CAMBRIA

THIRTY-FOUR

How do you even begin to describe a predicament such as the one that Cambria and Jackson were in? How do you move forward after such a revelation is revealed? The answer is simple: They did what they do best – they continued on as if nothing was amiss, acting like everything was normal.

They had reached the end of May and the weather in Pine Hills was blooming and beautiful. Their time was spent going for walks and sitting out in the gazebo. They spent almost everyday that week together, never quite getting enough of each other. She had seen Finn only once, due to his busy work schedule. But he still managed to make the time to cook her an elaborate dinner. And then, that following Friday, one week after everything had come out between her and Jackson, they finally talked about it.

"Why do you love me?" Jackson said suddenly. They were sitting out by the fire. For once, they were not drinking. Sober conversations weren't normally their forte. But he couldn't help himself.
"I don't."
"What, you just changed your mind?"
She laughed. "I don't even know how to answer that."
He was silent for a moment. "I'm not happy, about what you told me."
"Which part?"
"That you have a boyfriend."
"I'm aware."
"I don't think you should be dating someone, considering you're in love with me."
"I'm aware of that too."
"Those two things contradict each other. Don't you think?"
"I don't know what you want me to do – break up with him?"
"Yeah."
She rolled her eyes.
"It made me feel good," he continued. "When you told me that."
"That I love you?"
"Yeah. It made me... happy. But then the other thing ruined it."
"I'm sorry."
"I just don't understand how you can tell me that you love me, and then tell me you have a boyfriend."
"What if I didn't? Have a boyfriend."
"I don't know."
It was quiet again.
"Why are you even dating him?"
"Because I'm trying to get over you, move on with my life. I need someone who actually wants me. Someone who chooses me. And you, Jackson, will never choose me."
"I won't choose you unless you choose me. And you never have. Ever since the beginning, you chose Theo."
"And you chose Natalia. And I had to sit back and watch. And wait. And I waited so long that I couldn't wait anymore. So I chose him. Because I knew that you wouldn't."
"You never even gave me a chance."
He was right.
"How can you love a person and date someone else?" he said.
"You should ask yourself the same thing."
"Would you date me?"
"I don't know. It's not black and white. Not as simple as a yes or no answer." She paused a moment. "Would you date me?"
"I've thought about it. I've been thinking about it."
Cambria was quiet as she digested this information. Then she said, "I think I would. Date you."
"I'm not looking for a relationship."
A slap in the face. "Then why are you asking?"
"Because I'm curious. Because I'd like to know."
"But you wouldn't date me."
"I just got out of a three-year relationship. With someone who was especially toxic. I need to be by myself for a bit."
"I never expected anything from you. I've viewed this thing as not being reciprocated. As being unrequited."
"Well clearly it's not."
"So you admit it. You're confirming this."
"Yes."
She was quiet as she processed this.
"I didn't intend for any of this to happen. It all just fell together serendipitously. And the timing sucked. Timing's never been on our side. We don't talk for six months, and then the day I meet Finn, the day my life changes, you come back into the picture. I was not expecting that. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Then you just show up, out of nowhere, here to ruin everything."
"Is that how you really view it?"
"I don't know."
"Well I wasn't expecting you to have a boyfriend. And not only that, but to keep it from me, in secret. For an entire month. That hurt."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't do this with malicious intent."
"I know you didn't. You never do. But you still manage to hurt people all the same."
It was quiet again for a few minutes. And then she said, "To answer your question... Why I love you. I think it's because you're the only person I can be my true, genuine self with. I'm constantly changing myself, suppressing myself, hiding who I am out of fear and judgement. I can never just let my walls down and be me. But with you, I can. You're the only person I can do that with. And I know that sounds cheesy and cliché, but it's the truth. Is that stupid?"
"No, not at all. It makes perfect sense."
"I have all these thoughts and perceptions about certain things, and you are the exception to everything. Like how I'm an introvert and hate being around people, but not you. I could spend every waking minute with you and never tire of it. And I hate talking on the phone, but not with you. I want to talk to you every single day, every single night, until we both fall asleep. And then wake up the next morning to hear you're still on the other end. Basically every rule I have, you're the exception. You're always the exception."
"And what do you feel when you're around him?"
"I don't know. Loved. Adorned."
"Does he make you happy?"
She hesitated, contemplating how to answer. She didn't want to. "Yes."
He nodded his head but didn't respond.
"You know," she said. "You met Natalia that very same night you met me. For three years I had to watch you be in a relationship with her. And then you guys just break up. You're single for the first time since I met you. And then the very next day, I meet Finn."
"Trust me," he said. "The irony is not lost on me."
"Tell me what you want me to do."
"I don't want you to do anything. I can't tell you to do anything. That's your choice."
"But you won't be with me."
"I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Can't you see? We've already done that."

_____

As things continued with Jackson, she could feel herself distancing from Finn. It wasn't even intentional – their time together was sparse anyways. And time she would normally spend alone, she ended up spending with Jackson.

Sometimes they didn't talk about it at all. Other times, it was all they talked about – their situation, their predicament, neither one of them knowing what to do.

Jackson wasn't happy that she was in a relationship, but he also wasn't ready to be in one yet himself. And so in the meantime, they existed in this weird limbo where neither of them were satisfied. But at the same time, they made each other happy. So so happy.

Only when Cambria was with Jackson did she feel true elation. Not even with Finn did she experience such a feeling. Finn was great. He was amazing and perfect and kind and doting. She knew for a fact that he'd make a perfect husband and an exemplary father. But she couldn't deny how being with Jackson made her feel.

The time came for Cambria to meet Finn's family. He reserved such an occasion for only someone he was serious about. Cambria was honored, but she also felt guilty. While he was falling in love with her, she was distracted by thoughts of Jackson. She felt as though her heart were being pulled in two different directions. She didn't know what she wanted. What she wanted, was both.

Dinner with his family went well. His parents were lovely and kind, much like their son, and Cambria was overwhelmed. They asked her so many questions and she did her best to answer. And sitting with them, she could envision a future. A future with Finn.

"They really like you," he told her afterwards. They were walking hand-in-hand, eating ice-cream at the lake.
"I really like them too."
"I'm glad." He stopped walking and looked at her. "I haven't felt this way in a really long time. I don't think anyone's ever made me feel the way you do."
She wanted to jump in the water and drown.

Jackson was displeased to discover she had met his family. And therefore spent the majority of the following week ignoring her, icing her out. His callousness hurt. She couldn't handle it, him not speaking to her, him being mad at her, and she realized she would do almost anything to remedy it.

"You can't keep doing this," she said to him. "Are you going to get angry every time I'm with him instead of you?"
"Yes."
"You're being ridiculous. And unreasonable."
"Am I?"
"Well, yes. You can't tell me you don't want a relationship with me and then get mad when I'm with someone else."
"Yes, I can."
"The only reason I'm with him is because I know I can't be with you."
"That's bullshit and we both know it."
"Why won't you be with me?"
"I can't give you what you want. He can."
"I really don't understand you."
"I don't want to commit to you."
"Ouch. Thanks."
"If we date, we'd probably just fuck it up and never speak to each other again."
"You're probably right. But what if you're not?"
"But what if I am?"
"Trust me, I don't want to ruin our friendship either. But we already have. We're passed that now, there's no going back. How much longer can we continue on like this? It's killing me."
"Well I can't keep doing this either. Watch you be with him."
"You can't have it both ways. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't tell me to break up with him but then never be with me in the way I want."
"Break up with him," he said. "And be with me."
"You don't mean that."
"I do."
"No, you don't. You're just saying that because you can't stand me being with someone else."
"You're right. I can't. So break up with him. And be with me instead."
"You're not ready for that. You said it yourself, you just got out of a three-year relationship and you want to be single. If we dated now, you'd end up resenting me for rushing you into something you weren't ready for, and you'd probably end up cheating on me."
"No, I wouldn't."
"Well you did it to Natalia."
"Yeah, with you."
"I'm not just going to break up with him. He can give me what I want. What I need. You can't."
"What, stability? Longevity? Who says I can't give you that?"
"I can actually see a future with him."
"And you can't with me?"
She didn't respond.
"You have a choice to make," he continued. "Stay with him and lose me. Or lose him, and you can finally have me."