Still Holding On

Chapter 22

Loki is, as always, somewhat groggy when he wakes up. He picks his head up off of Tony's shoulder and lazily covers his mouth with his hand as he yawns. His eyes flicker around the room, scanning over the TV and the empty side of the couch before they finally land on Tony.

"Are you actually awake this time?" Tony asks.

"I think so," Loki says, though his furrowed brows and uncertain expression say otherwise. "Was Thor here, or was that a very realistic dream?"

"No, he was here," Tony says. "He went back to Asgard. He should be back any minute."

Loki frowns. "I thought he was here to bring me to Asgard."

"He was," Tony says. "He is. He just had to talk to your dad about something first."

"Oh."

Tony looks over at him, waiting for him to continue, but he seems to be done talking.

Tony stretches his arms out in front of him, and his back makes a very satisfying pop. That feels a little better.

"Has he said what will happen to me when I return to Asgard?" Loki asks.

Tony shakes his head. "No idea," he admits. A part of him wants to tell him that Thor's trying to talk Odin out of punishing him. Another part doesn't want to get his hopes up if it doesn't work.

Loki nods solemnly. "I imagine I know the answer," he says. He sighs. "I suppose I should thank you now, before my brother returns. I've felt more welcome here than I've felt anywhere in a very long time."

"Don't worry about it," Tony says dismissively. He really hasn't been the best host the world has ever seen, especially in the beginning — if Loki even remembers when Tony tried to lock him in his room for days on end. This is a far more sincere expression of gratitude than he deserves.

"I was lucky to meet you, Stark," Loki says. "I'll remember that for as long as I live — however brief that may be."

Tony frowns. "Why are you so calm about that?"

Loki raises his shoulders in a small shrug. "I have no reason not to be."

"Yes, you do!" Tony says in disbelief. "Your dad might have you killed. That is a great reason not to be calm."

Loki lets out a long breath, carefully avoiding Tony's gaze and instead looking out at the floor ahead of him. "I've had a difficult few months," he says. "I've been places and done things I'd never imagined, even in my worst nightmares, and I'm tired. I haven't the energy or the ambition to fight any longer." He shakes his head to himself. "Perhaps death will bring about a peace I've never found in life."

Tony sighs. "Loki..." God, that's so dreary. He's been in some pretty shitty situations, but he's never felt like that. He's never been so hopeless that he thought death would be a reprieve for him. He can't even imagine it.

"I only wish Thor would hurry," Loki says. "The uncertainty is worse than any punishment could be."

Tony just watches him for a few moments, hoping to see some sign, some proof that this isn't true what he wants, but there is none. He really thinks Loki believes this, and that's the worst part.

"Loki," he says cautiously, "what happened to you before you came here?"

Loki shakes his head. "I would rather not talk about it."

"You don't need to give me the specifics," Tony says. "I just want to know where you're coming from."

Reluctantly, Loki nods. "I fell from the Bifrost — the bridge that connects Asgard to the rest of the Nine Realms. I found myself lost in the cosmos. I don't know how long it lasted. The days blend together when you're fearing for your life in the darkest corners of the universe."

It's nice to have an answer. It's nice to have even a general idea of the hell he's been through. But it's hard to feel better about it when the answer is like they.

He's not entirely sure how to respond to that realization, so he just says, "I'm sorry. That sounds terrible."

"It was," Loki says. "But it's over now. I still see it every time I close my eyes, but I know that it's over, and I find comfort in that. I've made my peace with my past and with my future. It's only the uncertainty of the present that disturbs me now."

Loki sighs and rests his head on Tony's shoulder again. "I wish Thor would hurry," he says. "I don't like waiting."

"I know," Tony says sympathetically. "He'll be back soon."

They lapse into silence, and Loki closes his eyes as though ready to fall back asleep already. He really likes to sleep, it seems. Maybe Tony should have been scheduling designated nap times like a preschool. He could go for daily nap time. It looks like Loki could, too.

"Stark?" Loki says without opening his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"You told my brother that I've forgotten a lot," he says. "What have I forgotten?"

That you're supposed to be evil.

But looking down at the quiet, sleepy god on his shoulder, he just can't see it. There's not an evil bone in his body. There never was. And he can't think of a single reason to remind him what he's done. What good will it do to tell Loki of all the harm he's caused?

So Tony just says, "It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me," Loki says. "At the very least, I would like the option to decide for myself that it does not matter."

Tony sighs. "It's just little things," he says. "Nobody remembers everything. Don't worry about it."

Loki hesitates. "I feel as though this is something I should worry about."

"It's not," Tony assures him. And he means it, too. It's nothing Loki needs to worry about. No, it's just something that he and Thor can worry about instead.

Loki hums in response. "Alright," he says. "I trust you."

Tony gives him a small smile, but the god doesn't see it, still resting on Tony's shoulder with his eyes closed. It's almost enough to make him feel bad. Loki trusted him with barely a moment of hesitation, and it was a lie. He can brush it off as being selective in the truths he tells, but in reality, he is lying through his teeth, and Loki trusts him anyway.

But it's for the best.

These are likely the last peaceful moments Loki will have before he has to answer for his crimes. Tony isn't going to take that from him. He'll let his family tell him what he did, and he'll just have to hope that Loki's reaction is so heartbreakingly intense, his dad has no choice but to let him off with only a hug. (That's what dads are supposed to do, right? He can't remember a single time the great Howard Stark hugged him, but he's fairly certain most people get hugs from their fathers.)

"I should probably enjoy my last few minutes of freedom while I have them," Loki remarks.

Freedom.

He thinks he's free here.

He doesn't even understand that this is supposed to be a temporary holding cell. He really just doesn't remember.

"Though this is a nice way to spend it," Loki muses. "I imagine I won't feel the touch of a warm body in Asgard."

Tony sighs and puts his arm around Loki's shoulders, resting his head on top of the god's. He really hopes Asgard won't treat him the way he expects them to, but if they do, at least he'll have the memory of one last hug to keep him warm at night.