Our last summer as kids

Max

So, it's been 4 days since I've been able to see Tracy. These 4 days have been hellish due to not being able to talk or just be in Tracy's presence, but I told myself I would change for her and that's what I'm doing. 

In these four days my friends and I have made it our mission to make myself appear to Tracy's appeal. 

On the first day of my "glow up" as Harper would like to say I went to the barber shop to get a haircut. I buzzed my hair back in freshman year and Tracy wouldn't stop complimenting me, I later decided to grow my hair out and never cut my hair again, 

but I want to appeal to Tracy and if me being in a buzz cut will get me a little brownie points in Tracy's books, then I'll do it. 

After getting my haircut, my friends and I went clothes shopping. I bought anything that I thought would pique her interest... and yes, I know just because I change my appearance doesn't mean that I will win the girl back, 

But that's not my plan, the point of changing my appearance is just to get her attention, how I behave, act and treat her is how I'm going to win Tracy over. 

In these past 4 days I've been practicing with my friends on how to treat and act towards Tracy and today is the day I get to finally start putting into action my plan on winning her back. 

[deep breath] 

As I stand outside of Sweet Grill with flowers in hand, I wipe my palms and finally get the confidence to walk in. 

I don't know why I am so nervous... actually that's a lie I know why, I don't want to mess this up and I don't want my intentions to be misconstrued. 

As I walk into Sweet Grill, I see Tracy... alluring as ever... God she's so perfect. I walk towards her in a slight sped walk tempo, trying my best not to make it too noticeable that I see her.  

As I reach her table, Tracy slowly looks up and places her ethereal eyes on my face. Her face turns from being calm to a confused look. 

After a big gulp, I sit down right in front of her and start to speak.

"I know you're probably not going to listen to what I have to say or even pay any mind to me, but I just want to get this out." 

[deep breath]

"I am so sorry for all the hurt I have caused you and not just the prom incident... everything, the way I treated you as kids and even after the prom situation, everything I am sorry. [deep breath] And I don't want you to feel obligated to accept my apology, which I know you won't." 

As I awkwardly laugh trying to release my nerves, I take one last big breath before I continue.

"But I'm an idiot, a big fat idiot, who was just blinded by my own world. I selfishly hurt you without any consideration and I allowed my friends to hurt you and didn't stand up for you because that was what you needed, you needed a friend to guide you, help you and protect you but I was the opposite, I hurt you, led you astray and blamed you, when it wasn't your fault it was mine and not just me but my friends and I deeply apologies for hurting you and becoming your pain" 

*Silence 

As I look up from my hands, I see Tracy looking at me, not saying anything. To defuse the awkwardness, I continue to talk again.

"I also got you flowers, I know this won't repair the damage that I have done but I want to start somewhere." 

*Silence 

After a minute of silence, she finally speaks. 

   "Thank you, not for the flowers but for the apology. I didn't think I needed that, but it made me feel good to have someone who has caused me pain recognize the pain they have caused me and to that I thank you."

After a second of silence Tracy speaks again 

"And you're right I am not going to forgive you... but I won't hold a grudge... it takes way too much energy to hold onto hate... but I'll never be the Tracy you used to know, and I want you to fully understand that." 

I quickly respond to that accidently cutting her off. 

"Absolutely, and I don't want you to, I love the women you're becoming... just continue to be yourself, I'm not asking for much... I just want us to be friends." 

I don't want to be her friend... I want to be more but after talking with my friends a little more I came to the realization that Tracy may never look at me the same or ever be able to express some form of love towards me and that's ok, I've accepted that but 

I don't want to just up and leave her life... I want to be a part of it even if it maybe a small part.

"I also don't know if we could be friends..."

Tracy says in a low tone, low enough as if she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but they aren't hurt because she didn't say she wouldn't, she just said that she doesn't know... therefore I have to continue to prove myself.

"Thats ok, but... I will selfishly continue to try."

*Silence 

Tracy stares for a few seconds then looks down to continue reading her book but responds with 

"ok"