MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE, GRACIE ABRAMS

020. difficult

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Everything sucks. Was a thought that bounced around Gracie's head perpetually these days. It was almost funny how she was so happy performing and doing shows with Olivia, but she was simultaneously so miserable. She'd undergone more highs and lows in one day than she had in her whole life. She missed her, and the pain was fucking unbearable. But no matter how hard she cried in her bunk late at night on the bus or how she tossed and turned at night replaying everything she'd said, or the tears she'd shed in the bathroom stalls between breaks, she would make sure no one could see her cry. She didn't know half the people she was surrounded by on a day to day basis, she wasn't about to let her guard down ever. It was twice as hard to stand on a stage in front of a crowd screaming her name, saying how much they love her, when she went to bed every night telling herself how shitty she was. Even her friends had begun to agree with that sentiment.

After the breakup, her friends had come to her, asking her what happened. She told them, expecting hugs and sympathy and ice cream. But she received a completely different reaction than she'd planned for. They seemed to be upset with her, criticizing her for the way she treated her ex. She stood there dumbfounded as to how they could possibly be angry at her for a fucking emotional response that was totally reasonable. Sure, she'd said some things that were messed up, but she couldn't possibly be the one to blame. But they seemed to think so, and it was even shittier since they were all supposedly friends with her ex. Soon after, her friends had begun to distance themselves slightly, a little offput by what they'd heard about Gracie. At first she was outraged, thinking she was practically an angel, given the situation. But over time she realized how badly she'd really fucked up. If anything her ex was the one who was the angel. She'd only tried to reason with her, to make sense of Gracie's hysteria, and she shut her out. She replayed her own words in her mind over and over and over again, hearing the harsh words echo in her head. She wished she could go to her and just say she was sorry. She would do anything to gain her forgiveness. Because just living, knowing that she was hated by the girl she loved was torture.

The only thing she could do to keep her emotions at bay was to write them all down. She'd written more songs the past two months then she had in a while. Half of them were nonsensical songs about her self-pitying tendencies that embarrassed her too much to think about. The other half actually had something to them. They were all written about her, about how it also still hurt so much, about how much she missed her. She'd always turned to writing to express herself, but she needed it now more than ever. Because all of the sleepless nights she'd spent reliving her bad decisions and wishing she could just wake up a different person. In those moments, she wrote her most vulnerable songs. In her dreams she'd imagine that she was back at home, in bed with her, and she could feel those familiar arms wrap around her. It reminded of her of how it was when they started, when they were fresh, and new, and happy. Before Gracie had gone and trampled it all.

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Gracie was sitting at the piano working on a song when she heard the clack of heels coming up behind her. She lifted her fingers from the keys and turned around to face the sound. It was Olivia. Suddenly she'd felt a deep ache in her stomach. She felt bad for the way she'd acted around her. Olivia had been so kind and considerate of her, constantly trying to invite and include her in anything and everything. But she was so caught up in her own emotions that she didn't give her the time of day. She felt awful for it, this was Olivia's very first tour and she'd so graciously invited her to be apart of it and now she couldn't even bother to spend time with her.