Still Holding On

Chapter 51

Tony is fairly certain that he has never in his life – babyhood excluded because this is all babies do – cried himself to sleep. If that's true, then today is a day of firsts, because that is exactly what he just did.

He doesn't actually know when he fell asleep; only that he wakes up to a hand resting gently on his arm. He groans quietly and forces himself to open his eyes when all he wants to do is sleep until he dies, and he's met with Pepper's face hovering over his own.

He wasn't expecting that.

"Hey," she says quietly. "How are you doing?"

It's very clear how Tony is doing – horrible – so instead of answering, he asks, "What are you doing here?"

"Natasha told me what happened," she says.

Tony groans and buries his face in Edward's stomach. "Of course she did," he mumbles.

Pepper sits down on the arm of the couch and rests her hand on his head, gently running fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I know he really..."

"Mm," Tony hums.

A part of him wonders just how much Natasha told her. She must have said that Loki left, but how much of the fight does Pepper know about? Does she know that Loki saw himself on the news? Does she know Loki had just asked him the night before to come clean? Does she know that Tony is absolutely, hopelessly in love with him?

If she doesn't know already, she'll sure figure that last part out soon. It's the only goddamn thing he can think about right now. He loves Loki — genuinely loves him, as much as he's ever loved anyone before — and he fucked this all up.

So much for being a genius.

Pepper lets out a long breath, fingers still carding gently through his hair. "What can I do?" she asks quietly.

"Nothing," Tony mumbles. "I'm just going to lie here until I die."

Pepper sighs. "Tony..."

"I'm so stupid." He hugs Edward into his chest so the bear doesn't muffle his voice. "I'm so fucking stupid."

"You're not stupid," Pepper assures him.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he mumbles. "I should've told him last night. Why didn't I tell him last night?"

Again, Pepper just sighs, and if she's not going to say anything, then neither is he. He curls up with his knees against his chest, hugs Edward a little bit tighter, and closes his eyes. He just wants to sleep the pain away. Is that too much to ask?

Finally, Pepper says, "Come on, let's get you to bed."

"No," Tony mumbles. He's fine on the couch. It's a very nice couch.

"Tony, it's the middle of the night," she says. "Go to bed. You'll be a lot more comfortable."

"I don't want—" He pauses, then opens his eyes to look up at Pepper. "What time is it?"

"It's almost 1:30," she says. "Well past time for you to be in bed."

"Mm." Tony closes his eyes again. "I'll sleep on the couch."

Pepper sighs. "C'mon, let's go to bed."

"You never care where I sleep," Tony reminds her. "You never care if I sleep." He's gone days without sleep in the past; weeks carried almost entirely by brief naps on airplanes. She's never said a word about it before.

"That's because I usually trust you to take care of yourself," Pepper tells him. "Right now, it looks like you could use a little help."

As much as Tony would like to argue with that, he'd have to be an idiot not to realize that he's not in the right headspace to be making decisions right now. If this is what Pepper says he needs, she's probably right.

So, rather reluctantly, he forces himself to sit up. He rubs his eyes, still slightly raw from the tears he's shed. That may be why he feels so tired: crying took a lot out of him. He can't wait to get to bed.

He stands up, and Pepper wraps an arm around his waist, gently taking him to his room. He could very easily do this on his own, but he appreciates the helping hand. He doesn't want to use his brain in any capacity right now.

After a while of silence, Pepper says, "He left his bear?"

Tony nods. "He threw it at me," he says quietly. "He said he didn't want it. He wants nothing to do with me."

Pepper lets out a long breath. "I'm sorry," she says softly.

Tony just shakes his head. He doesn't need her sympathy. Sympathy isn't going to bring him back.

"You know," he says wryly, "this is a matter of international security, and I'm over here sobbing like a teenage girl after a breakup."

"Well, yeah, maybe," she admits, "but you know he's not going to hurt anyone or try to take over the world again, so for you, it probably is closer to a high school breakup than a world-ending catastrophe."

Tony just groans. She wasn't supposed to agree with that.

"Do you know where he is?" she asks.

He shakes his head. "I'm not tracking him," he says. "I'm not going after him; SHIELD's not going after him. I want to give him space. He thinks he was a prisoner here, and I want him to see..."

"That you trust him," Pepper finishes for him.

Tony nods. "But I don't even know if that was the right call," he says. "Maybe I should have said he was a prisoner. At least then I could have explained what happened. At least then he would have had to listen."

"It's probably better that you didn't," Pepper says. "I mean, he's already upset that you lied to him. I don't think lying is going to get you out of it."

"I don't even know if that would be lying," Tony admits. "The whole deal was that he stays here or he goes to jail in Asgard. For all I know, I just sentenced him to actual prison."

Pepper frowns. "Oh."

"Mm-hmm." Just another thing for him to feel like shit about. He'd like to think Thor would tell him if that's what's going to happen, but...

Tony groans and runs his hands down his face. God, he's stupid. He's so fucking stupid.

When they reach his bedroom, Pepper heads right in, but Tony finds himself stopping in the doorway. He gazes out at the bed, still a mess from when they crawled out of it this morning. They weren't going to waste any time making it up just to mess it back up when they went to sleep tonight.

It hadn't occurred to him until now that that wouldn't happen. It hadn't occurred to him that he could blow this all apart before they could go back to bed together.

If he'd known this morning was the last time he'd be able to hold Loki, he would have held him a little bit tighter; suggested they stayed in bed a little bit longer. He really took all that time for granted.

Pepper looks back at him with a frown. "Tony?"

Tony sighs and shakes his head. He's fine. He's totally fine. He's absolutely, totally fine.

He plops himself down in bed, pajamas be damned, and his gaze strays to the stuffed animals on the dresser by the door. Both Stitch and Winnie the Pooh are looking back at him with their cute little smiles on their cute little faces, and Tony has half a mind to throw them out the window and let them fall a couple dozen floors to their death.

Instead, Tony flops on his stomach and buries his face in his pillow. He's vaguely aware that he's squishing Edward under himself, but he doesn't care. Edward is here to be squished, and he's going to get squished.

It takes a minute or two — he assumes she's changing into one of his comfy t-shirts — but Pepper lies down next to him and covers them both up with a sheet. She murmurs a quiet "Goodnight," but he doesn't say it back. It's not a good night. He may have used up his life's allotment of good nights over the last two months.

Now, all that's left to do is wallow in his own self-pity until he dies.