Secret Son / Bang Chan

Part 6

I had been observing them and how they interact all afternoon. It had been in the back of my mind for a while but I noticed that Grey scrunches his nose the same way that Chan does, their dimples are both on display when they smile, and it only took a few short hours for Grey to start mimicking Chan's speech patterns.

Eventually we ended the day at a little diner just a few blocks away from campus after dropping off the assortment of goodies Chan had won for Grey at various carnival games with the only exception being a giant stuffed wolf that was bigger than the toddler who was holding it. Grey had already formed a strong attachment to the toy, claiming it was his favorite because "Channie-Hyung" had won it for him. 

The three of us (and the stuffed wolf) piled only a booth nestled into the corner of the diner. Grey had been talking Chan's ear off all day about different things: cartoons, dinosaurs, cars, random questions. You name it, Grey probably had brought it up. It was nice seeing how comfortable Grey was with Chan already but at the same time worry was eating away at my mind. What if Chan decides he doesn't want to be in Grey's life after all? What if Grey hates me for keeping him from his father? 

"Momma you don't look pretty." Grey remarked out of nowhere, gaining my attention. I hadn't realized that I was scowling, Grey hates it when I scowl because to him it means I'm upset and he doesn't like it when I'm upset. I tried brush off the nasty thoughts that plagued my mind and just enjoy being with my son.
"I'm sorry bubba."  I rubbed his cheek gently and he smiled at me.

"Grey, you shouldn't say things like that to your mom. It's not very nice." Chan chided. The little boy looked at him with wide eyes before turning back to me, his bottom lip quivering like he was going to cry.
"Sorry momma, I wasn't nice." His voice was shaking and I immediately felt bad. 
"It's okay baby," I smiled at him, "let's look at the menu okay?"

We spent a few minutes looking at the menu and then the waitress came around to get our order. 
"Good afternoon," she greeted with a smile, "wow your parents got you a  really cool wolf kiddo? Does it have a name?" 

Grey smiled from ear to ear as the waitress talked to him about his new favorite toy.
"Not yet! I think I should call him wolfie!" 
Grey looked to Chan for approval of the toy's new name and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a twinge of jealously. Of course it was unreasonable for me to feel like that, considering this day was meant for Chan and Grey to bond. 

Chan was shocked that Grey was looking to him for approval on the name and gave a quick apologetic look to me.
"Um yeah I think Wolfie is very fitting for a...wolf..."  Chan nodded seriously and gave Grey a smile. The waitress smiled before turning to.

"Dad's in agreement. What does mom think?"

I didn't even try to correct her as I was too busy looking at Grey, who was just talking to Chan about 'Wolfie'. He doesn't even seem fazed by the waitress assuming Chan is his father (she's correct of course but still). 
"I think Wolfie is a very good name." 

The rest of dinner went really well. Chan didn't say anything about the waitresses assumptions but I could tell he was overjoyed. He was grinning from ear to ear the rest of the night and he was practically radiating happiness. Grey was absolutely spent from all the excitement, napping in Chan's arms as he escorted us back to my car. Together we managed to get Grey in his car seat without waking him.

"I had a wonderful time today." Chan spoke softly, words almost getting lost in the quiet of the night.
"Me too, it was nice getting out of the house."

"Can we do something next weekend?"

"I'll have to check with my schedule but we may be able to. I'll call you and work out the details."

Chan hesitates for a moment, the same smile he's had all night playing across his lips once more. 
"The waitress called me his dad."

"She saw a little boy with a man and a woman who look similar in age. It was the most logical conclusion to make I guess."
Chan peered into the car window at the little boy fast asleep in his car seat, "I liked it."

I was tucking Grey (whom I believed was asleep) into bed when we arrived home when his eyes opened a little bit and he grabbed my hand as I went to leave the room.

"I had fun today momma." Grey smiled sleepily. I smiled back at him and ran a hand through his messy brown, curly, hair.
"I'm glad you did baby."

"I like Channie-hyung, he's nice."

"I'm sure Chan feels the same way about you sweetie."

Grey was silent for a moment before he spoke once more.
"Momma, if daddy never comes to see me can I choose a new daddy?" 

The lump in my throat grew and my blood suddenly felt very heavy in my veins, "what do you mean bubba?" 

"I want a daddy like Channie-hyung. He buys me sweets, and toys, and carries me, and is super strong, and super nice. He's like Superman! And I want a daddy like Superman!" 

I chose not to tell him that Felix does all these things for him too or that someone else did at one point in time...

"Do you think Channie-hyung would want to be my daddy?"
I felt like I could cry. Here Grey was wanting nothing more than for Chan to be his dad, not knowing that's exactly who he is. And there was no one to blame for that but myself. 

"I don't know honey, maybe you can make friends with him and he'll tell you that one day? You can't ask him about it though, he's very shy about it okay?"

Grey seemed satisfied with my answer and pulled 'Wolfie' closer and settled into his pillow, going back to sleep.

I went into my room and immediately broke down sobbing, not able to shake the feeling that I was a horrible mother. Grey missed what he never had more than I thought and it was completely my fault.