dirty thoughts and sweet feelings - larry johnson x female reader

chapter 8 - reinforced trauma (✰)

CW // Descriptions of physical, mental and sexual abuse, descriptions of self harm, descriptions of suicide, violence

(Song linked above for later scene. Symbol ♡ marks when you should play the song. )

Word count: 5758

Your P.O.V:

I'm starting to feel i'll never truly be happy. The high of my life since I was born was when I got with Larry, but that high was outlived. The happiness I always happen to have, always has to have an ending, and that's the rough truth I've kept at the back of my mind. I knew this day would've come, and I knew it, and I felt it coming. Like being on a rollercoaster, and the anticipation you feel when it's going up, and up, and up, and when the cart stops as you're hanging over the dip. The day that was my 'hanging over the dip' moment, was the day I woke up violently ill the day after that camping trip. I knew Brett was in town that day, but I didn't know.

The part that hurts the most is when I realised it's been like this my whole life. Living in fear of the next horrible thing life is gonna throw at me next. It makes me question, will Larry turn out like Brett? I saw Brett through my lovesick eyes at the beginning, which made me not see the red flags. It would start with him doing small things I barely noticed, or just thought all boyfriends and girlfriends do. He'd start to pull me away from my friends, and how he said he should be the only one I love. Then, it escalated to more physical abuse. Even if looked at him wrong it would resort to a slap or punch. Or he'd force me to touch him, when I didn't want to. He'd forcefully make me fuck him, without my consent. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. He thought sex was what would make me love him again, but it was all one sided. The only thing I'd fantasise about him was running away from him. But it's never like that with Larry, For now, anyway. What if it's a repeat? What if he's nice now, and turns out to be a monster? One appearance from Brett and now he's ruining my life and my healthy relationship. I don't think i'll ever escape. It's like running down a hallway, and at the end, there's an exit. But somehow, the hallway gets longer and longer with every step I take. I'm scared it'll be like that for eternity.

I could hear my name being yelled. Somewhere. Once I heard the fourth shout of my name, I shot awake, sweaty and hyperventilating.

"Oh, thank god." My boyfriend, exhaled heavily as he hung over me. "You must've been having a nightmare again. You were shaking and breathing really heavily, like you had something stuck in your throat." He whispered. I saw the worry in his eyes with the faint lighting of the beside lamp beside us, as well as the time when I looked to my right. 1:37am.

I blinked up and him, a frown dragging down my face. "I'm sorry." I reached up and caressed his cheek. "You don't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry." My voice broke. He shook his head with a frown.

"No...No, sweetheart, don't get upset. What are you sorry for?" He held his hand on top of mine which was on his cheek.

"You—" I trembled, tears brewing in my eyes. "You don't deserve being dragged into my shit. You need someone better." I turned my head away and pulled my hand back, wiping the tears falling down my face the best I could.

It went silent for longer than several seconds. Until I heard a whimper come from the man above me. My eyes furrowed in confusion before I turned my head to look up at him.

He was crying.

Larry Johnson, was actually crying. I've never seen him cry. Ever.

"Larry...Why are you crying?" I held his arm, making him turn his head to me.

"I hate this." He snivelled. "I hate seeing you like this. I love you—I love you so much, and I just want to see you happy. I'll stick by your side until you get tired of me, but seeing how you were today...I-It fucking destroyed me, Y/N." He sobbed.