Still Holding On

Chapter 53

The only reason Tony agrees to take a shower is because Pepper threatens to dump a water bottle on him in bed fully clothed if he doesn't. Why she's so insistent he take a shower when he literally took one the day before, he does not know, but he personally feels like not showering does not become a problem until it's been at least three days.

And that is exactly why he won't admit to Pepper that he does feel a little better after his shower. He will not admit that she was right. He has already lost too much in the last 24 hours. He will not lose his pride, too.

Pepper is still lying in bed when he comes out of the shower, her back propped up against the headboard with a pillow. He doesn't think all too much of it until he sees what's in her lap.

"You can't look at that," Tony says quickly.

Pepper cocks an eyebrow. "Not even the first page?"

"None of it," Tony says. He walks up and snatches it from her hands. "That's Loki's notebook. I promised him nobody would read it."

Pepper cocks her head to the side. "But he wrote it to you."

Tony blinks at that.

What?

"You really haven't looked at it?" she asks in disbelief. "Not even for a second?"

"No, I haven't," Tony says. "I told you, I promised him I wouldn't." He's lied about too much already. He doesn't want to add yet another lie to the list.

"Tony, it's addressed to you," she says. "He wanted you to read it — or, part of it. He says that's why you got him the notebook in the first place."

"What are you talking about?" Tony sits down on the edge of the bed and opens the notebook — breaking yet another promise to Loki, as if his lies haven't hurt him enough.

Sure enough, at the very top of the first page, in looping blue letters, it says, "Tony,"

His heart stops. Has Loki expected him to read it this whole time? Why wouldn't he say something? Why wouldn't he ask him to? Why did he ask him not to? None of this makes sense.

So he keeps reading.

I'm not as naïve as you may think I am, nor are you as subtle as you so obviously think yourself to be. I know that you want to hear about my dreams, and though I don't understand your fascination with the scenarios my mind conjures in my sleep, you've made no secret that this is why you've given me this notebook.

I suppose it doesn't make much sense to use this notebook knowing your plan, but it sounds rather therapeutic, so I thought perhaps we could reach a compromise. Anything I write in my blue pen, I do not mind if you read. Anything in my black pen, though, is something I would prefer to keep to myself. I have no way to stop you from reading it, nor do I have any way to know that you don't, but I trust you, and I trust that you'll listen. I know there are things you've not yet told me, things you've made a point to hide from me, but you've more than earned my trust, so I offer it to you regardless, and I hope that you repay me the same way.

I suppose that makes this notebook a way to speak to each other without speaking. I don't mind if you want to talk about anything I share with you here, whether it be aloud or in writing. A large part of my reason in writing is to reread this myself and relive the memories we make, but I would be amiss not to share that opportunity with you as well.

Loki :)

Tony smiles to himself, but there's a hint of sadness in it. Loki really trusted him. They'd only known each other a matter of weeks by the time Loki got this notebook, and he already had so much trust in him. And now that's gone.