Still Holding On

Chapter 59

He takes his time as he descends the stairs. His eyes scan the crowd, but they pay him no mind. He looks no different than any of them, strolling through the building in his suave black suit. Even his scepter draws no attention.

That is, until he flips it around in his hand and takes a swing, smacking a security guard with enough force to send him to the ground.

That's when the crowd notices him. That's when they begin to panic, but he hardly notices. He's looking for one person in particular. One person...

There.

He grabs the man by the back of the neck and drags him through the room. The crowd parts for them like the Red Sea, and there's no one in the way when Loki flips the man over his head, slamming his back against the stone table in the middle of the room.

He pulls out a device from the inner pocket of his jacket and activates it. It begins to whir, and he presses it against the man's head. The machine jabs itself into the man's eye–

Loki bolts upright with a gasp, clutching at his chest. He can't breathe. He can't breathe. He's breathing, but he can't breathe.

He feels his throat tightening, his pulse quickening, his face heating up, and all he can think is that he misses Edward. He wants to hug Edward. He wants to hug someone. Without thinking, he grabs one of his pillows and hugs it against him.

He's shaking, he realizes. Even with his arms held firm around the pillow, he's shaking. His whole body is. He can't make it stop. It's like he can't control himself.

Steve groans quietly, rolling over in bed to face him. The bathroom light is on down the hall, just bright enough for Loki to see that the other man is still half-asleep, and it couldn't be more obvious that he'd like nothing more than to pretend this never happened. Loki feels a pang of guilt over that, but it's nothing compared to the guilt he feels over what he's done – what he just watched himself do.

"Are you okay?" Steve asks, almost mumbling his words.

"Mm-hmm," Loki hums. "Fine." He is absolutely, totally fine. There is nothing to worry about. He is fine.

... He's not fine.

He hopes his lie will be enough to quell Steve's concern. He feels bad enough about waking him up. But instead of falling back asleep, Steve sits up, his legs draped over the side of the bed, and Loki can tell this is going to take a little bit.

"What's going on?" Steve asks. "Nightmare?"

Nightmare. Oh, if only it were that simple.

"I..." He swallows hard, hugging his pillow tighter. "I removed a man's eyeball, straight from the socket." And he enjoyed it. That may be the worst part. He could feel the satisfaction it gave him at the time. He plucked out a man's eyeball, and he enjoyed it. What is wrong with him?

Steve furrows his brows. That seems to wake him up a little. "How do you..." He looks at the god curiously. "Did you just remember that?"

Now Loki's confused, too. "I dreamt it," he says slowly. "I've dreamt about what I've forgotten. You didn't...?"

Steve blinks. "You what?"

"SHIELD didn't tell you?" He'd just assumed they would have. It certainly sounds like they know that. Tony definitely does, so he can't imagine that SHIELD hasn't figured it out, too.

"They didn't really tell me anything," Steve admits. "I thought you were still in Asgard until you got arrested. They didn't tell me a whole lot before they sent me after you."

Loki nods solemnly. "That's probably for the best," he says. "I doubt you would have come if you knew what you were getting yourself into."

Steve shakes his head. "I don't mind," he says. "I've dealt with a lot worse than this."

Loki gives him a small smile. He's sure Steve didn't think much of it when he said it, but it's nice to hear that being here with him isn't the worst thing that could have happened to him.

"You doing okay?" Steve asks sympathetically.

Loki nods. "It's the initial shock of it, I think, that gets me," he says. "Once I know what I've done..." He shrugs awkwardly. Once he knows, he knows. There's not all that much more to it. He can try to process it and he can try to move on – though neither of those are going very well – and that's that. But the shock of seeing for the first time all of the things he's done – or all the things that have been done to him – is the hardest part.

"Does this happen a lot?" Steve asks.

"Most nights," Loki replies. Towards the end of his time in Stark Tower, it was getting better – a few times a week, maybe, but not more than that. But since he left, every time he's fallen asleep, he's woken to memories he wishes he didn't have to see.

Almost wishes.

Because as hard as it is to see what he's done, something that's become so much worse since he realized it was all real, he would choose this over his former ignorance any day. These were his memories, and he wants to know what they were. He deserves to know his own life story.

Steve doesn't seem to know what to say, so after a pause, he just says, "I'm sorry."

Loki just shrugs, a silent what can you do? of sorts.

"Do you need anything?" Steve asks. "Anything I can do for you?"

Loki shakes his head. "Not unless you have all of my memories stored in a bottle," he says wryly.

Steve cocks his head to the side, looking at him curiously. "Would you want that?"

Loki furrows his brows. "Could you do it?"

"Probably not," Steve says, "but if we could – SHIELD, our allies, whoever – would you want that?"

Loki lets out a long breath while he thinks about that. "I would," he says. "I should know what I've done. And I will continue to find out, piece by piece, night by night, presumably until I've seen it all. If I could do that all at once; if I could have it all laid out in front of me, so that every night is not a new horror and I don't have to connect these pieces of my past myself..." It would be awful, he's sure, but he would do it. The more he thinks of it, the more sure he becomes. He would do it in a heartbeat.

Steve's silent for a few moments.

It's suspicious.

Loki narrows his eyes suspiciously. "What are you thinking?"

"I..." Steve sighs and shakes his head. "I don't know if this would work, but... You don't remember Dr. Banner." It's a question of sorts, but he seems reasonably sure of the answer.

"I can't say I do," Loki says. A doctor. That's interesting. Where did this doctor come into it?

"He's a scientist," Steve says. "He helped SHIELD track down the Tesseract. I don't know if this would work – I don't even know if SHIELD would let us try – but if he agrees, would you want him to try to get you your memories back?"

Loki's eyes go wide. "Yes," he says immediately. "Yes. I do not care how unlikely it is that it would work. If there is a chance he could do this, then yes."

"Alright," Steve says. "I'll talk to Fury in the morning; see what he thinks. If he's on board, I'll talk to Banner. We'll see if we can figure this out."

Loki can't help but smile. This whole nightmare could be over with. He can't take back what he's done, but if he can see what it was, that will be enough for him. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet," Steve says. "I don't know if this is going to work. I don't know if we'll even get to try."

"But you're willing to try," Loki says. "You're willing to help me find the truth that everybody else has tried to hide from me. So thank you."

Steve gives him a small, tired smile in return. "Of course."