So this is love? ~ Elmax

Hi

~ Max POV ~

~ trigger warning self harm ~

When I woke up, the boy were still asleep. It was really early in the morning. It wasn't even light out yet. My head was pounding, because all of the crying I had been doing and all the emotions I'd been feeling. I sneak out of bed to not wake up the boys. I walk over to the house phone and stare at it. Did they call already? Did I miss it? Do I even have service here? All these questions circle around in my head as I began to pace back and forth next to the phone.

This really was my fault. All of it was my fault. Billy and now my mom. I just stood there when Billy got murdered by that monster and some part of me was even revealed. Because a part of me, didn't even know if he was worth saving. But ever since that day I felt guilty. Guilty about thinking that and for not doing anything. I fell into a depression. Ever since the day that Billy died, my step dad left us, which was- honestly better. He was a abuser. Just like Billy, but worse. So I felt kind of relieved when he was gone. My mom, she fell into this dark spiral and tried to drink the pain away. That's where her drinking problem started. She worked two jobs, which was hard for her, but sometimes she couldn't even get out of bed, because of her hangovers. She would, finish her shift and when she got home, the first things she'd do it grab a bottle and poor herself a drink. Well- More than one. She'd always say that I could do more around the house, get a job, be better at school, be prettier, wear girlier clothes- stuff like that. I was never good enough. And I know I never will be. My depression got worse and worse as time went on. Billy died, my mom got a drinking problem, El left. Nothing seemed to work out anymore. I didn't leave my bed for weeks as I just skipped school. I used to pray that something bad would happen to Billy when he was still alive, but since he died- I've been praying something bad would happen to me. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. I felt like I was the curse around everyone. My mom insisted that I should see a counselor at school, since school wasn't going well.  I started seeing a counselor and take antidepressants and painkillers. They didn't really help all that much. Instead of pain, sadness and guilty- I just felt numb. The number of times I have thought about doing something to myself out of anger or guilt is way too high. But I didn't. Not on purpose at least. I didn't do anything, since I knew I had a mom to take care of, but that didn't mean I didn't hurt myself. I skateboard a lot and I fall sometimes. Not on purpose, but I didn't mind the pain. I was even slightly relieved when I saw blood gushing out a fresh knee wound. Then the pain I felt inside was being overpowered by the pain I felt on the outside. Just for a moment though. It didn't ever last long. But those moments, began to be my happy once.

But when I had the chance to go to El, everything changed. I wanted to be better. I wanted to look good for her. I wanted to care for myself to impress her. I wanted her. And when I got her, she began to be my happiness. She always was. The moments I was with her, I forgot every bad thing and feeling in the world. I just felt those butterflies in my stomach when I looked at her. That doesn't mean I was suddenly cured from my depression. El helped me through it, but it was temporary, because I know I needed to go back eventually. Remember when I attacked Angela? That girl who hurt El? I didn't hesitate for a second. No one was going to hurt El. I threw myself at her and slammed a skate on her nose. I didn't know what was to come, but I also didn't really care. I didn't mind if someone would have fought me back for it, right there and then.  I wasn't scared of pain, I wasn't scared of death. I was only scared for the safety of El. And to protect El, I had to stay alive. And that became, my motivation. To stay alive. For El. And ofcourse, when It turned out she loved me back, She became my whole world. But I had to admit, that when those guys attacked us, when El got her powers back, I wasn't scared for my safety. I was scared they would hurt El. I felt the air leave my lungs when that guys squeezed my throat shut. I thought that that would be it. I didn't mind the pain. I thought I deserved it. But I knew, if I didn't do something, they would go after El next. Luckily everything turned out good in the end. El got her powers back and we both made it out alive. I remember staring in the mirror when I took a shower after that night. Looking at my bruised neck and feeling- like I deserved that.