching Tracy peacefully read, she decides to get up and leave, not saying a word to me or even looking at me. 

On a brighter note at least, she didn't ask me to leave. She just stayed there in her own world, which is a plus... I think it is, I'm not really sure but I'm going to say it as such. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.